u/6UL7

So context. I am 20F and I got hit by a car in late 2019. Since then I have been diagnosed with a neurocognitive disorder and I really struggle with learning new things and staying focused. Some days it honestly feels like a mix of adhd and dementia.

The accident was not my fault, so I received a large insurance payout that was meant to help set up my future, like a house deposit and some stability. But not long after getting the money, my depression got really bad. I reached a point where I did not see a future for myself anymore.

Before I planned to end things, I just wanted to feel something, anything. So I spent the money. Around 300k. Some of it on myself, some on my family, some on people who needed help. At the time it felt like the only way to make anything matter.

My family eventually realised what was happening and since then things have been really bad. For the past 2 years I have been told almost every day that I am lazy, that I ruined my life and that I will never become who I wanted to be. It feels like I am constantly being reminded of my worst mistake.

Last night really pushed me.

I picked up my partner, 19M, from the bus stop so he could come over and talk about his car. I bought it for him during that time when I was spending the money. It was recently in a crash and my mum had taken it to a specialist to figure out if it is worth fixing or scrapping. I told him over text beforehand that my mum wanted to talk to him about it.

When I picked him up he was drunk and high and being really touchy. I reminded him about my mum wanting to talk and he completely lost it. He said he did not care about the car because it is basically mine anyway and then brought up how I wasted all my money on nothing and strangers.

He got out of the car and stormed off, dropping some of his stuff. I picked it up and brought it inside. He walked straight past my parents without saying anything and went to my room and fell asleep.

I was just left there with this heavy feeling in my chest, like everything people say about me is true. Like I really did ruin everything.

This morning before I dropped him to work at 4:30am he kept trying to be touchy with me. I felt numb and frozen. When I did not respond he got annoyed and now he has been ignoring me all day.

I feel like everyone close to me has given up on me. I gave up on myself a long time ago and now I am just dragging myself through every day. I keep telling myself I am a terrible person and that no one will ever be proud of me just for being me.

I do not really know why I am posting this. I just needed to get it out somewhere.

Edit: I just wanna make it clear that I look after myself, my parents only support me by providing me a room in their house, I pay for my own car ect. I only really talked about my accident and money spent because it connected to what happened with my mans car and my bad depression at the moment which was kinda the point of the vent. I’m not comfortable with sharing more information about it as it’s quite a traumatic part of my life.

My parents DO NOT think my Neurocognitive Disorder affects me and DO NOT believe in mental health issues, they make me feel horrible about myself even if they know I’m suicidal, they genuinely just don’t care about how I feel.

I am trying to be more independent and searching desperately for a full time job so I can move out home, it’s also very difficult for me because I live in Sydney it’s very expensive. I just need to be in a comfortable environment and around positive people to help me get through everything but I’m not so it’s hard!!!