u/AbiesMain

This is based on observations of my ex-partner, and not all individuals with an FA behave this way.

https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/comments/1tdwpmh/11_weeks_after_fa_break_upmy_experience_and_my/ I recommend reading this post first.

They call themselves a "people pleaser."

1. When I give them a choice, they always reply with one of three options: "If you want," "I don't mind," or "I don't care."

2. They have a hard time expressing their emotions.

3. They share all their relationship details with their friends, but I have never once had them share their inner thoughts with me.

4. When I opened up about going through a hard time with family issues, they talked about their own experiences instead of showing empathy.

5. They express empathy over text, but when we meet in person, they keep the conversation extremely information-focused.

6. They never drink alcohol during meals, but only drink at clubs.

7. They prefer big cities.

8. They never initiate dates. It leaves me confused as to whether they are just not interested in me or if they are trying to be considerate.

9. They cry sometimes, but they don't know why they are crying and have difficulty explaining the reason.

10. They explain that they ran away from their recent past relationships because they were exploitative and toxic.

11. They say they have a high sexual desire, but they never experience orgasms during intercourse. They don't know the reason for this themselves.

12. They absolutely hate being called by nickname.

13. They doubt and cannot understand why their friends choose to be friends with them.

14. When conversations about the future arise (especially regarding marriage or having children), they attempt to change the subject by stating they don't know their future plans.

15. When asked what they want, they struggle significantly to answer and usually just reply that they don't know.

16. They are afraid of receiving gifts. While they express gratitude when they receive one, they speak in a way that implies there was no need to give them anything.

17. They often put themselves down, saying they don't like anything about themselves.

This is based on observations of my ex-partner, and not all individuals with an FA behave this way.

https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/comments/1tdwpmh/11_weeks_after_fa_break_upmy_experience_and_my/ I recommend reading this post first.

1. They call themselves a "people pleaser."

2. When I give them a choice, they always reply with one of three options: "If you want," "I don't mind," or "I don't care."

3. They have a hard time expressing their emotions.

4. They share all their relationship details with their friends, but I have never once had them share their inner thoughts with me.

5. When I opened up about going through a hard time with family issues, they talked about their own experiences instead of showing empathy.

6. They express empathy over text, but when we meet in person, they keep the conversation extremely information-focused.

7. They never drink alcohol during meals, but only drink at clubs.

8. They prefer big cities.

9. They never initiate dates. It leaves me confused as to whether they are just not interested in me or if they are trying to be considerate.

10. They cry sometimes, but they don't know why they are crying and have difficulty explaining the reason.

11. They explain that they ran away from their recent past relationships because they were exploitative and toxic.

12. They say they have a high sexual desire, but they never experience orgasms during intercourse. They don't know the reason for this themselves.

13. They absolutely hate being called by nickname.

14. They doubt and cannot understand why their friends choose to be friends with them.

15. When conversations about the future arise (especially regarding marriage or having children), they attempt to change the subject by stating they don't know their future plans.

16. When asked what they want, they struggle significantly to answer and usually just reply that they don't know.

17. They are afraid of receiving gifts. While they express gratitude when they receive one, they speak in a way that implies there was no need to give them anything.

18. They often put themselves down, saying they don't like anything about themselves.

About 50 days ago, I was dumped by a woman(FA, i think) that I've been dating for about two months by relationship.

Our relationship was generally great. We had a mutual crush, so when I confessed my feelings, she gladly accepted. She told me she wanted to take things slow, and I happily agreed because I wanted to get to know her slowly, too. However, after a couple of dates, we ended up kissing while she was heavily got drunk, and I mistakenly thought that was her standard for taking it "slow."

From then on, we went on dates at least once a week, and I began to deeply trust her. There were no problems; I simply thought she was introverted, so I tried very hard to lead and keep the mood light. She praised me for being the perfect boyfriend and told me how handsome I was, which made me completely let my guard down and pour my heart into the relationship.

A few days before the breakup, I sent her a somewhat emotional message saying our relationship felt one-sided because she never initiated dates or expressed what she wanted. I had a gut feeling something was wrong afterward, so I called to apologize. At the time, I was going through some tough family issues.

The next day, we met up, and I brought it up again, saying I would try harder and asking for her thoughts. She struggled to speak and said she didn't know.

Knowing she has a hard time articulating her feelings, I thanked her for trying and we continued our date normally. We hugged, kissed, told each other how much we liked one another, and headed home. We texted normally until the day before the breakup, so I thought the issue was resolved. But on the day she was supposed to visit my place, she asked to meet somewhere else first. I immediately sensed things were going south and started bracing myself for the worst, imagining everything from cheating to an unwanted pregnancy or a breakup.

She cried and apologized for breaking up with me, especially knowing I was already going through a hard time. She said she wasn't developing romantic feelings and told me I could hate her or block her on social media. In that moment, I felt like I had been hit by a car going 130 km/h. I was so confused and agonized by this sudden, betrayal-like declaration.

How could I be cruel to someone I cared about so much? I wiped her tears and told her I would cherish our good memories, but my nervous system was completely wrecked. I eventually broke down, begging and pleading, but realizing her mind was firmly made up, I walked her to her friend's house before heading home. On the way there, she lashed out, saying, "I don't understand why you even like me." I had seen her self-deprecate during our relationship, so hearing that hurt me even more than the breakup itself.

When I got home, I was consumed by confusion, chaos, and anger. I drank heavily with a friend and texted her, asking if she had been testing me and why she chose to discuss our problems with her friends and decide on her own instead of talking to me. Surprisingly, she replied. She told me I was being overly emotional and misunderstanding the situation, explaining she ended it because continuing would only hurt us both. She admitted she knew she had a problem receiving love and said she might need to see a psychiatrist someday.

I still couldn't understand, but since there was nothing I could do, I thanked her for telling me in person and ended the conversation. For the next two weeks, I completely lost my appetite and ability to sleep. My head pounded every day from depression, anger, and unresolved questions. I slept a total of 10 hours over those two weeks and lost 5kg. My friends were baffled, wondering why I was struggling so much over a two-month relationship.

Since we shared the same friend group, I inevitably had to keep seeing her. I approached her to apologize for annoying her with my texts, crying as I admitted I realized too late that I had pressured her and pushed her away. We both teared up, telling each other that we had been perfect partners.

In the third week after the breakup, I saw her at a club having fun with another guy. It wasn't just dancing; there was a lot of heavy physical touch involved. I was deeply saddened but tried my best to ignore it.

A few days later, while drunk at a gathering with friends, I interrogated her about it and cursed at her, calling her an "avoidant" and saying she would never find love. I quickly realized my emotions were spiraling out of control and that staying there would only cause more pain for both of us, so I left early. She looked incredibly angry.

On my way home, I was so shocked by my own cruelty and consumed by guilt over hurting her that I attempted suicide. If a passerby hadn't stopped me, I might not be here writing this today😅. After that incident, I quit drinking and started going to therapy. I dived deep into attachment theory and was surprised to learn how many people go through similar experiences. I've been through breakups before, but nothing had ever hit me this hard.

I also realized that she carries her own pain. I can't go into detail, but the family background and relationship history she shared with me didn't sound happy. A few weeks ago, I wanted to embrace her flaws, but I don't feel that way anymore. When we cross paths now, she looks at me with a hint of disdain, but it doesn't bother me. I triggered her trauma, so I believe I deserve that reaction.

I cannot fix her wounds or her trauma; that is a battle she has to face on her own, and I sincerely wish her the best. I don't know how hard she tried, but I appreciate the effort she put into loving me while we were together, and I forgive her for the breakup. People with avoidant attachment styles are often painted as villains, but I believe they are just human beings like the rest of us.

Her actions and trauma wounded me deeply, but it is what it is. I am currently healing and moving forward. I don't plan on dating for at least the rest of this year because I refuse to pass my unhealed wounds onto someone else.

Strangely enough, this breakup taught me a lot, and therapy is making me a healthier person, which might be one of the few silver linings of an avoidant discard. The irony is that the person who said needed therapy hasn't gone, yet here I am getting counseling.

It seems she has already found someone else. I was jealous at first, but my mind is at peace now, knowing we simply took away different lessons from this experience. I am rooting for her, and I am rooting for myself. And to everyone reading this, I wish you nothing but happiness.