u/AShotInTheDark89

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I saw some writing describing full force love with all in investment and it made me realize.

I was unhinged with you, I let my walls all down, I thought I was safe. That's a part that is hard to overcome. My safety was false. My judgement was faulty. And now nothing feels safe.

I don't even want to be the me you know/knew anymore because every part of me reminds me of you or being hurt by you. That sounds worse than I think I mean it to or maybe I've been in denial. Idk. I guess you couldn't be a part of who I'm becoming but you were supposed to be, we had planned for you to be. It feels like I don't get to be me anymore because you're not here.

How do I ever feel safe again? When the safest place in my world destroyed me?

​

It never ceases to amaze me that people voice their own perceptions and opinions without being fully informed. It blows my mind even more when people are involved, when emotions are evident. The entitlement people have to forgo empathy and understanding because getting to know the details takes work says so much more about the state of people than many things can. My heart hurts for more than me it hurts for others. Of course I play a role in my own circumstances but without knowing them judging them is a form of ignorance. It seems commonplace enough that it's one of the ways of the world, I wish I didn't have to accept. If you don’t have all the pieces maybe you shouldn't be trying to put something together until you do.

I even hate doing dishes because you used to do them with me. You show up in my memory feed far too often. A picture today broke my heart, you're goofy smile, the spark in your eyes I thought was love. You put on such a face, such a front, such a lie. 

It hurts me when I think about trying to start new friendships and relationships. You knew everything we'd lived life together. I don't wanna explain that to someone else. I get anxious and hold back and spiral into vicious self doubt. 

I'm soul searching trying to find something that ignites my spirit, a reason to get up in the morning and I'm struggling to find it. There's temporary fixes but they wain and I circle down an all too familiar drain. Hah… kinda like a sink drain.

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It’s so great when your ex is over you and living their life…moving on… not. At some point I won't feel so ugly about the situation. At some point I'll heal. I need to for myself. That point isn't now. It's so great not to care enough about what your choices did to those around you that you can live without guilt, or remorse. You probably don't even know what that word means.

I'm being petty right now, I'm angry, I'm hurt. Yea still…one of my vices. You knew that. But we did say forever. Unlike you my convictions mean something to me and I struggle to make forever mean something else now.

I'm so happy you're living your good life, not a care in the world. The same vicious cycles that treat people like objects and a means to an end. Idk. Good luck to anyone that crosses your path. I hurt for them as much as myself.

I need to stop trying to understand because I won't. I'm not you and you're not who you told me. But that hurts too. It's just another bad thing in life, another horrific realization/experience, a point for the dark side and the balance sure feels outta whack. And idk how to heal that. The bad outweighs the good in what seems like too many facets of life. You were supposed to be a safe space, love, where I could be my best self. That's what I was for you. Why’d you live a lie….for yourself. I can't begin to understand, what do I do instead?

I had a break down today. I cried more of the day then I didn't. I looked at pictures of you and cried some more. I read motivational healing quotes and educational notes and cried some more. I listened to music, I wrote or I'm writing and cried some more.

There is some unhealthy hurt part of me that would be vindicated to know you experienced the same debilitating emotional carnage but the logical part of me knows the likelihood of that is low if not zero. At best I occasionally haunt you. Even then I'm so unsure about what was honest and what was a lie and if there was any truth in any of what we made. As if I haunt you...let alone cross your mind, I might not even be a memory.

I had a breakdown today and I cried. Forever wasn't wrong but how forever was experienced isn't what was meant.

I had a break down today. I cried more of the day then I didn't. I looked at pictures of you and cried some more. I read motivational healing quotes and educational notes and cried some more. I listened to music, I wrote or I'm writing and cried some more.

There is some unhealthy hurt part of me that would be vindicated to know you experienced the same debilitating emotional carnage but the logical part of me knows the likelihood of that is low if not zero. At best I occasionally haunt you. Even then I'm so unsure about what was honest and what was a lie and if there was any truth in any of what we made. As if I haunt you...let alone cross your mind, I might not even be a memory.

I had a breakdown today and I cried. Forever wasn't wrong but how forever was experienced isn't what was meant.

​

I'm breaking again, I'm drowning and hopeless. I can't stop myself from thinking about things over and over and that they really meant nothing? I just don't understand. There were promises, there were memories, there were goals, there was support, there was love, there was intimacy, there was communication, there was excitement, there was fun, there was loyalty, there was endearment, there was encouragement. But apparently there couldn't be compromise and challenges. All the things there was were only half truths and then there were the lies that came out of the dark endless, murderous, like a waterfall with overflowing waters. I don't understand and I have to convince myself I don't need to understand but it makes me feel crazy. Did I read the room that wrong, am I an idiot, vain, the problem, socially inept, idk. I'm just breaking again. Actually not again, I'm just still broken and any healing seems little help. I guess I have to learn to live broken. 

I'm breaking again, I'm drowning and hopeless. I can't stop myself from thinking about things over and over and that they really meant nothing? I just don't understand. There were promises, there were memories, there were goals, there was support, there was love, there was intimacy, there was communication, there was excitement, there was fun, there was loyalty, there was endearment, there was encouragement. But apparently there couldn't be compromise and challenges. All the things there was were only half truths and then there were the lies that came out of the dark endless, murderous, like a waterfall with overflowing waters. I don't understand and I have to convince myself I don't need to understand but it makes me feel crazy. Did I read the room that wrong, am I an idiot, vain, the problem, socially inept, idk. I'm just breaking again. Actually not again, I'm just still broken and any healing seems little help. I guess I have to learn to live broken. 

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Someone told me today that I didn’t seem like myself anymore, that I no longer did the things they always considered part of what made me who I am/was. That I seemed to be missing the love of life that I used to make them want to have. I didn’t have the heart to tell them it’s because depression wins daily and that the part of me that’s missing died when I lost you. How do I get me back. I’m not even sure I can, or if I want to. It feels like my belief in myself, in others, in the world around me, that my hope is gone. I didn’t have the heart to say that I can’t seem to recover from the traumas. I didn’t have the heart to say that I don’t seem like myself anymore because I’m not and I never will be again. I din’t have to the heart to say I don’t seem like me anymore because I don’t love life anymore and I can’t seem to find reasons to love it again. I just don’t believe in them or me or people. I go through the motions cause I don’t know what else to don’t believe they matter anymore. Nothing matters you showed me that, not what I believe, not what others want me to believe, and if nothing matters what’s the point of any of it. Someone told me I didn’t seem like myself anymore and I didn’t have the heart to say it’s because life has made me into no one.

Someone told me today that I didn’t seem like myself anymore, that I no longer did the things they always considered part of what made me who I am/was. That I seemed to be missing the love of life that I used to make them want to have. I didn’t have the heart to tell them it’s because depression wins daily and that the part of me that’s missing died when I lost you. How do I get me back. I’m not even sure I can, or if I want to. It feels like my belief in myself, in others, in the world around me, that my hope is gone. I didn’t have the heart to say that I can’t seem to recover from the traumas. I didn’t have the heart to say that I don’t seem like myself anymore because I’m not and I never will be again. I din’t have to the heart to say I don’t seem like me anymore because I don’t love life anymore and I can’t seem to find reasons to love it again. I just don’t believe in them or me or people. I go through the motions cause I don’t know what else to don’t believe they matter anymore. Nothing matters you showed me that, not what I believe, not what others want me to believe, and if nothing matters what’s the point of any of it. Someone told me I didn’t seem like myself anymore and I didn’t have the heart to say it’s because life has made me into no one.

It's been years since we shared space, since I've felt your energy. I wonder if the kids even remember my name, little lives go so fast. It breaks my heart. It's been years I'm a memory from another life but you still hold power over me. That is an ache I can not stop. A constant pull on my soul where there is now an empty space. I don't understand how I can feel that way, how you told me that you felt that way too, how we lived that way only to lose it. It's been years since I've seen your eyes, and talked to your soul. I still can't believe it wasn't whole. It's been years and I still wake up and for a moment forget now I live a life without you…or really more like… just exist.

It's been years since we shared space, since I've felt your energy. I wonder if the kids even remember my name, little lives go so fast. It breaks my heart. It's been years I'm a memory from another life but you still hold power over me. That is an ache I can not stop. A constant pull on my soul where there is now an empty space. I don't understand how I can feel that way, how you told me that you felt that way too, how we lived that way only to lose it. It's been years since I've seen your eyes, and talked to your soul. I still can't believe it wasn't whole. It's been years and I still wake up and for a moment forget now I live a life without you…or really more like… just exist.

​

I can't get over my sad and angry feelings. I can't get over being left for dead when … when well our lives were one in the same. I can't get over the loss. There is so much, not just you and us, there's so much.

I can't get over you, the choices, the emotions, the lies, not just the lies that you didn't want me to know but the ones you consciously took part in and encouraged me to believe. I can't. I've tried. I'm trying. I just can't, it's always gonna be there. It'll get quieter, things will replace it because life moves on but, it'll always keep a part of me. It'll always kill me. You killed me, knowingly. And I can't get over that idk how.

I hate to feel it. I hate to type it out but I hate you. I hate what you did to me. I hate myself. I hate how you made me feel the greatest ways and it was all a ruse that became feelings in the worst ways.

I don't know how to turn that hate back into love. You took away my wonder, my magic, me. And I let you, that's my fault and something I'll never do again. Boundaries are important even with people you want to give everything to. That's a lesson learned. I hate that I hate. And I let you do that to me too.

You're not even a part of my life anymore but you have a hold over every day. I hate that you still matter and I hate that you shouldn't anymore. I hate that I can't let go and I need to. I hate that I ever met you. I hate that I want to forget you. I hate that I felt love for you and loved by you to the point I never could've/would've lived without you and now I do. But I guess it's not really living anymore is it. I hate that I love you the way I do/did and you matched what I gave to you and that it wasn't really you or how you felt or what you believe.

I can't get over my hate. When I try I hurt, I feel guilty, I breakdown, I don't believe, I lose any want to try. I lost my love, I want my hate to be love again, I want my love back.

I can't get over my sad and angry feelings. I can't get over being left for dead when … when well our lives were one in the same. I can't get over the loss. There is so much, not just you and us, there's so much.

I can't get over you, the choices, the emotions, the lies, not just the lies that you didn't want me to know but the ones you consciously took part in and encouraged me to believe. I can't. I've tried. I'm trying. I just can't, it's always gonna be there. It'll get quieter, things will replace it because life moves on but, it'll always keep a part of me. It'll always kill me. You killed me, knowingly. And I can't get over that idk how.

I hate to feel it. I hate to type it out but I hate you. I hate what you did to me. I hate myself. I hate how you made me feel the greatest ways and it was all a ruse that became feelings in the worst ways.

I don't know how to turn that hate back into love. You took away my wonder, my magic, me. And I let you, that's my fault and something I'll never do again. Boundaries are important even with people you want to give everything to. That's a lesson learned. I hate that I hate. And I let you do that to me too.

You're not even a part of my life anymore but you have a hold over every day. I hate that you still matter and I hate that you shouldn't anymore. I hate that I can't let go and I need to. I hate that I ever met you. I hate that I want to forget you. I hate that I felt love for you and loved by you to the point I never could've/would've lived without you and now I do. But I guess it's not really living anymore is it. I hate that I love you the way I do/did and you matched what I gave to you and that it wasn't really you or how you felt or what you believe.

I can't get over my hate. When I try I hurt, I feel guilty, I breakdown, I don't believe, I lose any want to try. I lost my love, I want my hate to be love again, I want my love back.

​

F*!ck you. F*!ck that I still cry for you. F*!ck that you took everything.

I try to talk to new people, I try to find fun things to do, I try to push myself, motivate myself, I try to heal, but I don't. Apathy. Depression. More negative traits and challenges than I care to share. I try. But…

It's not you. It's not with you. It's just not what it should be and a victim spiral cycles. What's the point. There isn't one anymore. You're not here anymore. We're not anymore.

And yes I should self love and be reason enough but I can't program my brain to think that.

F*!ck you for leaving me alone. F*!ck you for breaking me. For breaking my trust in people, in life, in you, in myself.

F*!ck that I can't let go. F*!ck that it hurts. F*!ck that it's hard. That it's always going to hurt. F*!ck that you even ruined the good memories.

Some days all I can do is breathe.

F*!ck you.

​

F*!ck you. F*!ck that I still cry for you. F*!ck that you took everything.

I try to talk to new people, I try to find fun things to do, I try to push myself, motivate myself, I try to heal, but I don't. Apathy. Depression. More negative traits and challenges than I care to share. I try. But…

It's not you. It's not with you. It's just not what it should be and a victim spiral cycles. What's the point. There isn't one anymore. You're not here anymore. We're not anymore.

And yes I should self love and be reason enough but I can't program my brain to think that.

F*!ck you for leaving me alone. F*!ck you for breaking me. For breaking my trust in people, in life, in you, in myself.

F*!ck that I can't let go. F*!ck that it hurts. F*!ck that it's hard. That it's always going to hurt. F*!ck that you even ruined the good memories.

Some days all I can do is breathe.

F*!ck you.