u/90bklynds08

hii i’m 18f and today was my first day intentionally trying to recover my period.

a little about me: i started struggling with bulimia march 2025 and binging. i gained and was my heaviest weight last summer. i started running in november and since january have been running 30 mile weeks while tracking every food entering my body and also still b/p multiple times a week.

i did lose weight slowly, 25 pounds in around 9 months, just the kicker is im not underweight. in fact my bmi is like 24.1 which is on the higher end of normal weight. i was overweight and now im not and i feel much more confident but still wanna lose more.

obviously i’m here because i haven’t had my period since january so about 6 months. i’m just so scared that ill look like i did again last summer when i was so unhappy in my appearance and had a lot of extra weight.

what is kickstarting this recovery process is that im going on vacation for 8 days and will not be able to run nor track calories. i’m taking this time to try and start recovery. i know to eat more healthy fats and have done extensive research but it scares me that i have to gain weight especially because im not underweight and am in fact closer to overweight.

when i get back from my trip i plan on running 30-35 mile weeks again because its my passion but still not track calories or engage in bulimia behaviors.

any tips or advice is needed i feel so lost and guilty and terrified to gain weight and look how i used to again because im so much more confident now.

sorry for the long post

from april to may i went a month purge free then i moved back home from college and haven’t gone more than 5 days clean since. the past 6 days ive purged 1-3x per day and haven’t had this long of a streak for a few months. everyday i wake up planning to stop the cycle then i get home from work, binge, purge, then do it again later that night. it’s like i go on autopilot. i know once i go like one day purge free ill have an easier time staying clean but that first day seems impossible to reach. help!!!

long story short i was clean a month from april to may but relapsed after i moved home and have been stuck in the b/p cycle ever since. for me, the first few days/week are SO hard because it seems only negative and practically impossible to build up a clean streak. please can you guys drop ways to get through the initial phase of being clean? once i get like a week or two over with i feel better about myself but just starting is so hard for me.

just realized lately that while i have always had issues with body image, my bulimia started right i had a huge falling out with my high school friend group. it’s kinda making me wonder if i started to cope with losing them even though i was the one who decided to step away.

do we think b/p 3x a day on top of my normal calories for 4 days made me gain significant weight? i weigh less than i did 4 days ago but that would be due to dehydration/depletion. i’m rlly worried that my relapse made me gain weight. for reference i worked out/ran 3/4 days i relapsed. idk im spiraling. each b/p was short and efficient i think but who knows

i posted a little over 2 weeks ago when i was nearly a month clean and was SO excited. i had even lost weight due to my high activity but felt good eating higher calories so i wouldnt b/p.

then i moved home from school and while i am still just as active with my workouts, i do not get as many steps so i tried to decrease my calories. this caused me to spiral and over the past 18 days ive been home, i b/p 9 of them.

my weight maintained i think which is good thank god but i feel hopeless. yesterday i even left a mdw party to purge the food i ate. i’m so ashamed.

anyways, today is day 1 of trying to get back to my month clean and then some. i’ve increased my calories back to where they were when i felt secure in not b/p and hopefully i won’t gain weight eating there but atp i just need to be me again.

sorry for the rant but i feel like every time it gets good i go and ruin it for myself. this disorder is so all-consuming it’s insane. the thoughts are so loud.

okay so this is extremely dramatic but tonight i rewatched the movie: soul.

long story short i cried through the whole end and it made me rethink everything and everything ive been doing the past year.

since last march ive been stuck in the viscous b/p cycle and a secret bulimic given that no one in my life knows i’ve been sick. the movie made me realize how much we truly take for granted. some people are lucky enough to just be alive, let alone have functioning human bodies. i happen to have a good life and a body that hasn’t failed me. and i spend my time binging and purging and making myself miserable.

life is truly so short and i started thinking if i died today would i have been happy with the way i lived my one life. i’m only 18. i have literally everything ahead of me but im hurting my body, my brain, and my quality of life for some stupid disease.

now obviously this is just a mindset change and might fail again and again at recovery but i’m willing to keep trying. i feel so selfish using the one life i get wasting away and isolating myself when some people would kill to have a life and functioning body like mine.

anyways, just some perspective and food for thought. now im just really sad this is my reality and i really want to break out of this cycle that’s been holding me bad for just over a year.

okay so i b/p twice yesterday after a month clean. i understand why i did it. i ate too much too fast in the morning and felt full so when i wanted to eat again i wasn’t hungry but i ate anyways and then felt guilty. i also just moved home from college and i was very deep into my ed all last summer when i was home so its bringing back a lot of memories.

but what i will say is im seeing the good in my relapse. what i mean by this is that i physically feel awful and forgot how bad purging made me feel. im taking this mini relapse as a confirmation i do not want to fall back into old habits. it doesnt have the same reward it used to have after being clean so long.

so yeah im trying not to beat myself up about it because even though im not happy it happened, im grateful it did. i’m grateful cuz i know now that recovery is possible and that i want it even more than my disorder at this point. sorry for rambling just wanted to get that off my chest.

hello everyone i just wanted to come on here and share that im officially 21 days b/p free!! this disorder has taken over my life for the past year and i started recovery so many times but always ended up failing. i think i reached my breaking point where i knew if i didnt stop, i would die. my bowels became extremely loose and i felt like shit all the time and i was spending time b/p when i needed to train (athlete) or study (student). i started tracking my calories to a higher number which got rid of the scarcity mindset i had around food. i haven’t had access to a scale but it doesn’t seem i’ve gained any weight so far. i don’t even really think about relapsing since ive made it this far and every day clean is just another reason to keep going. my life is great now and i am able to be so much more present with everything. if you needed a sign to recover or pursue recovery let this be it!! its hard especially since im doing it alone and no one in my personal life knows i even had an ed but we can do hard things. i’m here if anyone needs to talk.