What do I do next?
Brief backstory, I was a pt that move from one gym to another part of the country back to my hometown of Brighton as I had fallen back on hard times, prior to this before the move I was shown my future boss of the new gym by my current one and I had a feeling you couldn’t imagine about this woman, I knew something about her, almost as if we had been together in a former life.
So upon meeting my new boss in Brighton, the very same feelings, I kept this to me for many months, but in that time we had began to share life experience, pain and trauma, we grew fond of one another and 5 months later we went on our first date. It was a magical romance one I had not experienced before (6 years single prior to this), that connection was so raw, she moved me into her new home within 3 weeks, I stayed at hers while she went to visit family in Spain over Christmas a few weeks later, when she returned it was still so magical for a long time, she knew I came from a spiritual background (raised by a medium with gypsy blood) and I shared that initial feelings of I knew she would be with me, I had told my parents in the lead up to this for months that I knew I would be with her, the universe wouldn’t let me forget it.
I had been struggling with trauma for many years and used cannabis as an escape from society because I never felt enough (a realisation I didn’t know at the time) she new I had been smoking throughout our initial getting to know period something I had fallen back to after 2 and a half years clean just prior to moving back to Brighton and meeting her. I would smoke for the first moving in period and we agreed I would pack it in whilst she was on holiday, I tried so very hard but due to trauma attachment I failed to break free, the smoking sustained throughout our time together (totalling 2 and a half years) we had many vacations with her family in Spain over that time and every time I would stay clean and promise that it wouldn’t continue when back, I meant it every time but I had connected my hometown of Brighton to negativity and pain from my youth and I would always fall back.
I took a new gym management job a year in to our relationship and initially it was great but over time I came to loath it due to my colleague being a very hard time for me, I looked for a new job several months later and took the first that came up (which I now deeply regret) it turned into a further knightmare as this new facility was ten fold worse, run from the top with bad culture, I was now doing weekends and lates every other week, the separation didn’t help our situation on top of me and my struggles, loss of intimacy, she began to express unattractiveness to me due to the smoking and smell, which was totally justified.
2 years after us initially dating she had enough and we almost broke up, the candle had almost burnt out, I of course pleaded and promised this was it, we went on holiday to spend Christmas with her family a few weeks later, I was clean 3 weeks, I came back and tried so very hard for the next 5 months managed 50 days sober in total in that time, but I was down in the dumps with the job, past trauma and never feeling enough for anything be it socially, romantically and professionally.
We had another trip for my birthday with just her parents in southern Spain 3 months after Christmas one, I had changed her indeed for her and she managed to secure a new job on this holiday which was great for her because she wanted out of the gym she had been operating in Brighton. Over the next few weeks I was getting signs but because of when you are high you are not yourself it distorts everything, your total perception changes I did not grasp the gravity of what was about to unfold. We had been discussing a move back to Spain for her and a future one for me, marriage and used this holiday to search for possible locations and homes, this was all a shared future dream.
6 weeks after our break away for my birthday with her parents she broke down after a small disagreement, she said the candle had completely burned, a day later I threw it all out but she completely stopped talking to me, a day after this she messaged me in the morning after the cease in communication to say “I’m sorry I don’t feel the, I’m not ready to have the conversation right now but I need some space, can you stay somewhere else for now” me being in the totally wrong headspace I took it as it’s over completely, I messaged her mother, thanked them for everything and for bringing me into the family but broke the news of my trauma and subsequent “addiction”.
The message to her mother understandably made her furious as there is generational and cultural differences to us brits. The age gap also playing a massive factor (11yrs) me 29, her 40.
She messaged me that evening stating “it wasn’t supposed to go like this, I initially just wanted space, going to my parents about your problems really crossed a line for me, I’m sorry it has ended like this”
Messages back and forth over the next few days were extremely mixed, I asked if this is it? Is there ever a chance to reconcile? She replied “I can’t say yes or never and I think that’s pretty normal” further messages “no one can know the future, and that can only see with time. You need your time to recover and I need mine. A month is not enough even 6 months and we both know this so why we both going to be hanging into it when we both have to put energies elsewhere” 5 mins later another “I’m sorry if I left mixed messages, going to my parents really crossed a boundary and made me feel very uncomfortable, after all on Monday I could not believe all the promises and I don’t think I could ever go back” all of which is justified to me. “I’m happy to meet for coffee next week etc I just need we both need some space, there’s very good things coming for you” “I understand you want to change but I’ve already given these times and chances. I can’t stay hoping things will be different”
Of course I was in panic mode, listing out all the changes I had already made and will make, all the issues I identified. Wrong move. She was very supportive of me getting the help I needed and encouraged it greatly and wished it all well. I asked she believe in me one last time whilst I got clean from a distance and she said she did believe in me. I mentioned in this time that everything that had been our downfall was due to the cannabis and it was, the loss of intimacy, sex etc because I crawled into a whole since the new job.
I went no contact after moving out 2 days later, I did leave a very long note in frustration stating I needed greater help etc etc which now I very much regret as I had those chances many times throughout.
A few days past, she sent me a very long message basically stating this was it, concluding with if I needed closure that she was happy to meet but didn’t want to affect my recovery. I simply messaged back goodbye.
I was hurting from all the talk of marriage, moving and losing her family.
A day later I came across her in town, she saw me from the other side of the road, I immediately headed the other way. A few hours later she messaged my mother asking whether she was and I was okay, my mother and her went back and forth “He needs the time and energy to recover himself and sort out everything. And we all know these things don't get fixed in a month.
I got really upset with the blames as for me I have done and support him a lot, also telling my family he has an addiction. Why no one thinks about how much I hurt? How much he promised? I couldn't believe his promises anymore.
Is how I felt then and there and I thought it was the best for both.
I am not perfect but I am protecting my feelings.
Who knows maybe he gets fixed and one day we can carry on where we left.”
My mum was saying he only blames himself for this
She replied “it would be nice if everyone can see my side too”
My mum was in agreement with her and they ended exchanges amicably finally stating that “the we in agreement that this is his time”
Roll on a few days and I finally reached out I sent a voice note and stated this isn’t me begging or explaining what I was doing to better myself, I never thought I would do the things in the past week that I had, apologising for the repeated dealings of me and my issues but ultimately that this was an apology for putting any blame on you with my note 5 days prior and thank you for putting me here. She sent 3 voice notes back “hola, it’s so good to hear your voice” gradually getting emotional as the voice notes came through and crying, no I’m trying to hold back, these are happy tears.” The reason I did this… but stopped before actually saying why” “we both going to grow and keep doing our things” “I’m sorry it went this way, all the talk of marriage” it was much more but that’s summarised.
I sent one final one back saying “I was so very stuck, I couldn’t shake loose, that being said I still hope for the future, I will change, for the better and that it will be permanent, I just hope in the future we can sit down and discuss”
She didn’t send another voice note, just a text “Keep fighting to be your best for your self that's everything you need to focus on 🙏🏼
Thank you for messaging and apologising 🙏🏼”
I replied just with a heart and she did the same.
4 days rolls by and she texts me late on a Sunday night saying “Hola, I hope I don't bother you I just wanted to ask how you doing? 🙏🏼
Also see if you need to grab your stuff, I know you wanted the bike and the hanger and others... I have some paperwork and your suits from under the bed 🙏🏼”
I waited until the morning to reply and said “Buenos días, you wouldn’t believe how well I’m doing and that’s totally understandable, I took my empath at the time for granted because I never broke my cycle of destruction, I broke free, thank you for putting me here and saving my life. I realise now you started to detach a long time ago for protection.
I’m sorry I haven’t the time currently, I’m tending to my own garden.
I hope you’re doing well also, have a great day 🙏”
She replied ten minutes later saying
“Buenos días, that's so amazing to hear 🙏🏼
Super happy you can see it all and understand it and you smashing it!
Take care then and thank you, you too 🙏🏼”
I sent a heart back and she never replied which is understandable.
A few hours later she removed our images and stories together from her instagram, I did not react and reach out however hard.
It’s now been a total of 16 days since the message of “I’m sorry I don’t feel the same but I’m not ready to have the conversation yet, I need some space, can you stay somewhere else for now” and 4 since the removal from instagram, she is still watching my stories and viewing my posts.
I have remained sober through all of this and will continue (18 days now) I have always wanted this for me but never knew of how much weight I had been carrying from my past, I sought holistic healing and have had 3 sessions now, the first was very profound and enabled me to identify the trauma and begin to let go, the second even more profound and I found peace with it and now project nothing but positive energy, I will continue these as they give me such insight and a new sense and prospective of myself. I now can’t stand the smell and have great distain for it, I stopped smoking cigarettes too, I have broken out my shell and have begun to make friends again, I have joined 3 weekday run clubs (I ran many ultramarathons during our relationship all of which she would support me on) which she has viewed on insta, I have joined a rugby club and have begun training with them and socialising with the team elsewhere. I have signed up for bjj (she does also) and begin in a few days, I have got myself self care booked in every week like saunas and deep tissue massages, seeing family more like my nan in a care home, levelling up my career and have out my notice in with the current job (have joined a proper gym again as a pt and start in weeks), have also joined a proper athletics club in town that helps amateur and elite runners come up. With the plan of joining more groups elsewhere in the city in the coming weeks.
All of which I have always wanted for myself but because of the feeling of abandonment and not feeling enough for anything in life be it socially, professionally and romantically, all stemming from my dad at 5yr leaving my mum for her friend and raising her kids and never me and my sibling, my best friend took his life when I was 17 and I was with him the night before, my late teenage romance of 5yrs and best friends leaving me at 20yrs because I couldn’t quit drugs as I turned heavy after the grief I had from losing my best friend years prior. I got clean at 23, lost 27kg and gave everything to the Royal Marines dream between the ages of 23 and 26 both fell through on medical grounds (genetic defect from my biological father funnily enough) that was the point I fell back to cannabis six months prior to first meeting her.
I have now finally identified this and let go of the weight I was carrying because of the holistic therapy.
All I can do is continue to level up for me in every way, sustain this growth and change for good and hope of future reconciliation as I know deep down that all the future talks of marriage, moves and family was real as she isn’t that type of person.
I want this all for me above all else but of course I still don’t want to lose her forever, after the pregnancy she continued to grow but because of everything I was holding I failed too.
There is many more details such as we were pregnant 6 months in, which we lost in the first few weeks.
She has such a busy plate right now with opening a brand new facility which she goes into presale in the coming weeks, ending her current job in the same timeframe, she does bjj several times a week, and started a qualification months ago to become a health coach which she planned to as her job when we moved in a couple years. I understand that she just hadn’t the time to deal with me and my former issues and even currently.
But I am changing, and forever, how do I overcome hurdles to showcase this? You can’t force no one but the universe has told me this isn’t how it goes and that when things settle she will see and we can start a fresh book one with me being a complete partner in every way. I know deep down she feels that connection too, is the broken trust rebuildable? Of course but only if both parties are willing. I know she hasn’t the time to even take a new relationship on and That tools she would need to find another relationship would be the same tools we would need to mend ours.
We semi ran a pt over the years and her meta is all linked with my pt accounts and overseas them as such which hasn’t been discussed, she also leaving my mother on her insta which has my beautiful mother in law etc written on it. I know I shouldn’t over analyse
Ask questions, give advice, I’m all ears