u/ANoniMissOne

Currently, I live with my boyfriend (now ex) and I am kind of trapped Doing so due to financial reasons. I’ve spent the last five years switching jobs at least three times in an effort to make enough money to afford my own place. It’s been a struggle with a lot of sacrifice, but I’m finally right on the cusp.

He has a long history of addict behavior, mostly surrounding alcohol, but also including cannabis and meth. The cannabis is not a problem, but it highlights his dependency because he cannot go a day without it.

He also has a history of gaslighting, lying, and hiding things and being extremely dishonest. I say gaslighting because he has looked me in the eyes and told me and promised me that he wasn’t doing the very thing he was actually doing it at the time.

There have been three major incidents of abuse on his end towards me where he almost got a restraining order. I didn’t because I didn’t wanna make him homeless and showed mercy.

The first incident was him leaving massive bruises on my arm and slamming me to the ground while he was drunk. He of course apologized profusely for it the next day and begged me not to get the restraining order because he’d be homeless. I didn’t get the restraining order, but I made ground rules and boundaries concerning his drinking which wear as follows;

• Do not hide alcohol from me or lie about it. If he plans to he needs to communicate.

• If you drink, you are to stay somewhere else

• He is not to drink at the apartment

That’s it. That’s all I asked.

He broke that agreement. Drank and came home. Screaming, slamming doors.

The second incident he had been drinking (he states it was one drink but still he’d been drinking) he ran over my leg with his van when at I was his van side door trying to tell him to stop screaming. He backed up, ran my leg over and left me. It should have gotten him arrested but LAPD never followed up about it. I never was able to find out why. But it was on file.

Again, begged me not to file a restraining order and honestly this time I should have but I couldn’t afford to hold down the apartment by myself yet. At the same time my service dog of 15 years died. It was the worst time of my life.
I needed to rely on him for help. I *hated* it.

Again, laid down that agreement and also included that he do therapy. He agreed and actually did the therapy. Helped some.
But he broke the agreement again because he went and hung out with a friend, drank, came home and began screaming at me. Police were called - he went and slept in his van and police filed a report.

Now, after a five-year plan of saving and freeing myself financially, I’m right on the cusp of being able to afford my own place. Back in January, he got drunk again, came home and screamed at me until 4:30 or five in the morning. Slammed into things stumbled and fell made messes. I had to call out of work the next day because I worked at 7:30. I sent a video of him screaming at me and slamming things around to my boss. Police showed up, including the chief of police, but stated that they couldn’t arrest him because he had assaulted me, but they saw his behavior. The two officers encouraged a restraining order once more and provided their badge numbers.

But I still wasn’t quite ready financially to leave. It really sucked and I’m really mad because I WAS so close financially. I didn’t put the restraining order on him this final time either.

Now, in the present, his birthday just passed on May 7. Since the January incident, he has been in therapy and doing group for alcoholism. He’s been doing better admittedly and went without an incident since January and has not drank in the apartment.

However, he admitted to me on May 8 that he had a drink on May 7 without consulting me and had hit it and initially lied when I asked him, and I knew he had because he had been acting like he acts when he drinks (which is why I asked if he had).

He broke the agreement for the third time because he did not consult me, he tried to hide it until I asked, and he came home after having drank. Granted, this time he didn’t yell at me or slam anything. He just went to bed, but the point stands.

He violated our agreement. Again.

Add to the fact, that when he told me on May 8, he also asked me if he could have a drink that day and I said “No”. This is his pattern. He drinks one day then he wants it the next and then the next, and then it leads to an abuse incident. He refuses to accept that he has a pattern of behavior. The fact that he asked me on May 8 if he could have a drink shows that he could’ve easily communicated on his birthday to keep the peace and stick to the agreement.

So, this time, I threatened the restraining order and kicked him out of the apartment for violating that agreement for the last time. Serendipitously my landlord came to me and told me that he has a unit open and if I get a roommate, I could afford it.

Obviously, I’m going for it. I’m moving out which is great. June 1st.

My ex is screaming about how it was his birthday and NONE of his friends think he should have had to ask me to have that drink.

I maintain that an agreement was in place due to the fact that he had several instances of alcoholic abuse towards me. Instances he CLAIMS to be “so sorry” and horrified for.

An agreement he willingly agreed to all three times. And an agreement he broke all three times. An agreement I generously made to keep him off the streets.

He also has a pattern of telling half truths to the people around him. He tried this with my best friend who tries to play mediator. She told him that it should be OK to have a drink on his birthday but that if he had made an agreement, he should stick to that. When we talked, he opted to omit the part where she said he should stick to his agreement and tried to paint it as though she had just said it was okay for him to drink (“Lauren agreed with me!”). When I told her she went “I did initially but also said if he made an agreement he should stick to that. Of course he didn’t include that part).

I know he’s not telling people around him the whole truth about how bad the abuse was on his end in his alcoholic rages that caused this agreement to come into play in the first place.

Now, he’s playing the victim card and is telling me I never see his perspective on it and that it was his birthday, and I should’ve just loosened up about it and not been so punitive. He’s also claiming it was just **one** drink, and that he had the drink earlier in the day before he came home (it had been hours he said) but given his history of excessive lying and hiding and stretching truths, there’s no way to believe that what he’s saying is true.

All I know is that when he was home at night I could definitely tell he’d been drinking so it was definitely not enough time between the drink and coming home. He argues that he didn’t abuse me and no harm came to me. And he should be able to have a drink when he wants one if he can demonstrate being responsible, particularly on his birthday. I said that by not honoring the agreement and trying to lie and hide it - he was not being responsible with it.

My boundary and agreement with him and him breaking it by not communicating until the next day, trying to initially lie and hide it, and then coming home is why I kicked him out. And I am holding my foot down.

I don’t feel that I need to flex on this or lend him understanding solely because it was his birthday. As my best friend has said - he easily could’ve asked me on his birthday and avoided all of this or had the drink and just stayed elsewhere. Either way it would’ve been easier for him than all of this that is now happening but he won’t admit that.

Opinions? I could really use them.

Thank you if you read all this…