My lack of impulse control is wrecking my life
Just venting really. Two double cheeseburgers for my tea cause I’m too bummed to do much else. I’ve always struggled with impulse control my whole life and was diagnosed with OCD a little while ago (although it’s not what I’m focusing on here but I for sure know they’re linked).
My two main areas I struggle with are money and food. I’ve always been bad with them but it’s really spiralled in the last ten years. I’ve always had debt that’s gone up and down between £5k to £10k, but I had a really bad breakdown about a year ago where I completely lost touch with reality (I’m talking about actual psychological delusions and cusp of psychosis) and to cut a long story short I’m now in around £50k of debt. I’m fortunate that I earn enough that I’m able to cover all my essential bills and repayments, but I still spend frivolously and when I clear a bit of debt I just end up adding it back on. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I go through these internal battles with myself when I want to buy something and it’s like two people fighting, but the spender always wins, and then I feel full of regret and sad and in a shame spiral.
I have the same relationship with food and it’s meant that I’m now in the region of about 8 stone overweight.
I feel like nothing I do seems to help. I’ve done years of therapy, and it improved my life in lots of other ways but not this. I just cannot seem to stop myself from doing things I don’t want to do.
I feel like it sounds stupid when I describe it to other people, and in a way it is, because I feel stupid for getting myself into this situation, and feel angry with myself because I can’t seem to stop when you’d think messing up like this would be a deterrent.
Everyone else my age has their own home and car and whatever now, but I am just in a shitty rented apartment surrounded by crap that I’ve wasted my money on.