u/6466y_70m

When I was 13, I had a crush on my best friend. We were pretty close, and it was the kind of crush where I genuinely yearned for her to love me back. It was a tad bit intense.

Fast-forward to now, four years later, and I haven't had a crush on anyone since. There have been three different experiences where I got super close to a girl and became confused about whether what I was feeling was romantic attraction or emotional attachment. It turned out to be platonic each time.

It bothers me because whenever I watch rom-coms, I get this urge to be in a relationship, but I haven't developed any genuine romantic feelings for anyone in four years.

Am i demiromantic?

I need all the help I could get. Weird way to start, I guess. I don't seem to understand myself or what I want.

Alright, I should get to the point.

When I was 13, I had a crush on this girl who lived across from my house. You know, that feeling where you desperately want this person to want you back. That kind of shit.

Then, when I turned 15 or 16, I started getting attracted to almost every girl I encountered. It was more like romantic daydreaming, imagining myself being with them, but it was never as intense as having an actual crush. I never pursued anyone.

I'm 17 now. I met a girl, something happened between us that I can't really share, and I started having panic attacks. We became extremely close, and eventually I started feeling attracted to her. But when I actually thought about it, it felt more like I wanted her to prioritize me rather than me genuinely having a crush on her. Weird. I don't even understand myself.

Then there was this girl I talked to for two days, and she proposed to me. I took two days to think about it, but even then, I couldn't see her romantically. I thought that maybe if I got into a relationship with her, I might eventually develop feelings for her, so I decided to give her a chance.

While I was in the relationship, I had several panic attacks, both directly and indirectly related to her. I had around five or six in one month. When I told her about this, she wasn't even concerned.

Slowly, I realized that she seemed to have some kind of attraction towards me, but I didn't feel like she had genuine romantic feelings for me. Nobody can develop romantic feelings in just two days. At least, I can't.

Now, zoom in to the day I had my worst panic attack.

I felt like we weren't getting any closer emotionally, so I tried telling her something extremely personal. Big mistake.

Her reaction shattered me. It was so vague and blunt, with not an ounce of care in it. That panic attack was so severe that I genuinely thought I was going to die.

My friends convinced me to break up with her, so I wrote her a paragraph explaining what was happening and how she was somewhat connected to it. Her response was basically, "You're pranking me, right?"

I was extremely unstable at the time and eventually had to go to therapy. She told me, "Take me with you."

Later, she asked me to take a break because she couldn't bring herself to break up with me. I told her that I would get hurt, and she said, "I'll get more hurt."

Eventually, it ended.

She called me selfish, and honestly, I can understand why she felt that way. This is my version of what happened. I can't say that this is exactly what happened because this is based on what I remember, along with my own biases and perspective.

We broke up.

There was this friend who helped me through the breakup. We became extremely close, and eventually I developed an attraction towards her. It felt like the same kind of attraction I had felt towards the girl from earlier.

And now I don't know what to do.

I don't know if I genuinely like her romantically, or if I'm just emotionally attached to her because she was there for me when I was at one of my lowest points.

I don't know if I should pursue these feelings or just let them die.

I genuinely don't understand myself, and I want to figure out what I'm actually feeling before I make another mistake.

TL;DR: I'm 17M and I've always struggled to tell the difference between romantic attraction and emotional attachment. After a few confusing experiences, including getting into a relationship with someone despite not initially having romantic feelings for her, I eventually developed the same kind of attraction towards a close female friend who supported me through the breakup. Now I can't tell if I genuinely like her romantically or if I'm just emotionally attached to her because she was there for me when I needed someone. I don't know whether I should pursue these feelings or let them go.