ashamed of how i acted while in crisis
hi everyone. this post is slightly long, but i would really appreciate some feedback perhaps from people who have gone through something similar, and how they made it out the other side. thank you.
a couple years ago i went through something traumatic that triggered my OCD really, really badly. it was the first time i dealt with feelings that strong. my OCD theme was moral scrupulosity due to the traumatic event being rooted in someone harassing me and calling me a liar after i spoke up about an abusive relationship i was in. from that point on, every little “mistake” i made triggered me so badly, and i would compulsively apologize, even if the other person said it was fine and they didn’t mind.
i would get triggered time and time again by different things, and i always had to make sure that my apology/explanation was 100% “correct.” it got to the point that i gave myself stress-induced psychosis; i was terrified and practically convinced that the people in my life were actually harboring resentment behind my back and were going to leave me or hurt me… nobody knew it was OCD, so everyone resorted to reassuring me which we all know makes your symptoms worse. it became a classic case of reassurance-seeking leading to the downfall of a relationship — specifically, someone i had been friends with for a long time. it really hurt, especially when they just ghosted me (although i was never blocked on anything), but in hindsight i understand why they couldn’t deal with me anymore.
i don’t blame people for not knowing how to help me properly… but i wish people had been more blunt, perhaps even stern, rather than repeatedly feeding me reassurance. it’s not their faults, just like it wasn’t fully mine due to my deluded thinking being out of my control. but i am ashamed and embarrassed of myself. i feel guilty, like i did something really wrong. in a way i did, but it was never on purpose, and i look back now with a healthier mind and see how stupid it was.
my friend couldn’t have done anything better, considering the knowledge we both had at the time. i eventually moved past the “mistake” i made and then my OCD became hyper-focused on the embarrassment, but by that time, it was too late and i had exhausted the relationship. it never would’ve worked anyway; anxious attachment + avoidant attachment always comes to an end… never explosively, just sort of… quietly fizzling out.
my problem is, i get irrationally scared of people finding out and suddenly thinking of me differently, thinking of me as immature and insufferable, all that stuff. in reality, it was just an extremely challenging time in my life where we both made mistakes. yeah, i’ll admit i was insufferable at that time, but i have trouble moving past it because i’ve struggled with my mental health my entire life and struggle to identify things about myself that make me feel grounded. i don’t like being me. i’m sorry, old friend. please forget about me.