u/90bklynds08

okay so this is extremely dramatic but tonight i rewatched the movie: soul.

long story short i cried through the whole end and it made me rethink everything and everything ive been doing the past year.

since last march ive been stuck in the viscous b/p cycle and a secret bulimic given that no one in my life knows i’ve been sick. the movie made me realize how much we truly take for granted. some people are lucky enough to just be alive, let alone have functioning human bodies. i happen to have a good life and a body that hasn’t failed me. and i spend my time binging and purging and making myself miserable.

life is truly so short and i started thinking if i died today would i have been happy with the way i lived my one life. i’m only 18. i have literally everything ahead of me but im hurting my body, my brain, and my quality of life for some stupid disease.

now obviously this is just a mindset change and might fail again and again at recovery but i’m willing to keep trying. i feel so selfish using the one life i get wasting away and isolating myself when some people would kill to have a life and functioning body like mine.

anyways, just some perspective and food for thought. now im just really sad this is my reality and i really want to break out of this cycle that’s been holding me bad for just over a year.

okay so i b/p twice yesterday after a month clean. i understand why i did it. i ate too much too fast in the morning and felt full so when i wanted to eat again i wasn’t hungry but i ate anyways and then felt guilty. i also just moved home from college and i was very deep into my ed all last summer when i was home so its bringing back a lot of memories.

but what i will say is im seeing the good in my relapse. what i mean by this is that i physically feel awful and forgot how bad purging made me feel. im taking this mini relapse as a confirmation i do not want to fall back into old habits. it doesnt have the same reward it used to have after being clean so long.

so yeah im trying not to beat myself up about it because even though im not happy it happened, im grateful it did. i’m grateful cuz i know now that recovery is possible and that i want it even more than my disorder at this point. sorry for rambling just wanted to get that off my chest.

hello everyone i just wanted to come on here and share that im officially 21 days b/p free!! this disorder has taken over my life for the past year and i started recovery so many times but always ended up failing. i think i reached my breaking point where i knew if i didnt stop, i would die. my bowels became extremely loose and i felt like shit all the time and i was spending time b/p when i needed to train (athlete) or study (student). i started tracking my calories to a higher number which got rid of the scarcity mindset i had around food. i haven’t had access to a scale but it doesn’t seem i’ve gained any weight so far. i don’t even really think about relapsing since ive made it this far and every day clean is just another reason to keep going. my life is great now and i am able to be so much more present with everything. if you needed a sign to recover or pursue recovery let this be it!! its hard especially since im doing it alone and no one in my personal life knows i even had an ed but we can do hard things. i’m here if anyone needs to talk.