Feeling Conflicted
Repost from another thread
Hi, I need advice… ha, don’t know where to start. Uh … my best friend is an alcoholic. I’ve seen her struggle with alcohol for years. I‘ve lost count of the situations that she has described to me, or that I’ve witnessed that felt like they must be rock bottom. We are expats living abroad, and we initially met through work. She has lost several friends in our circle because of her drinking. But through all of this, I’ve stood by her. She talks to me often about how horrible she feels (physically and mentally) and how much she wants to change, but feels like she can’t. I’ve tried to be as supportive as I can. Over these six? years, I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter what I want for her (to live a fulfilling, healthy, happy life, one she describes she used to have before moving to this country, free from alcohol and drugs) it’s not my place to make that happen. Separate from all of this, she has always been supportive of me. I am in a long term relationship and it’s not always been easy, and she has always listened to me, even when I was sick of listening to myself.
Two years ago, I left the city where we met, and moved to a town two hours away to pursue my master‘s degree. It’s in a field that she and I bond over - she has a master’s degree in the same or similar field. Over the past two year, we’ve kept in touch, I occasionally visit her, and she’s been here to visit me. More recently, her dad passed away after a gut wrenching medical ordeal. I was really worried about her during this time, and I did what I could to be supportive - organized a care basket and food delivery from our friends and stayed with her for a weekend when she returned.
Just a few weeks ago, I submitted my thesis and I will defend it in the beginning of June. This is a big deal for me, this is a bit of a career change after a decade of being a teacher. She told me she wants to be there to support me and I told her I would let her know the date. Yesterday I found out the date, and I texted her a screenshot of the schedule which included my name and thesis topic saying something along the lines of “idk if you can make it, but I know you said you wanted to be there ❤️.” Her response was confusing and she asked me if I was planning to see the talks, and told me I could stay at her place in the city. I reiterated that it was my defense talk in my town. In my head, I wondered if she was drinking atm or if she was just having a bad day. She apologized and said she’d love to be there but that she still couldn’t see my name (from the list of three). She said she’d ask for the day off from work to see my talk. I asked if she was okay. She said, “no sorrz“ and when I asked what was going on, she didn’t respond for the night. This morning, I wake up to a text saying “was out with people from work and left after a slight breakdown. I feel like a crazy”
Now I’m here on Reddit (which I very rarely post on) looking for advice. I’m worried I made the wrong choice to invite her. I don’t have a guarantee that she‘ll show up sober. I feel absolutely horrible even writing this post but now I’m worried that I’ve compromised my own thesis defense that I’ve worked so hard for. Let me be clear- it’s not the texts themselves that made me rethink my invite - like I’m not mad that she couldn’t find my name (I was more concerned at that) just that the exchange made me realize that I don’t know which friend will show up on the day.
Part of me wants to have a talk with her and say, “I love you, but I’m worried that you might make a scene during a really important time and I can’t have you come, I’m sorry.” but another part of me thinks that’s insane - of course she’ll be sober, she understands what this means to me. The other part of me feels horrible for even writing this, but this is where I’m at.
What should I do? If I uninvite her, what does that mean for our friendship? I don’t want to lose her as a friend but now I feel stupid for inviting her.