u/Acceptable-Frame-707

I learned a long time ago that the best way to deal with a manipulative narcissist is to grey rock or disengage.

I still believe that’s true, however I’ve found when I’ve grey rocked a manipulator in a group setting it leads to the group seeing me as lower status because I’m allowing slights and insults to pass uncommented upon. I’ll usually brush things off or just act confused by an overt slight rather than sinking to their level, but it seems like even that lets them off the hook.

Then sooner or later, the group (whether that’s friends or coworkers) slowly starts to treat me with less respect - following the narcs lead.

How do you counter this?

I’ve been deep in a ruminating phase about my abusive ex. Still trying to break the trauma bond despite knowing the man I fell for wasn’t real and it would only get worse if I went back.

Oddly, I’ve found reading poetry to be comforting. I revisited Sylvia Plath and read a poem from her (seemingly abusive) ex-husband Ted Hughs. And it really seems to capture the mindset of someone like that and why they can never and will never change.

Hawk Roosting
Ted Hughs

I sit in the top of the wood, my eyes closed.
Inaction, no falsifying dream
Between my hooked head and hooked feet:
Or in sleep rehearse perfect kills and eat.

The convenience of the high trees!
The air's buoyancy and the sun's ray
Are of advantage to me;
And the earth's face upward for my inspection.

My feet are locked upon the rough bark.
It took the whole of Creation
To produce my foot, my each feather:
Now I hold Creation in my foot

Or fly up, and revolve it all slowly -
I kill where I please because it is all mine.
There is no sophistry in my body:
My manners are tearing off heads -

The allotment of death.
For the one path of my flight is direct
Through the bones of the living.
No arguments assert my right:

The sun is behind me.
Nothing has changed since I began.
My eye has permitted no change.
I am going to keep things like this.

It really almost took my breath away how much it reminded me of my ex. He was the way he was because it was advantageous to him, he was getting what he wanted out of it and didn’t want things to change. He even told me once early, during the love bombing, that he would never change. Once the cruelty started I still believed there was no way he could intend to hurt me and if I only explained it he wouldn’t do it again. But to him “no arguments assert my right” he didn’t respect me explaining myself. It made me weak in his eyes. The only thing that worked was leaving.

But it still hurts.