u/AbleAd6004

ive been diagnosed with severe depression, since i was 12 years old. it was about a year into my addiction to self-harm when my parents found out and took me to a psychiatrist. i’ve been severely bullied since i was 9, it went on for years, and it was relentless.

i’m 19 now, almost 20 actually. ive been trying hard to heal. imagine the pain i felt when i went to the clinic again to see where my mind is at, just to hear that i still have severe depression. my heart practically stopped beating for a moment, knowing that i can no longer afford therapy or medication.

you would think after all this effort it would get better, but there are so many times where i feel like it would just be so much easier to leave this world. i try to hold onto these tiny strings of hope, i try to imagine the life i would miss out if i made the mistake of leaving too soon. it works. it keeps me alive a little longer, just enough until i feel everything creeping in again.

every time i wanted to leave, i would force myself to write personalise goodbye letters to the people i care about and it breaks my heart each time to think about not being to spend another moment with them.

i’d like to pretend that my life is going okay. that i’m getting somewhere, slowly but surely. i tried to break my havit of selfharm but just when i think ive done it, i find out that i’ve been inflicting pain on myself in some other way.

ive been invited to the mother’s day + her belated birthday dinner with the rest of the family and i cant think of anything good in a reasonable price 😭🥹

i could you not, that woman has everything!

she makes her own perfumes, so thats ruled out. she has a bunch of candles, some i bought for her that she hasn’t burned through yet. she has plenty on fancy plates, glasses, and kitchenware.

her husband makes her cheese, pickles, jams whenever she wants. they have a massive garden and all those ingredients are literally grown and handpicked themselves.

in the past years, shes already been given so much clothes, scarves, slippers, pajamas, bathrobes included, so i wanted to be a little unique, but also she does have an expensive taste and i don’t have the budget for them 😭

my boyfriend’s brother would make her custom woodworks, and his sister would usually have a mother-daughter day out for this occasion.

i’m not that rich because i’m still studying and working part-time, the best i can splurge here is like $100-$150 but i have nothing in my head.

i’ve thought about maybe making something handmade but i’m literally caught up between so many exams, i don’t have the time to put in good effort.

the pressure is soooo high because its two events combined into one 😅