u/AShotInTheDark89

You left because you're guilty and that'll catch up to you. I've gotta tell myself that for my own sanity. I've gotta believe in karma cause it's my only closure.

You admitted to your faults, you apologized and chose the faults over us, over me and some days I feel like even over yourself.

Missing you is relentless. I keep trying to distract myself. I saw a quote the other day about trying to rekindle joy, about finding happiness in interests and hobbies about trying to live but it all just feels like shades of grey and I felt understood. I felt like nothing, I felt that void, that I get to carry forever.(Why don't you?)

You left because you're guilty and that'll catch up to you. I've gotta tell myself that for my own sanity. I've gotta believe in karma cause it's my only closure.

You admitted to your faults, you apologized and chose the faults over us, over me and some days I feel like even over yourself.

Missing you is relentless. I keep trying to distract myself. I saw a quote the other day about trying to rekindle joy, about finding happiness in interests and hobbies about trying to live but it all just feels like shades of grey and I felt understood. I felt like nothing, I felt that void, that I get to carry forever.(Why don't you?)

Some thoughts that have been on repeat in my brain. Things I could say if that were possible.

I’m still here just trying to heal or life or whatever action seems appropriate but it's like I'm starting to sound like some pyscho ex that can't let go. I get frustrated, sad, angry, we said forever, we planned a life.

We're gone, time has moved on, but I can't. I get stuck in the trauma of the situations that unravelled and trying to understand them, to heal from them. It doesn't seem to be working and I don't know another strategy. I can't comprehend that you became someone I didn't know, I can't comprehend the choices, I can't comprehend the spiral that lost control and became something unsalvageable.

Idk how to trust people anymore I trusted you with everything I had. I trusted myself. And it ended wrong. Now I think of trusting people and it starts to trigger anxiety and stress responses. I think about trusting myself and feel ashamed, a failure(even when I tried) then sink inward, close and shut down.

I've realized people are really alone their entire lives. No one ever really knows you, your internal self. Even when you think you know someone they are really the only ones that know themselves, their whole selves. And that's really lonely. Life is lonely.

Some thoughts that have been on repeat in my brain. Things I could say if that were possible.

I’m still here just trying to heal or life or whatever action seems appropriate but it's like I'm starting to sound like some pyscho ex that can't let go. I get frustrated, sad, angry, we said forever, we planned a life.

We're gone, time has moved on, but I can't. I get stuck in the trauma of the situations that unravelled and trying to understand them, to heal from them. It doesn't seem to be working and I don't know another strategy. I can't comprehend that you became someone I didn't know, I can't comprehend the choices, I can't comprehend the spiral that lost control and became something unsalvageable.

Idk how to trust people anymore I trusted you with everything I had. I trusted myself. And it ended wrong. Now I think of trusting people and it starts to trigger anxiety and stress responses. I think about trusting myself and feel ashamed, a failure(even when I tried) then sink inward, close and shut down.

I've realized people are really alone their entire lives. No one ever really knows you, your internal self. Even when you think you know someone they are really the only ones that know themselves, their whole selves. And that's really lonely. Life is lonely.

The series finale of the show we watched lands on the day you left me. I had been putting off watching it because it was a reminder and I finally decided I'll try, I'll claim it back, I’ll get a part of me and things I enjoy back. And well …

Funny how ironic pain can be..funny as well as…other things better left unsaid. Man I'm tired of the universe most days and struggling for reason the others.

I'm giving up, giving in, feeling the breakdown, having a disaster, just done, nope, nuh uh, I'm over it. I'm giving into the moment and shutting down.

Trying to discard and cycle through idk what else to do but FML. I'm a mermaid and I'm drowning. How do you fix that?

The series finale of the show we watched lands on the day you left me. I had been putting off watching it because it was a reminder and I finally decided I'll try, I'll claim it back, I’ll get a part of me and things I enjoy back. And well…

Funny how ironic pain can be... Funny as well as… other things better left unsaid. Man I'm tired of the universe most days and struggling for reason the others.

I'm giving up, giving in, feeling the breakdown, having a disaster, just done, nope, nuh uh, I'm over it. I'm giving into the moment and shutting down.

Trying to discard and cycle through idk what else to do but FML. I'm a mermaid and I'm drowning. How do you fix that?

I wish when you haunted my dreams I haunted yours. I wish you knew the amount you still infect me.

I was watching a movie and the characters professed their undying multi life love for one another and all I could think was how it's all bullshit. (Thanks for that) I heard those same lines. I had the promises. I had that same feelings (so did you according to the lies) and it made no difference when it came down to actions and choices.

What happened happened and you moved on with your life. Family doesn't matter. Lovers don't matter. You matter. So the story goes. Even after lifetimes together and the thought of lifetimes to come. Nothing but lovely daydreams from a lived facade.

One of the hardest parts to sit with is the feelings that come on a daily basis that come from what I see. So many things I'd tell you about, share with you and I can't. I see events we went to and I can't even think about going again, they're full of memories, hurts and what ifs now. It's like you took so much more than yourself from my life.

The asshole in me hopes it's as hard for you as it is for me. But then I regret feeling that way and I stop and sit with guilt and the trauma. They say talking and time helps. Doesn't seem to be. I don't understand how you can live with yourself but it seems you found a way to no worse for wear. Guess I'm not meant to understand how love became nothing even when we claimed it meant the world.

Just a fool, a fool in love, who fell in love, who fell for love and was left an even bigger fool.

​

I wish when you haunted my dreams I haunted yours. I wish you knew the amount you still infect me.

I was watching a movie and the characters professed their undying multi life love for one another and all I could think was how it's all bullshit. (Thanks for that) I heard those same lines. I had the promises. I had that same feelings (so did you according to the lies) and it made no difference when it came down to actions and choices.

What happened happened and you moved on with your life. Family doesn't matter. Lovers don't matter. You matter. So the story goes. Even after lifetimes together and the thought of lifetimes to come. Nothing but lovely daydreams from a lived facade.

One of the hardest parts to sit with is the feelings that come on a daily basis that come from what I see. So many things I'd tell you about, share with you and I can't. I see events we went to and I can't even think about going again, they're full of memories, hurts and what ifs now. It's like you took so much more than yourself from my life.

The asshole in me hopes it's as hard for you as it is for me. But then I regret feeling that way and I stop and sit with guilt and the trauma. They say talking and time helps. Doesn't seem to be. I don't understand how you can live with yourself but it seems you found a way to no worse for wear. Guess I'm not meant to understand how love became nothing even when we claimed it meant the world.

Just a fool, a fool in love, who fell in love, who fell for love and was left an even bigger fool.

​

I need to stop hating you but I don't know how after what you did.

Maybe it's selfish of me but after your choices that were consciously unconcerned about anyone else/impacts I don't think you deserve anything more.

I try to do things but I feel so hollow. Things that used to make me happy don't anymore or they make me sad. New things don't spark much.

I wore my hair in braids for the first time in years and I didn't even feel like I could be or was the person that wore them daily.

I feel like I let you take or break my…anything my everything and that's my own fault. I can understand that part of the lesson but the rest or maybe the aftermath idk.

I need to stop loving you but I don't know how after what you did. What I did. What we did.

It's like I'm not even me anymore and spiraling down a drain instead of knowing who I am or can be or even want to be. I have no want left. Near nothing.

The world just moves on and everything becomes ok …I'M NOT OKAY not even close.

It Doesn't Get Easier That's a Lie

You carry it or process it.

It's been several years since our lives separated, we lost people and my world got turned upside down. I doubt you know the last day we saw each other I do and that kills me. It's a grief I'll carry forever.

The last thing I think about at night is still you, the first thought I reach for in the morning is still you. I don't know how to replace that. I carry a heartache and emotions like armor. It's become a part of me. Shielding me from the world, from someone like you and I'm not sure I can ever lower it.

I miss you more the more time goes on. I'm learning to carry that and let you go. All I can do is fade as a memory.

​

It Doesn't Get Easier That's a Lie

You carry it or process it.

It's been several years since our lives separated, we lost people and my world got turned upside down. I doubt you know the last day we saw each other I do and that kills me. It's a grief I'll carry forever.

The last thing I think about at night is still you, the first thought I reach for in the morning is still you. I don't know how to replace that. I carry a heartache and emotions like armor. It's become a part of me. Shielding me from the world, from someone like you and I'm not sure I can ever lower it.

I miss you more the more time goes on. I'm learning to carry that and let you go. All I can do is fade as a memory.

I'm taking a moment, throwing a tantrum. I'm frustrated, I'm hurt, idk what to do with it.

Our lives changed, my life changed several springs ago and I’m still hung up. Still hurting. I'm going kinda crazy. I'm so angry, I'm so frustrated I don't know how to move beyond the victim position and actually heal. Just go through the motions, try to let things go and process, find new things etc.

I don't understand how we just continue on, how the most devastating moments can take place and the world keeps rolling. People are resilient but it feels useless. Hope is hard. It hurts.

It feels like the world doesn't care if people are able to continue on because there's always people. And I feel like I'm dying slowly from the inside out and the world doesn't know or care because it just keeps going. Life moves on. People live their lives. My life ended and I'm supposed to keep living. It's unpleasant, it's hard and I just wanted to cry about it cause idk what else to do.

​

I'm taking a moment, throwing a tantrum. I'm frustrated, I'm hurt, idk what to do with it. 

Our lives changed, my life changed several springs ago and I’m still hung up. Still hurting. I'm going kinda crazy. I'm so angry, I'm so frustrated I don't know how to move beyond the victim position and actually heal. Just go through the motions, try to let things go and process, find new things etc. 

I don't understand how we just continue on, how the most devastating moments can take place and the world keeps rolling. People are resilient but it feels useless. Hope is hard. It hurts. 

It feels like the world doesn't care if people are able to continue on because there's always people. And I feel like I'm dying slowly from the inside out and the world doesn't know or care because it just keeps going. Life moves on. People live their lives. My life ended and I'm supposed to keep living. It's unpleasant, it's hard and I just wanted to cry about it cause idk what else to do. 

Oh to let you go were that even possible… as if. That's the trouble with having lives that revolved around one another for over a decade… there's residuals. There's overlap. We could run into one another at events, hobby activities, common interests, etc. When visiting friends or relatives. At the grocery store. There's still people in both our lives and there always will be. You'll come up in conversation whether I want you to or not, it's inevitable.

What I don't understand is how you aren't constantly reminded of traumatizing “your best friend, your lover, your twin flame.” I guess that doesn't happen when you're the perpetrator. I don't understand how you can live with yourself/selves but I guess that also factors into how I'll never understand how you could do the things you did. I couldn't live with myself knowing I was intentionally hurting someone I claimed to love and want a future with cause it suited my wants. Cause it was easier to do the wrong thing than the right thing. It makes me wonder if it even fazes you when you encounter the overlap in our lives, people or otherwise. It must not. I guess I have to stop trying to understand, I'm not going to and will go crazy trying.

I need to realize I'll never understand what happened because I'd never do the same thing, you couldn't convince me it was worth the outcome. I really wonder if I knew you at all, or just a filtered version that used me until you changed your mind. I can understand people grow and change over time but it's hard to believe someone would grow into a monster, a villain because it was less work.

Oh to let you go were that even possible… as if. That's the trouble with having lives that revolved around one another for over a decade… there's residuals. There's overlap. We could run into one another at events, hobby activities, common interests, etc. When visiting friends or relatives. At the grocery store. There's still people in both our lives and there always will be. You'll come up in conversation whether I want you to or not, it's inevitable.

What I don't understand is how you aren't constantly reminded of traumatizing “your best friend, your lover, your twin flame.” I guess that doesn't happen when you're the perpetrator. I don't understand how you can live with yourself/selves but I guess that also factors into how I'll never understand how you could do the things you did. I couldn't live with myself knowing I was intentionally hurting someone I claimed to love and want a future with cause it suited my wants. Cause it was easier to do the wrong thing than the right thing. It makes me wonder if it even fazes you when you encounter the overlap in our lives, people or otherwise. It must not. I guess I have to stop trying to understand, I'm not going to and will go crazy trying.

I need to realize I'll never understand what happened because I'd never do the same thing, you couldn't convince me it was worth the outcome. I really wonder if I knew you at all, or just a filtered version that used me until you changed your mind. I can understand people grow and change over time but it's hard to believe someone would grow into a monster, a villain because it was less work.

I've been thinking about writing about the people who read my posts and reach out thinking I'm their person.

It's never really disappointing to me cause I know you'll never be here but I feel for them and their disappointment. They're let down. I can only hope they find their ways or their people. I try to find solace in the knowledge that others are lost but I'm not sure solace is really the outcome. It's more melancholy that hurt can hold such heavy sway and sad compassion. It's a learning experience, there's no doubt about that, but sometimes ignorance is bliss. Sometimes I envy ignorance… sometimes.

Or maybe I envy the narcissist or the hypocrite. Their ignorance seems to work in their favor. It worked for you at my expense. Definitely didn't work out for me. I can not get the things that happened, things I can't believe happened out of my head. It's an internal struggle between emotions and rationality. It's ridiculous. There's nothing more I can do about them. But their carnage is always present, I live it. So you're on my mind throughout the days, some worse than others, some triggers are worse than others but I'm trying day to day.

At some point that's gotta count for something. It's all I can tell myself as I live life without you. It isn't life anymore and I'm not really inclined to make a new one either thanks to ours, to you. But I try. It's the little things I fight with the most and I often sit with thoughts hoping to heal or let go or reclaim.

I wonder if you or the kids still play our phone game. It's not very likely but if you do, I still do. I wonder if we'd still compare our accomplishments in it if we still shared anything.

I did some chores today, they're chores I have because of things we did together and it felt lonesome. It felt like maybe I shouldn't have them in my life anymore and I'm considering the process of no longer having them. Habits, interests, just those little things that bonded us that are now a hollow memory of you. I'll think about it awhile and decide if it matters to me without you or whether they're chores/things I don't want anymore.

There's a movie coming out that made me think of you. It's an outdoor adventure thriller. I might go see it and think about how we used to trust each other's lives in one another's hands and how it's really a mindfuck. It didn't mean the same or as much to you as it did for me, and that I'm here trying to decide how I can keep memories of you, of a life with you - without them being tainted. The disappointing fact is they are, whether I keep them or not.

​

I've been thinking about writing about the people who read my posts and reach out thinking I'm their person.

It's never really disappointing to me cause I know you'll never be here but I feel for them and their disappointment. They're let down. I can only hope they find their ways or their people. I try to find solace in the knowledge that others are lost but I'm not sure solace is really the outcome. It's more melancholy that hurt can hold such heavy sway and sad compassion. It's a learning experience, there's no doubt about that, but sometimes ignorance is bliss. Sometimes I envy ignorance… sometimes.

Or maybe I envy the narcissist or the hypocrite. Their ignorance seems to work in their favor. It worked for you at my expense. Definitely didn't work out for me. I can not get the things that happened, things I can't believe happened out of my head. It's an internal struggle between emotions and rationality. It's ridiculous. There's nothing more I can do about them. But their carnage is always present, I live it. So you're on my mind throughout the days, some worse than others, some triggers are worse than others but I'm trying day to day.

At some point that's gotta count for something. It's all I can tell myself as I live life without you. It isn't life anymore and I'm not really inclined to make a new one either thanks to ours, to you. But I try. It's the little things I fight with the most and I often sit with thoughts hoping to heal or let go or reclaim.

I wonder if you or the kids still play our phone game. It's not very likely but if you do, I still do. I wonder if we'd still compare our accomplishments in it if we still shared anything.

I did some chores today, they're chores I have because of things we did together and it felt lonesome. It felt like maybe I shouldn't have them in my life anymore and I'm considering the process of no longer having them. Habits, interests, just those little things that bonded us that are now a hollow memory of you. I'll think about it awhile and decide if it matters to me without you or whether they're chores/things I don't want anymore.

There's a movie coming out that made me think of you. It's an outdoor adventure thriller. I might go see it and think about how we used to trust each other's lives in one another's hands and how it's really a mindfuck. It didn't mean the same or as much to you as it did for me, and that I'm here trying to decide how I can keep memories of you, of a life with you - without them being tainted. The disappointing fact is they are, whether I keep them or not.