u/AMStoUS

My boys are 3. They're good eaters aka love to eat but they're getting pickier. I tried to introduce them to quite a few foods before age 2 but there were limits on what I could do, because twin A has a very strong gag reflex and has never really liked certain textures (he'll eat crunchy things, but soup or pasta sauce has to be smooth.. to give an example). I work fulltime and can't eat at the same time as them unless it's the weekend. Not ideal, but not something I can change right now. They have a rotation of things they eat reliably but anything outside of that is 'yucky' or 'scary'. Whole vegetables in any form, unless it's cucumber? Forget it. Regular rice without cheese? Forget it. They'll eat whole grain bread and pasta and waffles all day long. Same with fruit and cheese and yoghurt. Nut butters and hummus too. Sometimes hash browns. I hide vegetables in sugar free or low sugar baked goods and sauces. I try to eat new foods next to them (which they have no interest in trying). I try to be neutral, describe it, not push it. On the weekends we sometimes 'cook'. It doesn't seem to make a difference. Now they've started influencing each other: even in the rare event one of them wants to try something new, if the other one doesn't like it, it's suddenly poison. I feel like I'm failing at this but also they're 3 so maybe this is all very normal? What are your tactics for introducing new foods, especially to those who have twins or kids close in age?

My boys are 3. They're good eaters aka love to eat but they're getting pickier. I tried to introduce them to quite a few foods before age 2 but there were limits on what I could do, because twin A has a very strong gag reflex and has never really liked certain textures (he'll eat crunchy things, but soup or pasta sauce has to be smooth.. to give an example). I work fulltime and can't eat at the same time as them unless it's the weekend. Not ideal, but not something I can change right now. They have a rotation of things they eat reliably but anything outside of that is 'yucky' or 'scary'. Whole vegetables in any form, unless it's cucumber? Forget it. Regular rice without cheese? Forget it. They'll eat whole grain bread and pasta and waffles all day long. Same with fruit and cheese and yoghurt. Nut butters and hummus too. Sometimes hash browns. I hide vegetables in sugar free or low sugar baked goods and sauces. I try to eat new foods next to them (which they have no interest in trying). I try to be neutral, describe it, not push it. On the weekends we sometimes 'cook'. It doesn't seem to make a difference. Now they've started influencing each other: even in the rare event one of them wants to try something new, if the other one doesn't like it, it's suddenly poison. I feel like I'm failing at this but also they're 3 so maybe this is all very normal? What are your tactics for introducing new foods to twins?

I'm having a really hard time with my 3 year old boys. I'm very encouraging and loving but also a firm believer in boundaries. Especially at bedtime (when I'm at the end of my day of working and parenting and frankly exhausted) I really crash out. We have a pretty good routine going but my twins are really pushing me in a totally developmentally normal way for one more of many things, including potty. We were able to reduce potty visits before bed from 7 or 8 (sigh) to max 3. Consolidating the bedtime also helps and getting out of the room more quickly. But when they are overtired the demands ramp up and if I try to draw a boundary they get so upset, completely beside themselves, screaming in a way that makes my head hurt. I always feel awful after trying to hold the line, sometimes I lose my patience a bit and raise my voice to be heard over the screaming. Ultimately I give in but make it known to them that this is not fun social time, it's just potty and bed. Afterwards they don't want a cuddle, I can tell they are upset with me, and they'll keep asking for their other parent (who is rarely around for bedtime due to work).

I've tried things like breathing deeply before going in the room, keeping my voice even, and calmly restating that after 3+ potties now it's really time for bed, but when one of them seems to be listening and then starts ripping their sleep sack off again sometimes I feel so desparate and outnumbered I let my frustration show. I do always apologize when I'm short with them in these moments.

During the day it tends to go better, but I already have guilt from PPD-filled first months of life and the fact that I work fulltime so every time I parent them the way I believe is right and they give me the cold shoulder I get so anxious.

How do you hold the line without feeling like you're losing the connection to your toddler? And how do you deal with bedtime frustration in a way that doesn't make them feel like they're bad or wrong (they're only toddlers, after all)?

I'm seeing so many anxiety-riddled posts on this wonderful sub. Will putting my baby down in a safe spot for a few minutes cause her to feel abandoned? Will sleeping in a crib break my child? Will daycare ruin my carefully built attachment?

I wanted to offer some perspective, from someone who was set on attachment-style parenting before getting pregnant. I had the baby wearing sling ready to go and a friend who is a babywearing coach helping me practice. I was going to get one of those cots that connects to the side of my bed so my baby could be there with me through the night and during naps. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed. I was excited for contact naps and nursing to sleep. I had it all planned out. This was all, of course, contingent on the fact that I would have one (1!) baby. Which was my wish, and my dream, and I hadn't considered what might happen. What happened was: twins.

I got pregnant with twins and had a really hard pregnancy. The kind of nausea that requires IV fluids, pelvic floor instability that makes walking a near impossiblity due to pain. Gone were my ideas about taking brisk walks with a decaf latte, nesting, and glowing from the inside out. I ended up with severe pregnancy anxiety, also because I was constantly terrified to be losing one of my babies (sounds intense, but sadly this happens..) , but I carried my twins to term (still proud of that!) and had to deliver via cesarean (also not my first choice). It was a traumatic birth with a lot of blood loss. I was lucky to survive, honestly. I held one of my son for a minute before he had to go to NICU and before the doctors had to start saving my life. I didn't see that son again for 2,5 days while he was in the NICU, because I was too ill to get out of the bed. My other son was with me, and I was nursing and taking care of him with my partner the best I could. My partner also was in the NICU a lot, so splitting time.

After 5 days we came home. I was breastfeeding and pumping, but due to the blood loss there was not enough milk being produced. We had to combo feed. Found a great brand without filler ingredients, babies are doing good on it and growing very well. Great. But I was not sleeping, because I was still dead-set on pumping every 2-3 hours and with twins, there's always a baby that needs something. By the time you're finished feeding one, there's another. Contact naps were almost impossible. My incision wasn't healing well so baby wearing.. forget it. I started to slide into PPD. I would be up constantly, feeling like a horrible mother, not being able to parent in the way I had envisioned. I hadn't seen my one son for 2.5 days after birth! I wasn't contact napping! I was in so much pain they were mostly sleeping in their Twin Z-pillow or their little cribs! Everything was wrong!

Then I developed mastitis at 5 weeks in, and had to wean off breastfeeding. Again, I felt horrible. Even with my one breast swollen and sore I begged the lactation consultant to let me continue, but she said it wasn't wise. I could stop and start up again after I was healed but I couldn't really think that far ahead.

I live in the US and had to get back to work after 6 weeks after my mat leave ran out. I worked from home, and so did my spouse, and we had help from friends and then hired a wonderful nanny. At 3 months, I still wasn't sleeping and sad all the time. A twin mom I know with slightly older kids gently suggested trying a nap schedule. I balked. What do you mean, sleeping on a schedule? What about meeting my kids needs? Would this be considered sleep training? She explained that the babies would in fact be having their sleep needs met, and the structure meant that I could also be starting to meet my own needs and hopefully feel better and more stable down the line. I decided to give it a try. A miracle: My babies took to it right away. They napped, got their diaper changed, they ate, they played, they might get another diaper change, then they napped again. It was honestly amazing. And every night, they started sleeping another hour longer until they were doing 5-6 hour stretches. The predictability of the schedule sorted out their nighttime sleep. I slowly started sleeping again, and little by little I crawled out of what felt like a very deep hole. I started actually enjoying my babies. My life as a mom. And none of it involved babywearing or breastfeeding or concact napping. And that still makes me sad sometimes but it's OK, because today I have thriving 3 year olds who are still great sleepers with the help of some very gentle Ferber. They are active and curious, they love swim class and their preschool and digging in the yard, going to the beach, reading books at night. Most importantly: they are securely attached - they know who their safe people are, they always come to me for comfort, they love their hugs and their cuddles (and also increasingly sometimes their own space, which I respect!) and even if there is a sitter or a grandparent who is stepping in for a few hours, or I have to occasionally travel for work, they know I always come back. It might make them cranky but they can cope, and before they know it I/we are back and they are so happy.

I'm not here to judge anyone's anxieties or concerns, but just here to say: life happens. Just love your kid. Do the very best you can considering YOUR circumstances. If you can't break down all the furniture in your bedroom to make a floor bed, a crib is OK. If you need to create structure around sleep to save your own sanity and make sure your kid's sleeps too, that's OK. If you have a bad back and you can't baby wear, strollers are there for you. If you are unable to EBF or to BF at all, your baby will still know who their person is. There is so much pressure from so many angles. You're doing great.

My twins just turned 3 in March. They're still in cribs, and they still nap (one every time, the other one 3 out of 5 times) A friend in another state also has twins and her toddler bed transition has gone terribly - I think she underestimated it and thought it would be fine.. it was not. They're all over the house, she's at her wits end and I really feel for her. It's made me realize I need to be as prepared as I can. What we have done:

- anchored the furniture
- Started a routine with a bedtime/wake-up light, by now we're 6+ months in and they are very used to it
- fully potty trained, they sleep through the night and wake-up with a dry pullup

What scares me:
- Locking them in their room once they get out of the cribs is obviously not safe, but they can also now slide a chair to the front door and open all the locks.. yikes. Just thinking about it keeps me up at night.
- Figuring out pee breaks. They can sleep through without going to the bathroom, but once they are out of the cribs, I want to be able to give them a chance to pee. They hate the small potties and only want to pee on the real toilet, and I also don't trust them with potties in their dark bedroom. So what will stop them from roaming around the house? If they can climb out of a crib they could obviously easily scale a toddler gate.
- One bothering the other. Already they yell at each other sometimes when they want the other one to wake-up. There is white noise in there but of course once they are able to move around they could unplug it.

Aside from the good old 'this is going to be hell, no way around it', is there anyone with actionable advice, both the prep and the transition, that worked for them? I'm all about routine and structure, but really anything that didn't trap you in their bedroom for hours or made them run wild around the house at all hours is very welcome!