u/Actual_Aioli_8622

I haven't had any major switches to my knowledge, but I have constant moments that feel like co-consciousness, so I've been informally suspecting I may have some type of OSDD. I haven't verbalized it that way to my therapist, I've only phrased it as that I suspect I have some kind of dissociative disorder.

Every night new memories are revealed to me, but my dreams suggest that my dissociation was very consistent in the past during the time frame of the abuse and that I exhibited major personality shifts back then.

None of that is happening now. I feel lost because the symptoms of the past are still affecting me (not necessarily dissociation per se, moreso body memories and physical sensations) but its like I'm not...exhibiting signs that anything could be wrong besides that? I'm not losing sleep, I'm not dissociating/switching, it's seems like the problem I'm facing now is just plain old depression. Which confuses me because the nature of the abuse was very severe for it to seem like i have no symptoms. I worry it sounds like im trying to force something to be wrong, but I dont know how to manage the anger that comes up after receiving new memories and realizing how intentionally I was being abused with disregard for my wellbeing. I feel like I have no choice but to push it all down because my mind turns to fantasies of killing my abusers. it was basically my entire dad's side of the family. But once I push those feelings down it just leaves me feeling.. conflicted, clogged. I'm not interested in suppressing emotions anymore, but i don't know how to manage these feelings.

Reason I say it feels like everything is under the surface is because i have moments of hyper-awareness of my internal state. I would describe it as different emotional states all existing independently. Extreme apathy and disregard for my life, intense unbearable emotional pain, shock, hyperventilation, disbelief. And I feel like throughout my day to day im never a solid "me." I feel sort of...diffused but also contained. Like I'm barely keeping the serious feelings at bay. In my therapy session I had a quick moment of..something? In which I felt like I was consumed by anger and felt foggy and disoriented. I think I need to have more frequent sessions in therapy. I just started seeing a new one and her schedule has been full. I'm seeing her maybe once a month? I dont feel like our sessions are offering any substantial help but we've only had two and im having a hard time figuring out what specifically I need..Everything i tell her is true but not really diving into making me feel like im leaving with better ways to manage the way I feel. I think I might harm myself if things aren't progressing.

And I hate it. I feel like I have nothing left in myself that can create a sense of pride. Of self belief.

Before discovering it all, I thought, "Im such a thoughtful and caring person." Turns out I just always tried to view the world from other people's perspective cause I learned that mine doesn't matter. I thought that I had this exceptional control over my emotions. It was just so easy for me to think logically about everything. No, I had no access to my emotional states. I was just numbed the fuck out. It's like everything that I used to tell myself that would give me some sense of self esteem was a lie. It was never _me_ its was just fucking coping mechanisms. Everything i thought i knew about myself, my personality, was just one big system of coping mechanisms.

I am afraid that im not...liking myself anymore.

I feel like this is a non issue. On the one hand its like, if I recognize that my coping mechanisms aren't me, that clears the fog to finally understand myself and allow myself to grow. But on the other, im so scared that im just like everyone else when everyone else have been such sources of pain for me. I dont want to be like everyone else. I want to be perfect.

Just got stopped today because from now on im going to have to pay $10 every time I go to this gym because its outside of my home gym's franchise jurisdiction.

This is a post to complain for the sake of complaining. Don't sell me this idea that if I pay extra to be a black card member that I'll be able to go to every planet fitness gym just to turn around and say "Well, if you go to a gym that isn't your home gym more than ten times, you'll have to pay an extra fee every time to use it after the 10th visit". I bought the membership because I travel for work and I like having consistent access to a gym. I guess I've just never made it to more than ten visits in the past, but even so, that's the point of me paying for the black card membership. I'm not going to pay that extra $10 fee, that's an extra $70 a week cause I go daily. And the manager said that even if I go to another gym, id still have to pay because all the PFs in this area are outside of my home gym franchise. WTF??