u/AShotInTheDark89

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I'm breaking again, I'm drowning and hopeless. I can't stop myself from thinking about things over and over and that they really meant nothing? I just don't understand. There were promises, there were memories, there were goals, there was support, there was love, there was intimacy, there was communication, there was excitement, there was fun, there was loyalty, there was endearment, there was encouragement. But apparently there couldn't be compromise and challenges. All the things there was were only half truths and then there were the lies that came out of the dark endless, murderous, like a waterfall with overflowing waters. I don't understand and I have to convince myself I don't need to understand but it makes me feel crazy. Did I read the room that wrong, am I an idiot, vain, the problem, socially inept, idk. I'm just breaking again. Actually not again, I'm just still broken and any healing seems little help. I guess I have to learn to live broken. 

I'm breaking again, I'm drowning and hopeless. I can't stop myself from thinking about things over and over and that they really meant nothing? I just don't understand. There were promises, there were memories, there were goals, there was support, there was love, there was intimacy, there was communication, there was excitement, there was fun, there was loyalty, there was endearment, there was encouragement. But apparently there couldn't be compromise and challenges. All the things there was were only half truths and then there were the lies that came out of the dark endless, murderous, like a waterfall with overflowing waters. I don't understand and I have to convince myself I don't need to understand but it makes me feel crazy. Did I read the room that wrong, am I an idiot, vain, the problem, socially inept, idk. I'm just breaking again. Actually not again, I'm just still broken and any healing seems little help. I guess I have to learn to live broken. 

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Someone told me today that I didn’t seem like myself anymore, that I no longer did the things they always considered part of what made me who I am/was. That I seemed to be missing the love of life that I used to make them want to have. I didn’t have the heart to tell them it’s because depression wins daily and that the part of me that’s missing died when I lost you. How do I get me back. I’m not even sure I can, or if I want to. It feels like my belief in myself, in others, in the world around me, that my hope is gone. I didn’t have the heart to say that I can’t seem to recover from the traumas. I didn’t have the heart to say that I don’t seem like myself anymore because I’m not and I never will be again. I din’t have to the heart to say I don’t seem like me anymore because I don’t love life anymore and I can’t seem to find reasons to love it again. I just don’t believe in them or me or people. I go through the motions cause I don’t know what else to don’t believe they matter anymore. Nothing matters you showed me that, not what I believe, not what others want me to believe, and if nothing matters what’s the point of any of it. Someone told me I didn’t seem like myself anymore and I didn’t have the heart to say it’s because life has made me into no one.

Someone told me today that I didn’t seem like myself anymore, that I no longer did the things they always considered part of what made me who I am/was. That I seemed to be missing the love of life that I used to make them want to have. I didn’t have the heart to tell them it’s because depression wins daily and that the part of me that’s missing died when I lost you. How do I get me back. I’m not even sure I can, or if I want to. It feels like my belief in myself, in others, in the world around me, that my hope is gone. I didn’t have the heart to say that I can’t seem to recover from the traumas. I didn’t have the heart to say that I don’t seem like myself anymore because I’m not and I never will be again. I din’t have to the heart to say I don’t seem like me anymore because I don’t love life anymore and I can’t seem to find reasons to love it again. I just don’t believe in them or me or people. I go through the motions cause I don’t know what else to don’t believe they matter anymore. Nothing matters you showed me that, not what I believe, not what others want me to believe, and if nothing matters what’s the point of any of it. Someone told me I didn’t seem like myself anymore and I didn’t have the heart to say it’s because life has made me into no one.

It's been years since we shared space, since I've felt your energy. I wonder if the kids even remember my name, little lives go so fast. It breaks my heart. It's been years I'm a memory from another life but you still hold power over me. That is an ache I can not stop. A constant pull on my soul where there is now an empty space. I don't understand how I can feel that way, how you told me that you felt that way too, how we lived that way only to lose it. It's been years since I've seen your eyes, and talked to your soul. I still can't believe it wasn't whole. It's been years and I still wake up and for a moment forget now I live a life without you…or really more like… just exist.

It's been years since we shared space, since I've felt your energy. I wonder if the kids even remember my name, little lives go so fast. It breaks my heart. It's been years I'm a memory from another life but you still hold power over me. That is an ache I can not stop. A constant pull on my soul where there is now an empty space. I don't understand how I can feel that way, how you told me that you felt that way too, how we lived that way only to lose it. It's been years since I've seen your eyes, and talked to your soul. I still can't believe it wasn't whole. It's been years and I still wake up and for a moment forget now I live a life without you…or really more like… just exist.

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I can't get over my sad and angry feelings. I can't get over being left for dead when … when well our lives were one in the same. I can't get over the loss. There is so much, not just you and us, there's so much.

I can't get over you, the choices, the emotions, the lies, not just the lies that you didn't want me to know but the ones you consciously took part in and encouraged me to believe. I can't. I've tried. I'm trying. I just can't, it's always gonna be there. It'll get quieter, things will replace it because life moves on but, it'll always keep a part of me. It'll always kill me. You killed me, knowingly. And I can't get over that idk how.

I hate to feel it. I hate to type it out but I hate you. I hate what you did to me. I hate myself. I hate how you made me feel the greatest ways and it was all a ruse that became feelings in the worst ways.

I don't know how to turn that hate back into love. You took away my wonder, my magic, me. And I let you, that's my fault and something I'll never do again. Boundaries are important even with people you want to give everything to. That's a lesson learned. I hate that I hate. And I let you do that to me too.

You're not even a part of my life anymore but you have a hold over every day. I hate that you still matter and I hate that you shouldn't anymore. I hate that I can't let go and I need to. I hate that I ever met you. I hate that I want to forget you. I hate that I felt love for you and loved by you to the point I never could've/would've lived without you and now I do. But I guess it's not really living anymore is it. I hate that I love you the way I do/did and you matched what I gave to you and that it wasn't really you or how you felt or what you believe.

I can't get over my hate. When I try I hurt, I feel guilty, I breakdown, I don't believe, I lose any want to try. I lost my love, I want my hate to be love again, I want my love back.

I can't get over my sad and angry feelings. I can't get over being left for dead when … when well our lives were one in the same. I can't get over the loss. There is so much, not just you and us, there's so much.

I can't get over you, the choices, the emotions, the lies, not just the lies that you didn't want me to know but the ones you consciously took part in and encouraged me to believe. I can't. I've tried. I'm trying. I just can't, it's always gonna be there. It'll get quieter, things will replace it because life moves on but, it'll always keep a part of me. It'll always kill me. You killed me, knowingly. And I can't get over that idk how.

I hate to feel it. I hate to type it out but I hate you. I hate what you did to me. I hate myself. I hate how you made me feel the greatest ways and it was all a ruse that became feelings in the worst ways.

I don't know how to turn that hate back into love. You took away my wonder, my magic, me. And I let you, that's my fault and something I'll never do again. Boundaries are important even with people you want to give everything to. That's a lesson learned. I hate that I hate. And I let you do that to me too.

You're not even a part of my life anymore but you have a hold over every day. I hate that you still matter and I hate that you shouldn't anymore. I hate that I can't let go and I need to. I hate that I ever met you. I hate that I want to forget you. I hate that I felt love for you and loved by you to the point I never could've/would've lived without you and now I do. But I guess it's not really living anymore is it. I hate that I love you the way I do/did and you matched what I gave to you and that it wasn't really you or how you felt or what you believe.

I can't get over my hate. When I try I hurt, I feel guilty, I breakdown, I don't believe, I lose any want to try. I lost my love, I want my hate to be love again, I want my love back.

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F*!ck you. F*!ck that I still cry for you. F*!ck that you took everything.

I try to talk to new people, I try to find fun things to do, I try to push myself, motivate myself, I try to heal, but I don't. Apathy. Depression. More negative traits and challenges than I care to share. I try. But…

It's not you. It's not with you. It's just not what it should be and a victim spiral cycles. What's the point. There isn't one anymore. You're not here anymore. We're not anymore.

And yes I should self love and be reason enough but I can't program my brain to think that.

F*!ck you for leaving me alone. F*!ck you for breaking me. For breaking my trust in people, in life, in you, in myself.

F*!ck that I can't let go. F*!ck that it hurts. F*!ck that it's hard. That it's always going to hurt. F*!ck that you even ruined the good memories.

Some days all I can do is breathe.

F*!ck you.

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F*!ck you. F*!ck that I still cry for you. F*!ck that you took everything.

I try to talk to new people, I try to find fun things to do, I try to push myself, motivate myself, I try to heal, but I don't. Apathy. Depression. More negative traits and challenges than I care to share. I try. But…

It's not you. It's not with you. It's just not what it should be and a victim spiral cycles. What's the point. There isn't one anymore. You're not here anymore. We're not anymore.

And yes I should self love and be reason enough but I can't program my brain to think that.

F*!ck you for leaving me alone. F*!ck you for breaking me. For breaking my trust in people, in life, in you, in myself.

F*!ck that I can't let go. F*!ck that it hurts. F*!ck that it's hard. That it's always going to hurt. F*!ck that you even ruined the good memories.

Some days all I can do is breathe.

F*!ck you.

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Everytime your name comes up in conversation (our social circles will always overlap some) my heart drops. Gut wrenching emotional turmoil explodes through me but all I can do is smile and nod and pretend I'm fine, it's fine. Life moves on, I have to as well. Impossible of a feat as that is.

Instead of crying about you or while I'm crying I'm reflecting on the musings in my head. I wonder if I'm just naive in believing that people are inherently good. It feels like the more I experience the world and people and the more I learn, ... that I wasn't given appropriate instructions. The rules for how people really behave and think and prioritize and learn to live their lives isn't the same set of rules I was taught. I'm a puzzle piece that doesn't fit.

I've always considered myself intuitive and empathetic and I'm struggling to comprehend that perhaps I'm neither. I'm doubting my own judgement and my own beliefs. I feel like an idiot like I'm doing life wrong. It seems to be a constant uphill battle, like no matter how I try I'm not hitting the mark, I'm not understanding the assignment. It's really starting to feel like I'm the problem and I really can't figure out why.

It doesn't help that I was wrong about you. That everything that had been so fantastic, so sure, so supported, and encouraged, and commended, and right was suddenly the opposite with no warning, explanation or closure. It doesn't help that you acted the part so long, so well, so authentically that now I'm so many forms of broken, destroyed, struggling, emotional and defeated all I can do is drown with my thoughts. I can't swim forever.

Everytime your name comes up in conversation (our social circles will always overlap some) my heart drops. Gut wrenching emotional turmoil explodes through me but all I can do is smile and nod and pretend I'm fine, it's fine. Life moves on, I have to as well. Impossible of a feat as that is.

Instead of crying about you or while I'm crying I'm reflecting on the musings in my head. I wonder if I'm just naive in believing that people are inherently good. It feels like the more I experience the world and people and the more I learn, ... that I wasn't given appropriate instructions. The rules for how people really behave and think and prioritize and learn to live their lives isn't the same set of rules I was taught. I'm a puzzle piece that doesn't fit.

I've always considered myself intuitive and empathetic and I'm struggling to comprehend that perhaps I'm neither. I'm doubting my own judgement and my own beliefs. I feel like an idiot like I'm doing life wrong. It seems to be a constant uphill battle, like no matter how I try I'm not hitting the mark, I'm not understanding the assignment. It's really starting to feel like I'm the problem and I really can't figure out why.

It doesn't help that I was wrong about you. That everything that had been so fantastic, so sure, so supported, and encouraged, and commended, and right was suddenly the opposite with no warning, explanation or closure. It doesn't help that you acted the part so long, so well, so authentically that now I'm so many forms of broken, destroyed, struggling, emotional and defeated all I can do is drown with my thoughts. I can't swim forever.

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Miss you everyday, I miss waking up and falling asleep, I miss my life with you. I miss loving you. I miss who I was when I loved you, when I felt loved by you.

I loved a lie, was loved under false pretenses and fake promises. I long for a thing that wasn't even real. I mourn a person that wasn't real. A facade that was so long that took so much time and effort, I can't begin to understand. I'm starting to think maybe no matter what you're a facade because I don't even think you're honest with yourself. Why would a person put that much work and energy into a lie?

I can't even dwell on positives, they're overshadowed by negatives and it hurts my soul. To my core. I loved to my core and that's my mistake. I understand that.

I'm angry at the passage of time, the hurt doesn't seem to dull. I'm angry at you. I'm angry that I'm angry. I'm angry I miss more than I can put into words and I shouldn't because it meant the world until it didn't and then none of it meant a thing.

I guess some people can turn emotions on and off like a light switch, they can turn love on and off. I don't love that way, love is part of my being it doesn't have an on/off it's always there. You'll always be there. I miss not loving you, I miss loving you every day, every morning, every night.

Miss you everyday, I miss waking up and falling asleep, I miss my life with you. I miss loving you. I miss who I was when I loved you, when I felt loved by you.

I loved a lie, was loved under false pretenses and fake promises. I long for a thing that wasn't even real. I mourn a person that wasn't real. A facade that was so long that took so much time and effort, I can't begin to understand. I'm starting to think maybe no matter what you're a facade because I don't even think you're honest with yourself. Why would a person put that much work and energy into a lie?

I can't even dwell on positives, they're overshadowed by negatives and it hurts my soul. To my core. I loved to my core and that's my mistake. I understand that.

I'm angry at the passage of time, the hurt doesn't seem to dull. I'm angry at you. I'm angry that I'm angry. I'm angry I miss more than I can put into words and I shouldn't because it meant the world until it didn't and then none of it meant a thing.

I guess some people can turn emotions on and off like a light switch, they can turn love on and off. I don't love that way, love is part of my being it doesn't have an on/off it's always there. You'll always be there. I miss not loving you, I miss loving you every day, every morning, every night.

You left because you're guilty and that'll catch up to you. I've gotta tell myself that for my own sanity. I've gotta believe in karma cause it's my only closure.

You admitted to your faults, you apologized and chose the faults over us, over me and some days I feel like even over yourself.

Missing you is relentless. I keep trying to distract myself. I saw a quote the other day about trying to rekindle joy, about finding happiness in interests and hobbies about trying to live but it all just feels like shades of grey and I felt understood. I felt like nothing, I felt that void, that I get to carry forever.(Why don't you?)

You left because you're guilty and that'll catch up to you. I've gotta tell myself that for my own sanity. I've gotta believe in karma cause it's my only closure.

You admitted to your faults, you apologized and chose the faults over us, over me and some days I feel like even over yourself.

Missing you is relentless. I keep trying to distract myself. I saw a quote the other day about trying to rekindle joy, about finding happiness in interests and hobbies about trying to live but it all just feels like shades of grey and I felt understood. I felt like nothing, I felt that void, that I get to carry forever.(Why don't you?)

Some thoughts that have been on repeat in my brain. Things I could say if that were possible.

I’m still here just trying to heal or life or whatever action seems appropriate but it's like I'm starting to sound like some pyscho ex that can't let go. I get frustrated, sad, angry, we said forever, we planned a life.

We're gone, time has moved on, but I can't. I get stuck in the trauma of the situations that unravelled and trying to understand them, to heal from them. It doesn't seem to be working and I don't know another strategy. I can't comprehend that you became someone I didn't know, I can't comprehend the choices, I can't comprehend the spiral that lost control and became something unsalvageable.

Idk how to trust people anymore I trusted you with everything I had. I trusted myself. And it ended wrong. Now I think of trusting people and it starts to trigger anxiety and stress responses. I think about trusting myself and feel ashamed, a failure(even when I tried) then sink inward, close and shut down.

I've realized people are really alone their entire lives. No one ever really knows you, your internal self. Even when you think you know someone they are really the only ones that know themselves, their whole selves. And that's really lonely. Life is lonely.