u/AMQ-139

I stress a lot about how I am not able to live as full a life as I would like due to this condition. I can't really have a proper diet and it stresses me out. I try my best not to blame myself. I can't pursue all the hobbies I would like and it bothers me. I don't really choose what my brain is interested in and I am sort of at the mercy of my hyper fixations. I stress a lot about what things I miss out on learning and doing.

I don't think a lot of these things can really be changed. I want to learn how to accept and appreciate the joy I can have while still being very limited in my functions.

I just can't win or find a system that leaves me content, I always feel trapped. If I have a schedule I get more done usually but I feel so constrained and upset. I usually just become depressed feeling the obligations of my tasks. Things feel robotic and demanding. If I have no schedule I feel more free and relaxed but I get a lot less done which leaves me stressed. And it's not just important life stuff that doesn't get done, it's fun things and hobbies too. Curse this brain.

I was doing pretty decent and hadn't been here for about a month and a half until the past few days. Using it just feeds the depression too. I get a bit of relief from seeing people in similar circumstances to me. Being trans is just so fucking lonely and it's so hard to find relief from it anywhere. And a lot of times it has the opposite effect. I see people fighting each other here, being in despair and it just makes things worse. Nowhere is safe. All I have ever wanted is just one close person. But finding that these days is pretty hard even for cis people.

My copes aren't working and I'm tired. fmstl