u/Able_Firefighter_894

Hey, I really need some honest outside perspective because I feel very confused, hurt, and honestly exhausted right now.

So I’ve been in a relationship for around 3 years. I call my boyfriend “buddy.” Recently, I did something that started all of this — I pulled a prank on him.

He uses Reddit a lot, and he had always told me that Reddit isn’t a good place and I should stay away from it. I respected that and stayed away, but I had also asked him multiple times to stop using it too, for peace of mind. He didn’t.

So I decided to prank him. I texted him pretending to be a random girl who needed help with PC/Linux stuff. From the very beginning, I clearly told him I’m a girl, and I even asked him if he’s a boy — he said yes. After that, the conversations were completely normal and focused only on tech. Long paragraphs, detailed help — nothing flirty or weird.

Later, I started giving hints that it’s me, and he actually recognized me from my typing style and said, “buddy, it’s you.” I admitted it was a prank.

Then I asked him — why didn’t you tell me you were talking to a girl?

He said: “Do I need to tell you every time I talk to a girl? Do I need to send screenshots?”

I said no, I don’t want details or control, I just want basic transparency — like “hey I’m helping someone online.” Because I do that. Whenever I talk to someone online (especially boys), I always tell him. Not full details, just basic mention. I feel like that builds trust.

Then things got worse.

He said if we’re talking about transparency, we should talk about a few other people too.

One of them really bothered me. He told me that he met a girl on a “dark side of the internet” while doing some kind of prank with his best friend. That girl had a messed-up family situation and was depressed. Around that time, he was also not doing well (his results weren’t good), so they started talking.

Now they’ve been talking for 4–5 months. They have each other’s WhatsApp numbers. They talk about tech, life, and personal problems. He even sent her a voice note about how he was feeling.

That honestly broke me. Not because he talked to a girl — but because he never told me, and it became something emotional and personal.

I told him clearly: this is a boundary crossed. Even if it was hard, you should have told me. That’s betrayal for me.

At the same time, I also reflected on myself. I told him maybe I haven’t created a safe space where he feels comfortable sharing his emotions, and I want to work on that.

Then he opened up about something else.

He said that the person I fell in love with (in 10th grade) wasn’t really him — it was because of his tuition teacher and his mom. He used to score really high (97%), and I had 93%, and honestly, that was one of the reasons I noticed him and felt attracted.

Now he got 76% in 12th boards. He says he feels like he has no capability, that he’s pathetic, and he keeps self-sabotaging. He admits he knows what to do, but he just doesn’t take action.

I even tried helping him — suggested a self-help book, tried motivating him — but he didn’t follow through.

Then the same night, around 1:30 AM, I pushed him to study with me on a video call. Bc ik that actions will make him get out of this self sabotage...Even though my usual bedtime is 10 PM, I stayed up for him. We studied (or I thought we did). Afterward, I asked him how he felt.

Then he said: “For that one hour, while you were studying, I was actually watching YouTube vlogs and just pretending to write.”

That completely shattered me.

Now I feel:

Betrayed (about the other girl and hiding things)

Lied to (about studying)

Emotionally drained (because I keep trying to help and support him)

And honestly… stuck

The worst part is — I feel like I can’t even fully express anger, because if I do, he might stop sharing things with me completely, and then things will get even worse.

I feel like I’m the one trying to be mature, communicate, fix things — while he keeps avoiding, lying, or escaping.

I don’t want to leave him immediately. I want to fix this if possible. I want to help him get out of this phase. But I also don’t want to lose myself in the process.

I’ve tried pushing him — it doesn’t work. I’ve tried being understanding — he still doesn’t take action. I’ve tried giving support — he still lies or avoids.

So my questions are:

Am I expecting too much in terms of transparency?

Is this emotional cheating or just poor boundaries?

Am I becoming more like a “parent/manager” than a partner?

Should I stop trying to fix him?

And most importantly — how do I handle this without destroying myself?

I genuinely want honest opinions, even if they’re harsh.