ELFV or LEFV?
the reason that i struggle to determine which position resonates more is because the way i engage with both logic and emotions isn’t separate and isolated. therefore, it’s almost impossible for me to identify what comes first or which of them is of greater value. basically my logic fuels my emotions and vice versa.
for example, i find it way more illogical to not engage with my emotional world and ignore it than it would be to acknowledge and experience what i’m feeling, or at least try to. also whatever knowledge i acquire or worldview i build, is not robotic but heavily filtered with that underlying emotionality. and that’s what makes it beautiful and human i think..
i’m very attracted to humanities, social sciences, philosophy theories and stuff that require an interpretation and a personal narrative, rather than black and white / set in stone strict mathematical systems. and tho i admit i don’t feel competent in any of my intellectual interests, its a life mission of mine to fully understand them and acquire all the knowledge that i can.
i read that 1L ultimately believes truth is objective while 2L understands it as subjective but i don’t see why its necesary that it’s one or the other. do i believe in objective truths ? yes. do i believe in subjective truths ? also yes. i think it all comes down to what level of reality you’re concerned with and focus ur observations to. i’m also rather openminded in the general sense of the word, tho i can be pretty stubborn once i’ve made up my mind on something.
another thing is that i’ve been called unpredictable a few times now due to my on and off nature and perceived inconsistency, but that is not how i internally experience myself. even my most unpredictable action will have at least some kind of rational clarification and internal consistency behind the scenes bc i very rarely act on impulse.
fundamentally i’m someone that is convinced they need to fully understand something before actively and confidently engaging with it. i struggle with taking the initiative to begin a process or move towards a desired outcome because i need to consume a ton of information before feeling ready to do so; but it still seems to never be enough. which i recognise is stupid. because i’m a firm believer that true knowledge and in extension ability comes from and with experiencing rather than passively collecting information. i wish i had a start and figure it out as i go mentality.
in regards to my more personal and negative emotions, i’m very evidently uncomfortable with direct vulnerability. especially in public settings. group therapy? that sounds like a nightmare to me. i do appreciate it however when other people show signs of vulnerability and i feel more at ease to be open around them. and i bet anyone that gets to know me beyond surface understands i’m an emotionally charged person, tho i still always remain careful with what i share and to whom. i even considered 3E because of this but i am blueprint 3F so that’s out of the picture.
another example of me feeling emotionally exposed, even tho it’s no biggie to most people is when someone im not close with asks about my favourite songs or artists. i usually just freeze and give a random answer that wouldn’t really be true. perhaps that’s a common experience, but to me music is not just sounds and words but something deeply personal. so by sharing this information i’m giving u access to my internal emotional world which feels violating.
when it comes to casual emotions, i often exaggerate my expression and i admit i straight up lie sometimes. but it’s limited to small stuff that wouldn’t matter either way. i’ll dramatise my experiences for the shake of entertainment or just feeling something intense for a moment. but in reality i’m not very moved by daily stuff. it’s honestly generally hard for something to deeply hit me.
i have developed an avoidant character in order to cope with the world and properly function. and oddly enough i’ve found that it’s easier for me to experience deep emotions when witnessing others suffering whether it’s fictional or real, rather than when something directly happens to me.
at the end of the day all i wanna do is live a passionate, fulfilling life. by passionate i mean full of emotion and by fulfilling i mean full of understanding. for love and for truth. thank you to whoever read this.