u/AaySP

I never really consider myself addicted to things but I know i probably am really, but im just slipping further and further making excuses to do more all the time just to avoid my other problems stemming through all my trauma, therapy doesn't come fast enough that I can afford so im just stuck starting to feel like its not worth it everything takes so much effort and I sound like a cliche which is arguably the absolute worst part of all this.

I keep talking myself into doing things I know are just plain idiotic, making excuses for my own ridiculous thought processes and delusions I hear. I feel like an imposter in my own head like im not ever being myself but because I have conciousness of that makes me thing the. I cant be acting like someone who isn't me so the thing thats making me feel like an imposter is just me wanted something, having a selfish desire for something like attention, but I dont think I do care about that though thats how it will be seen so if I know that then I must want that too.

I dont know im sure that easily got lost as I tried to explain it especially in my state now. But im wondering what I'll get out of this thing that ive pretty much set my mind to doing. I must want to do it for a reason though I think I'll get seen as some attention seeker rather than maybe I do need that help that ive been begging for

I am INTP-A and Im pretty tired of understanding my emotions so much more than feeling them to the point theyre not even emotions anymore. Im not that upset by it or anything I was just curious if I documented my thought processes as I do and try to understand myself emotionally could i? Would it give me any more depth to my understanding or others understanding?

Id expect that id be more understanding of others emotions but not anymore empathetic. Though there's a lot of variables and possibilities and not many if any other INTPs wpuld even be interested in this sort of analysing process but maybe if enough people are I'll try it. Sit myself infront of a camera and record myself talking through my thought processes and try to snake my way through them emotionally rather than picking them apart with logical understanding or both depending on how I end up doing it.

Figured the best way to try doing it was by talking to a camera and posting them as some kind of series for others to judge, could give me more perspectives and either push myself more emotional ways or more intellectual im not sure. It could give me some different understanding of others emotions but I am arrogant and do think the way I already understand other people emotions and still disregarding them is better.

Its not entirely about if its possible for someone whos INTP to become emotional as its more about me being curious if I can do it myself to understand it properly.

I've gone through my fair share of traumas in life and never processed any of it emotionally and this emotional distance to me feels like it could be a block to me getting better or a dam thats been stopping me from getting worse though I want to work through it. Im in no way licensed for psychology or counselling but ive done some therapy and hoping to go back to it again though perhaps this will be a help or I'll have an identity crisis.

Im unsure, please share your thoughts on it I doubt anyone is going to be caring to any feelings I can muster up on video but some analysing my thought processes and maybe jsut understanding on an INTP interpretation of emotions cpild be interesting enough that some people would like to see it?