u/Acceptable_Mood6699

My boyfriend and I have known each other for over a year. Our relationship was always calm and stable, we rarely fought because he’s a very chill and avoidant person. We always talked about marriage seriously, but he’s the type who believes he shouldn’t marry until he’s fully financially stable. He never even considers his future wife contributing financially, he wants to be the provider no matter what.

We’re in our graduation year, and our plan was to get engaged after graduation while I wait for him until he’s ready. I tried to make things feel less stressful for him (simple wedding, shared finances at first, no huge expectations), but he always says I see life “too pink” and that things are much harder than I think. He’s very pessimistic about his future and keeps saying he probably won’t achieve stability until his 30s.

Over the past few months, this conversation kept repeating itself. At the same time, he became more distant and talked less, which made me anxious and needy for reassurance. To be fair, he was genuinely busy and stressed.

One day we didn’t talk for few days so i finally reached out but he never brought it up so i did, he explained himself then disappeared again for few hours, o got mad and I said something hurtful and he got extremely angry because it turned out that he was at the hospital with a family member. I apologized a few days later, he accepted my apology, then suddenly broke up with me. He said he’s in a bad place in life, can’t meet my expectations anytime soon, doesn’t want to “hold me hostage,” and doesn’t want to drag me into his struggles.

I was devastated and begged him to call me, but he refused, saying I’d cry and influence his decision emotionally even though his mind was made up. The next day I told him at least we should talk face to face or on the phone because I couldn’t handle being broken up with over text. He ignored me for 2 days, then when I called, he told me the family member he was accompanying at the hospital had died.

I consoled him, but what confuses me is that after all this, we slowly went back to talking normally again. Not romantically or as an official couple, but just everyday conversations like nothing happened. We never revisited the breakup conversation or clarified where we stand now, which leaves me feeling stuck and unsure whether he actually wants to end things or if he was overwhelmed and pushed me away.

I genuinely love him and I know he loves me too. We always thought we’d marry each other. Part of me feels like he made this decision while overwhelmed, stressed, grieving, and feeling inadequate. I don’t know if I should ignore the breakup for now and bring it up later when things calm down, or if that’s a terrible idea.

How do I make him feel less pressured without completely abandoning my own needs?

TL;DR : My boyfriend (24M) has always been very pessimistic about finances and believes he shouldn’t marry until he’s fully stable, even though we both wanted a future together. Over the past few months he became distant while dealing with stress and a hospitalized family member, which made me anxious and needy for reassurance. After I said something hurtful during that stressful period, he accepted my apology but then broke up with me, saying he’s in a bad place in life and doesn’t want to “drag me into it.” Two days later I found out the family member had died. Since then we’ve been talking normally again like nothing happened, and I don’t know if the breakup was truly what he wanted or if he was overwhelmed and grieving.

TL;DR: My avoidant boyfriend of over 1 year ignored me for 5 days, I finally snapped and accused him of not really being “busy” this time… turns out he was at the hospital because a family member had a heart attack. Now he says he doesn’t want to talk to me and I’m spiraling because this is the first real conflict we’ve ever had.

My bf and I never really fight, but not because we’re super healthy/compatible — it’s more because he’s very avoidant. Whenever something bothers me, I try to communicate it, but he usually just says sorry quickly/coldly or acts like it’s not really a problem until I end up convincing myself I overreacted.

For the past 3 months he’s been way more distant because of work/life (we’re interns), and most of our arguments are about him barely texting anymore.

This week we didn’t talk for 5 days for the first time ever because I got tired of carrying conversations while he only replied dryly. He never checked up on me either (he usually does). I eventually texted him because I needed a favor which he did for me, and after that I was still the one keeping the conversation alive until I brought up the fact that we literally hadn’t spoken in 5 days.

He explained through voice notes that he was overwhelmed with night shifts, guests at home, etc. I asked him what happened exactly and he said “give me a minute.”, i guess he was at work. Six hours passed while I saw him online, so I got upset and texted again saying I felt stupid waiting. Turns out he was actually at the hospital because a family member had a heart attack.

I felt awful and asked about the patient, but then I said something like: “so the one time I complain about late replies, you’re actually genuinely busy.” He got really mad and said that was “crazy intolerable shit to say,” that he wasn’t going to argue, and that he didn’t want to talk to me.

I explained I didn’t mean he was lying, just that usually his reasons don’t feel convincing to me because I personally would still make time to text someone I love. I checked on his family member, but now he’s barely replying and told me “I don’t wanna talk to you.”

This is the first time he’s ever been genuinely mad at me instead of just shutting down, and I’m extremely anxious because I hate unresolved conflict. I want to make this work i love him so much and he does too and we planned on getting engaged after our graduation. i want advice about how to handle this situation and how much space should i give him before i text him again, or should i just wait for him to reach out ?