u/Academic_Dot_9240

Hello,

I’ve posted here many times before, so I’ll try to keep it short. I found my avoidant ex’s journal a little more than a year ago. She had written very hurtful things that threw me into a series of panic attacks and anxiety attacks, I even got PTSD symptoms from the betrayal and had nightmares for months when I slept next to her. I was also discarded 2 times and endured being held a secret from her friends for a long time.

Recently, I found another entry in her journal.

”I couldn’t believe that I was actually going to stay with S, so I kept my eyes open for other guys during our relationship, I ??? ??? ???, I wanted one foot in and one foot out, and he saw it in my notes but I denied it because it was too much for me to confront, it was too painful to face that I was being immoral toward S. I’m afraid of missing opportunities when I feel trapped. When I have security, I start worrying about what it’s preventing me from. I was afraid of wasting the time when I look my best on the same guy when I knew I didn’t want a future with him. I’m afraid of missing out on more youthful freedom than I already have. I don’t fully know what I’ve missed out on, which is why I don’t want to lock myself into anything. I feel like my time is limited, like I’m in a hurry. Because I haven’t partied like…”

Following the discovery of the notes, I said this calmly:

”For 1.5 years, I’ve tried saving this relationship. Last year, I found your notes and confronted you about it, and you never held yourself accountable. Now, I just had it all confirmed to me. One foot in, one foot out. This was the last time we ever saw each other.”

I then closed the door behind me and blocked her, again. She had recently circumnavigated my block by hooking me with a breadcrumb (her rain jacket), and I met with her, but I found notes, again.

I didn’t confront her about the notes this time, because we weren’t even together, in a break-up/ casual stage, I guess, like many times before. I also knew she’d deny and that I’d be DARVO’d and made out the abuser for going through her things. I just quoted her notes and said my piece. This morning, a newly created instagram account with 0 posts, 0 followers and 0 friends tried following me, and it was then deleted within half an hour.

I’ve had a hard time processing this. But is this just how avoidants work? They act like they love you, but deep down they don’t? Or what? They love you but lie to themselves that they don’t? And then there’s this notion of avoidants discarding the ones they love the most? There is a clear contradiction between her notes and her behaviours towards me. It is all so very confusing. She was very loving at certain points, and then I’d find notes hightlighting the exact opposite. She’d be very warm and cordial, and then distant and cold in break-ups and discards. It will always confuse you. That’s why I said my short piece, without anger in my voice, and just disappeared. I’m so done.

Anyone wanna add something to this? Offer me a different perspective?

EDIT: Please bump this, because I believe many people here are being strung along like I have been for 1.5 years. People need to wake up and see that they might just be getting manipulated. So please upvote, I couldn’t give a fuck about karma, I just don’t want anyone going through what I went through.

I’ve posted here many times before about this relationship, I hope this’ll be my last. I need to move on.

I don’t know where to start. So I’ll try to keep it short. Essentially, I’ve had this on-and-off relationship with a girl for 1.5 years. She broke up with me 2 times (discards) and then came back. It kept going like this for some time. I found her notes last year in march, she admitted to not loving me like I loved her, and that she had back-up guys. I confronted her about it and she essentially denied it but very intellectually, of course I fell for it. Should’ve just broken it off right there. I found more notes a couple of months later, and she was admitting to fantasies of cheating, etc.

We recently broke it off again, after I had ”cheated” by kissing another girl (we weren’t together), and yesterday we met to exhange things. We ended up sleeping together and having sex, and the next morning (today), I found notes again. Everything I had feared the last year just came true. I wasted a year on a manipulative, avoidant piece of shit.
This is what she wrote in her notes:

”Toxic things about me

I eat too many sweets and have a hard time stopping.

I want what I can’t have; I’m rarely satisfied.

I couldn’t believe that I would stay with S, so I kept my eyes open for other guys during our relationship. I ??? ??? ???, I wanted one foot in and one foot outside of it, and he saw that in my notes, but I denied it because it was too much for me to confront — it was too hard to face that I was being immoral toward S. I’m afraid of missing opportunities when I feel trapped. When I am secure with him, I get anxious about what it might be preventing me from. I was afraid of wasting the time when I look my best on just one guy, when I knew I didn’t want a future with him. I’m afraid of missing out on more youthful freedom than I already have. I don’t fully know what I’ve missed out on, which is why I don’t want to lock myself into anything. I feel like I have limited time, that I’m in a hurry. Because I haven’t partied like… ?”

Wow, just wow. I was completely gaslit and manipulated for more than a year. Never again. Can’t even be mad at her anymore, I’ve found so many of these notes, should’ve just believed her the first time. I was too naive and too eager to prove my love to her.

This is not an AI post, I just used AI to translate because her notes were in another language.

There are tons of healthier people. Feel free to ask questions. I’m just confounded.

Recently, I made this post.

I had blocked her everywhere, except for on TikTok on my main account. Just kinda missed that one. She had me blocked there so I kind of neglected it.

She sent me two texts on TikTok:

2 days ago:
”Hi, have you made it to Prague yet?”

Yesterday:
”The reason I wrote was that I tried to contact you by text because I needed my rain jacket, but then I realized that you had blocked my number.”

This is the very first breadcrumb I’ve received through a platform that isn’t Spotify. Is this shit really about a jacket or is this the avoidant equivalent of ”please see me, I miss you”?? Quite repulsive

I know there’s this notion of you deactivating equating to you feeling overwhelmed, pressured or emotionally heavy, but do you really deactivate and withdraw yourself from someone you care about?

I’m aware of the underlying mechanisms that explain thar behaviour, but still, it’s hard to believe she did care, even with that knowledge.

1.5 years.

That’s how long I’ve tried fixing this relationship I’ve vad with her. 1.5 years. I let her walk all over me for so long. For so fucking long. I endured multiple trust breaches, I endured betrayals (not ”cheating” per se) and I endured months of avoidance, blame-shifting and every possible other thing you could think of.

I won’t deny my part in it. I’m a former anxious attacher, but lately my self-respect has been growing, a lot. I endured 2-3 discards, waited for her come back. She always did, within 1-3 weeks. She always tested the waters by using Spotify as a breadcrumbing channel, I always fell for it. Adding songs back to the playlists; communicating through song titles. I blocked her Spotify too.

I removed her friends as followers. I removed her friend on Snapchat so she can’t see my location and I can’t see her’s. I blocked my ex’s number, I blocked her on Spotify, I blocked her on Facebook. Everywhere. I’m done, I did it. I’m fucking done.

What an EXHAUSTING 1.5 fucking years! Wasted all my fucking time on someone who couldn’t do SHIT for me and kept showing it! Someone who neglected me for so long! Who hid things from me for so long! Who broke my heart so many times I couldn’t even be sad when she broke up, I just isolated myself from everything and everyone for days at a time and just writhed in anxiety in my bed. Screen time up to 15 hours a day.

I can’t believe I let myself do this before. I can blame her all I want, her magical gaslighting powers, and to some extent it’s true, she was very good at reeling me in, but goddamn, I can’t deny my own part in it. I can’t deny I let it happen to myself. I won’t punish myself for it though, I didn’t know any better and I didn’t know how to act. I’m just glad I’m fucking done.

Never gonna waste another second on that lying, secretive, avoidant piece of fucking shit. I tried so long with her, never again. Never.

I always hoped she would come back before. In every discard. This time I fucking hope she doesn’t, and I’m glad she NEVER will.

So I (19M) and my ex (19F) have a 1.5 year history together. It has been a fucking emotional rollercoaster throughout the entire thing. She’s hurt me a lot in the past, avoided accountability and avoided holding herself responsible for how she hurt me. She often avoids serious talks or deeper talks and reparations.

She’s broken my trust several times and betrayed me and it continued even after I confronted her about it (she didn’t cheat but it was adjacent to cheating). She’s also discarded me several times, sent me to therapy instead of holding herself accountable and breaks up with me and then comes back.

The last two times we were together, I felt like a secret. She didn’t tell her friends for months that we were seeing each other. She changed her passcode, and didn’t even want to follow me on socials. Since we weren’t together I decided to make myself a free man and make out with someone at a party - she found out and we haven’t seen each other for about 1.5 months now. She stopped texting me for about 3 weeks at one point, but started breadcrumbing me on Spotify and I sent her a text telling her I was moving the conversation off of the Spotify platform and to messages.

I asked her for a low-pressure meet yesterdsy, and we ended up texting til about 4 in the morning. I apologized a thousand times for kissing this other girl, even though her and I weren’t together. Feels really fucking lame doing that. Anyway, I told her I wouldn’t be able to meet next week cuz I’m going to Prague, and that didn’t seem to be of interest to her.

Instead, she goes to another city in our country with her friend, and they upload two TikToks to this friend’s account. Her friend’s account had been private for maybe 2-3 months, and it just happened to go public now? ”Love at first sight ❤️” and my ex jumping into her arms. Okay. Fine. I didn’t react but I did get a lot of anxiety. Seemed like a bait to get me to react.

I’ve tried talking to her multiple times, had the same conversation millions of times - and still, nothing.

Do I just ghost? People keep saying it’s immature but no one seems able to look at it through a different lens.