u/AWITStize

Huling post ko dito i was 3 months bet free, i managed to make it until 5 months pero eto nanaman tayo back to zero or yet negative.

Akala ko okay na, nakakaipon nako at unti unting nababayaran yung utang nakabili pa nga ako ng bagong fold phone. Pero isang iglap nawala parang bula taena dahil lang sa ginusto ko lang sana makakuha pandagdag or extra money para makapag upgrade ng PC ending PC na naging bato pa taena naubos 120k na ipon plus additional 50k na utang taenang buhay to.

I need help pano gagawin, my total debt was 600k but i managed to bring it down to 300k well ngayon 350k na siya i need a new computer for my work pero ngayon di ko mabibili dahil sa kagaguhan ko, now i am planning not to pay my debts for atleast 3 months para lang maipon ko yung goal ko na 150k since i also need to pay utility and other personal bills i really need 3 months para maipon ko. Do you guys think okay lang kaya yun?

Di ko na alam tlga gagawin ko. Pota nag pa self exclude nga ako kaso naman sa crypto casino naman ako napunta na wlang control ni pagcor. Hay demonyo tlga walang takas sa tukso di naman ako makapag install ng gamban kasi di gagana yung mobile authenticator ko sa work.

Ngayon i feel sick, sukang suka ako sa sarili ko taena i am thinking if ever man kunin nako today ni Lord wala nako pakelam.

Hello, may alternative apps ba kayo na alam na hindi biniblock yung mga ewallet apps like BPI, Maya, Gcash Etc.

I've tried gamban, betblocker so far parehas nabloblock yung mga ewallets ko due to VPN it also block my authenticator for work.

For the past few months since i lost a lot of money due to crypto trading nawalan ako ng gana sa buhay. Everyday i feel lost and dissapointed sa sarili ko. Sinubukan kong labanan yung nararamdaman ko, I told my partner about it and because of that i managed to get a hold of myself, started to think na it's just money and mababawi ko din. Everything changed when i decided to take a loan to start a business, and to make it short, naluge yung business na sinumulan ko. Now all i have is another financial burden. I have a job, it's decent paying but just enough to cover my monthly expenses pay check to pay check ika nga, no savings, no emergency funds no nothing.

Habang tumatagal palala ng palala yung stress, anxiety. My life started to crumble, napabayaan ko yung sarili ko. I don't eat, hindi makatulog, started to have hygine problems, and i don't go out much minsan lang pag nag-aya lang lumabas partner ko. Di ko sinasabi sakanya lahat and even to my family, IDK kasi i think that time ayoko na makadagdag pa sa mga problema nila. Tapos dati, hindi naman ako mainggitin or mahilig mag compare kasi meron naman ako at kuntento ako sa meron ako. Ngayon, i always find myself comparing sa mga kaibigan ko. Nakakapag travel sila na dati kayang kaya ko din gawin, nakakabili ng bagong gadgets, tapos may mga matataas na sahod.

Hanggang sa patagal ng patagal, i sunk deeper and deeper. Napabayaan ko na work ko, dumagdag pa lalo ang problema nung muntik pako mawalan ng trabaho kasi nagkaroon ng restructuring ang company na pinagtratrabahuaan ko. Hanggang sa suddenly i don't feel anything or not sure with my feelings anymore. Minsan iiyak nalang ako bigla, minsan im okay. Then i started to think of death, the thoughts of dying doesn't scare me anymore. Then i started to have suicidal thoughts, about killing myself to end it all. Then one day i decided to do it, kumuha ako ng papel and sumulat ng notes containing everything about how i feel sorry i am to myself, my family and my partner. Provided all my credentials to my existing gadgets so they can sell it, i gave my bank information and insurance policy para to cover my burial expense. Then kinuha ko yung blanket ko at tinali ko sa exposed na sprinkler and tinali sa leeg ko, and puff biglang lambitin. Tapos while it's happening the thoughts of struggling to breath and the pain, i started to get scared i panicked. Sinubukan ko kumawala pero for a few seconds ayaw di ako maka alis tapos unti unti nakong nag fe-faint biglang pumasok sa isip ko yung muhka ng mama ko, and suddenly yung kumot biglang napunit. Bumagsak ako sa lapag at habol ng hininga, unang una na nakita ko sa paligid ko yung picture ng pumanaw kong mama at si jesus on cross.

Napaiyak ako, hindi ko alam parang bigla akong nahimasmasan iyak ako ng iyak tapos naisip ko di ko pala kaya mawala. Nag thank you ako sa itaas at kay mama then tinawagan ko yung partner ko habang umiiyak ako tapos kinuwento ko yung ginawa ko sa sarili ko. Since the event, lumapit ako kay lord i go to church as much as i can. I managed to paid some of my debts, to the point na nakapag save ako to buy a new phone although i am still paying my debt i am thankful kasi nakakapag tabi nako ulet kahit papaano na di katulad ng dati lahat napupunta lang sa bayarin. Nagsasave na din ako dahil in december we will be celebrating christmas and newyear out of the country. Malayo pako pero malayo na, andyan padin yung occasional breakdowns pero i can now shoved it off right after kasi im starting to feel my old self yung version ng self ko na masiyahin, healthy and all that is because i got help from my family, my partner and our savior Lord Jesus Christ.

I am sharing this story for everyone who are suffering with mental health problems to say na, kaya mo yan! Get help, talk to a professional, your family, friends and to God. Dying is not the way out, believe me i tried but it's not that easy. Think about the family you will left behind, if you kill youself ano sa tingin mo magiging reaksyon nila? Some of them will be sad ofcourse but what if hindi lang sila ma sad? What if ma fall din sila into depression and ending up to the same situation? So think! i know it's not that easy but you can be better, we! Can be better!

Thank you for reading this and i hope you are okay.