u/Absolless

I thought I was a lesbian for a while and was pretty open about it in school. People were chill about it.

Now as a closeted trans guy, I feel so alienated from my cis gay guy friends. I will never be able to love men like they do without being seen as a straight girl, and no man will love me like men will love gay my friends.

I hope this doesn't sound like I'm hating on straight women. Obviously there's nothing wrong with being who you are and loving who you love. I have just been so scared of being considered "straight" in the past that I literally convinced myself I was a lesbian because I KNEW I was gay, but didn't realize I was a gay *guy.* So anyone even thinking that I'm a "straight girl" really makes me want to get swallowed into the ground.

And because people have thought I've liked girls for so long, if I mention liking guys they're going to say "Aren't you a lesbian?" or "Oh, you're straight/bi now." I'M NOT. I'M GAY. But if I say that, then: "Yeah, so shouldn't you like girls?"

And I can't come out at school OR home. Only to a few friends outside of school.

:/

I don't know. I'm three days into high school and I already want to fucking off myself again, after trying so hard to not have suicidal ideations this summer. I'm so glad that I'm too afraid of pain to actually do anything.

I've written a 2,500+ list just now in barely half an hour about all the reasons that I don't think/know I'm not a cis girl (btw I don't want to post that).

I've already posted on this sub venting about my experience with questioning with my gender. The few who commented were really helpful.

However, I am quite miffed that the people who commented (no hate to them) didn't say outright "yeah, you're trans" like I have seen people comment on posts of other people questioning their gender. I'm talking about posts where people are messily typing and freaking out and basically saying all the stereotypically "trans things". And then people in their comments say, "you're definitely trans."

I know this sounds really narcissistic, but I feel really upset that no one has said "you're definitely trans" to me. I feel like I can't actually know I'm trans or be trans without someone straight up telling me I am. Like, I'm going to be stuck in a cycle of overthinking and self-doubt until someone forcibly pulls me out of it (a cycle that has lasted for almost one exhausting year).

I put infinitely high standards of validity (if that makes sense?) over myself than other trans people. If a person asked, for example, if not having "enough" dysphoria meant they weren't trans, I would reassure them that they are valid no matter what. And yet, when I feel like I don't have enough dysphoria to be trans, I just think that I'm not trans.

I could go on and on forever but I just wrote so much about this and I'm tired.

Can someone please, please, just say that I really am trans?

Thanks. <3

NSFW for mention of eating disorders, body image issues, social dysphoria, body dysphoria, mental dysphoria, all the dysphoria.

For context: I am an AFAB teen living with a very conservative MAGA family :(. I have always had basically unrestricted internet access, but the only social media apps I use are Reddit, Pinterest, and YouTube.

I dont know why, but I have always had the feeling that there is something "other" about me. COVID happened when I was young and I feel like my social capabilities are stunted in some way because of it. I have looked up autism/adhd/OCD symptoms quite often up until last October. I do not make friends easily, and when I spend time with my current friends (especially fellow AFABs), it feels very uncomfortable or like they are pretending to like me.

I have also struggled with body issues since 5th grade. I went to a dietician for an eating disorder (anorexia, I don't think I was officially diagnosed?) and a one-time therapist that actually dropped me because they were new and my case was "too complex" or something like that; I don't remember the details exactly. Over time my body image has gotten a lot better and I eat pretty normally (maybe a bit too much lol).

Last October, my "egg cracked". I dont remember what exactly had caused it. I know that a few months before this, i had started really getting into MLM fanfics. I had always thought of myself as a lesbian beforehand, but then suddenly after reading these fics, I felt this gnawing yearning to be just like them, to be in my own MLM relationship, even though I was a "girl."

I also know that I had previously had thoughts of being a boy (I had a biiiiig tomboy phase in 4th grade), but this time it was like, "oh shit, this is real". I cried for two hours and watched transmasc tiktok compilations/videos (Jammiedodger I love you) to try to feel better or "safe", which only made me cry more. I felt this enormous ache in my chest, like a fishing hook had lodged in my heart and was trying to pull me through the floor. (This is how my "dysphoria" feels)

Since then, my life has been an endless cycle of questioning. I will be perfectly fine in the morning, feeling like "myself" (whoever that is), then look in the mirror and feel some sort of way. Then I will talk to someone in my house and realize that they see me as a girl, and only as a girl, and then I spiral. This leads tp me scrolling Pinterest for transmasculine content, which leads to me thinking I am faking it or am a "trans trender", which leads to me searching this subreddit for answers to my crisis, which leads to me crying in my room about how I'll never be a real boy/I'm just a stupid, ugly girl doomed to live out an unfulfilling life.

When I go out in public, I am hyper aware of the fact that everybody sees me as a girl---an objectively unattractive girl.

At school, I feel like an imposter. I think that because I am ugly, some people think I am a trans girl, because the people in my school are transphobes and think that ugly = trans (For a blue state, there are a surprising amount of MAGA kids). When anyone refers to me in a feminine way (she/her, girl, by my very feminine and disgusting name), I feel like everyone else is in on some sort of joke. I feel like everyone but me knows that I am actually a boy (hence feeling like I am thought of as a trans girl during school -- see the PS), and that by using feminine pronouns, etc., they are mocking me. I know this is incredibly irrational, but I can't help think it.

I have vaguely looked into medical transitioning for transmascs, and things like having a deeper voice/more muscle/body fat redistribution are very appealing. I definitely would want to get my breasts removed, transmasc or not. As for social transition, simply the thought of being perceived as not a girl would be so incredibly refreshing. It would be like diving into a freshwater spring after days of trudging through a desert.

I think the thing that really sets me in questioning spirals is how my social dysphoria sets off my physical dysphoria. I dont think that I am too unattractive or feel too badly about my body (other than a vague wish to not have breasts) until I see other people. Then I suddenly become hyper aware of how disgusting and ugly I like, and at the same time, how much people see me as a girl. And then I want to strip away my flesh until I finally look like a boy, like carving marble.

The final straw that led me to write all of this was going to the mall with my mom earlier today. I was already dreading it because I hate malls---i have a lot of social anxiety around being judged for my appearance, and large crowds really set that off---and it was very hot today, almost 110 F, which meant that I had to dress in just a shirt and shorts. I hate dressing in short clothing, so I was already anxious about that. And then I realized that I hadn't shaved my legs in a while, which made me worry that groups of teenage girls shopping together would stare and mock me behind my back or something (I'm very worried I am so ugly that I stand out). My mom and I bought some LEGO sets, and the cashier made small talk about who was building which set, and of course my mom referred to me as "she" to the cashier. This set off my worry that the cashier would see through my "ruse" of being a girl and judge me. Then for some stupid reason, my mom went to a girls clothing store to make me look for clothes despite me never asking to???? We were only in there for a whopping 30 seconds before I said, "mom, I'm uncomfortable, and I dont need new clothes, can we leave???" And she still went deeper into the store!! She was talking really loudly and.there were some very pretty teen girls in there that were looking at me and I was really self conscious about it (once again, worried that they were judging me and saw through my ruse of being a girl). We didn't but anything and left the mall soon after. I fought tears on the way home about the whole thing, went to my room, cried, and started writing this.

One reason that I am so unsure and ungrounded in my identity is that I dont think I know what dysphoria really is---I say I experience it, but I don't think I really do. People online sometimes describe it as a feeling of constant ache, but I don't feel any sort of way about my gender until I notice it. Like, if I was put in a blank room for a week with no outside contact and no social media, assuming that I dont go insane, I don't think that I would get any dysphoria??? I dont know. When I go outside/see other people, the feeling of "dysphoria" goes off like a bullet to the heart. I dont know if I am really experiencing gender dysphoria or just self consciousness/body DYSMORPHIA instead.

Also, I have imagined myself living as a man and growing old as a man. It seems just as unfullfill8ng as living as a woman in certain aspects, but just being perceived as a man seems much better than a woman.

Also also, I do not think I am genderfluid. I would hate switching back from the refreshing male life to female presentation. And as for being NB/gender neutral.... I dont know. I have considered it, but it doesn't feel quite right. At most I would be a trans demiboy.

I know this is really long and jumbled and hard to follow. Sorry. This is the first time I have ever fully revealed my feelings to someone other than my one trans friend, and I gave him a very surface-level explanation to my feelings.

I just want to add that if I really am not faking it/something other than trans and am actually transgender, I have very little options for transition. As I said, my family is all conservative MAGA supporters. My safest relative might be my stepbrother, because he is a good person and doesn't seem as far-right as the rest (I think he just tries to appease his dad, my step-dad, who is the center of the conservatism in my house). Even then, if I came out to him and he took it well, I don't know if he would tell my step-dad or not. So using any different pronouns around the house would not end well.

I am planning to get a short haircut soon (my hair is very long). Even if I am not actually trans, I don't think I would mind the short hair.

My parents won't let me get a binder, obviously, and my friends probably can't buy one for me.

And like I said, there are a lot of MAGA kids in my school, and a lot of generally mean people, so changing pronouns there would not work out for fear of me getting bullied/harassed. Also i am only "out" to one of my friends (which i might have to retract if I end up actually being a cis girl...)

Once again, really sorry for all the jumble here. I have read the Null Hypothesis and the Gender Bible articles (which was incredibly frustrating because the author was a woman and did not write about many transmasv experiences, which of course she didn't, but transmadcs get little online representation). If anything, those made me question myself even more and answer very little. This is really my only option.

So, please, help me out: Am I a cisgender girl faking it, a trans boy, or something else? Do I actually have a mental issue that makes it seem like I am trans?? Any input would really be appreciated, from the bottom of my heart.

PS!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to note that I did not at ALL mean to offend transfems by relating myself to trans women. You guys are all obviously girls/women/whatever you beautiful people are. I only meant to highlight the terrible fact that transphobes/conervatives/MAGAs often do not see trans women as the women they are (or any trans person for who they are), and thus see them as just "boys/men in dresses" or depict them as ugly (like the shitty soyjak drawings).

Therefore, because I am objectively ugly (don't fight me on this please, I don't want validation, I want answers), the MAGA kids in my school think I am a trans girl because they equate trans to ugly. I hope that makes sense..... I really am sorry if anyone was offended by this. I dont know any better way to describe how I feel at school.