u/AdDisastrous4952

5 months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of around 3 years. I felt numb and basically scared of the commitment that she wanted. I said that I wasn’t enough for her right now and she deserved better etc etc. I didn’t realize I was an avoidant attachment type until recently after doing a lot of research about it. I have a trend of doing this and through therapy and frustration of the most recent time, I was seeking answers.

Everything I’ve read about avoidant resonates with me. The detachment and pull away that I experienced in the relationship, feeling like I lost attraction, and not being able to express my feelings when I needed to most.

My reason for posting here is because I feel like I was distracted for a while after the breakup but now am experiencing the grief full on. It’s been weeks of non-stop missing and thinking about her. I know this is the common timeline for avoidants and that’s why I am convinced that it is my attachment style. Its almost like my breakup has followed exactly the common avoidant breakup timeline that I’ve seen here and other places online.

I’ve gone to therapy and done lots of research on attachment types and I feel like I have a good grip on what went wrong and what I need to work on. (I know this takes lots of time as well) Is there any hope or possibility of getting back together? I really want to avoid hurting her any more and while I am afraid of my avoidant feelings coming back, with my level of understanding now I feel like I have more confidence in utilizing strategies to help mitigate and fix these tendencies both within the relationship and within myself. (I know I need much more time but the grief is killing me)

Most of the information I see online is slandering avoidants due to many of the posts being of people who were discarded when they had loving relationships.(rightfully so) I’ve been trying to find resources for people who identify as avoidant and how to heal. But a lot of things kind of insinuate that there is no hope for avoidants and leave off just saying to avoid them at all costs and that they are spawns of satan.

Am I doomed forever? Is there any possibility for my previous relationship to work out? Or do most avoidants simply ignore these feelings forever and rarely actually heal? I’m curious if anyone has any input on this. I am open to criticisms about my avoidant tendencies but I genuinely am so tired of it and this is the most self-aware I’ve ever been about my attachment style. I had something so good with my last relationship and am feeling so much regret, but also know how much there is a risk of hurting her even more so if that’s the only option I know I need to let it go.