u/Accomplished_Skin756

I was sexually abused over the course of a month when I was a child. It stripped me off of all dignity. I cannot put into words how utterly debasing and perverted it was. It didn't take long for me to internalise that my body is just a means to an end. I got into all sorts of things. It is very easy for my mind to take flight. It's been close to 9 years. I should've gotten over it by now. I had, mostly, but I feel it coming back. I've been having nightmares about it, I had mostly grown immune to them but I suppose I've been extra fragile this month. I woke up an hour ago from going through a perfect rendition of the worst of it in my dreams, my heart is clenched so tightly. My body feels weightless. My hands feel very heavy. I cannot stop sobbing. What can I do? How can I recover? I don't want to be like this. I don't want a reminder of it. I don't want to spend the day frozen because I can't get it out of my head. I'm so tired. Sometimes I fantasize about ending my life just so I don't ever have to think about it again and above all, I feel incredibly alone and diseased. I have no one to cry to about it. God I have no one. I don't want to bother my partner with it. I don't think he'll appreciate it and I'm keenly aware of how tiring it must get to hear someone drone on about their trauma. Plus, I don't want to break the illusion that I'm okay and maybe normal. 90% of the time, I can live without feeling like I ever went through anything, I feel normal. I'm scared of the times it gets like this, I hate feeling like I'm still the same kid. I hate feeling helpless. I can't wait to think about it for the very last time and bury it deep but I'm not sure it's possible. I don't wanna be alone. I really really just want to be normal

Hey all. I got 57% in inter (awful, I know. I was going through a very dark time) and I have a 1550 SAT (worked my ass off for months) Which makes my aggregate around 80%. Am I safe for DS/CE from the Karachi campus? This is my only hope. Please answer, it'll ease my anxiety. Thank you!