I have a serious obsession with a same gender boy and idk it's a serious mental illness
I don’t think I ever truly wanted him. I wanted to become him.
Not in a normal admiration way either. His existence feels like a wound in my identity, like every part of him reflects a version of myself I can never reach. Sometimes it feels less like attraction and more like obsession mixed with envy so intense it becomes unbearable.
I think about him constantly, not because I love him, but because my mind treats him like the answer to something missing in me. I compare myself to him until it feels suffocating. I imagine what it would feel like to see through his eyes, think with his mind, live inside his skin, just to understand what makes him feel more real than me.
The worst part is that I don’t even know where the line between attraction, jealousy, identity, and fixation ends anymore. It feels like my brain latched onto him as an ideal version of myself, and now I can’t separate him from my own sense of identity.
I struggle a lot with feeling detached from myself already, so maybe this obsession became a way for my mind to escape being me. It honestly feels haunting. The worst part is I have a serious dark obsession about him, his niche interest will be mine, I stalked on the internet every day as it depends on my life. I also have serious romanticizing about sexual fantasies about him, and also fantasize about cannibalizing him just to feel every part of him. I hate him. I want him. I wanted to be him. I crave him.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of fixation where you don’t just want someone — you want to absorb whatever they have that makes them feel complete? Is it a serious mental illness?