Tw: SA
I made another post on this in another subreddit but more advice would be nice as well to think about on.
So, honestly this is a lot to talk about. It eats at me everyday. Almost 2 years ago. I unintentionally sexually Coerced my ex girlfriend into sex. I honestly didn't know. I think about it everyday. Honestly that relationship was my first and it might be my very last for a while. I hate myself for it everyday. And as time has gone on i've taken accountability within my actions and have accepted the things I've done. I wish I knew better. And I wish I didn't have to hurt someone to know better. I never knew sexual coercion was a thing. All ive ever known is yes is yes and no is no. I'm still young. And my OCD thrives on this topic in particular. Probably even posting this is a compulsion. But at this point i'm ruining myself over and over again. The relationship was really badly. And super toxic. My ex partner was a narcissist (diagnosed NPD) and i was just extremely anxious. That formed a huge trauma bond between us. And had heavy codependency for me because I required her validation to feel seen and loved. Eventually she would pull back from me due to her nature and I would keep pushing because I was scared she was going to leave me and I was too in my head. I was so selfish and I hate myself for it. I know we were both young and stupid. But it honestly pains me. I live with this burden everyday. I feel so so much disgust in my actions. My partner has also been SA'd by other people before. And so, to become someone she hates hurts me so much. I wish to apologize but I also want to give her peace that she deserves. I don't want to hurt her anymore. That relationship i had with her was really bad and there was never any boundaries in it. At one point one of my friends got in contact with her and she said she lied about it. But honestly, I don't know what to believe. I'm just going to believe that I am one. I mean even if i'm not i already gaslit myself enough to believe I am one. A lot of my friends are SA victims too. And I feel so fucking shitty. Being their friend and feeling like i'm hiding myself from them. At the moment i've tried to stop my coercive behavior. I was taught coercion and I want it to stop its clear I was an abuser. And I wish I could say sorry. And be genuine with her that I never meant to hurt her. But I know that isnt smart nor the right thing to do because the apology would be a selfish thing to do. She also abused me too, but I know that doesn't excuse the thing i did. I don't want validation. I know what I did was wrong. And for the last year i've been trying to better myself. I just hate that all I cared about was my selfish intentions and desires.
To anyone who has been Coerced or SA'd i'm sorry that those things happen to you. I hope you feel the peace you deserve. No one deserves this stuff to happen to them.
Right now i'm in therapy, taking more proper medication for my OCD, ADHD, and some mood stabilizers, i'm trying to be MYSELF again and be a better person. But sometimes I just feel so fake and like I have something to hide from these people. I dont want to make the same mistakes again. I'm scared. I remember in my situationship I almost made the same mistake but I stopped myself and respected her boundaries thankfully. But I want to stop my behavior overall. All ive been around is this type of behavior all my life.
How do I rewire my brain to change? Is there any "redemption" for me? I know i'm young. And I made a mistake. But its a mistake i wish I never made. Even if it was unintentional. Should I really forgive myself like my therapist said? And how do I go about this?