u/Adept-Command-6163

(I posted the full story awhile ago but) My therapist has said multiple times that the fawn response is a natural thing that happens. I grew up in a pretty abusive household both physically and emotionally by my mom. She assures me that the fawn response isn’t me betraying anyone but my body acting on its own to survive. But not only as a married man but as a person who was assaulted by a woman I feel like that’s a cop out. Like that’s just an excuse to hide that I couldn’t be more aggressive or assertive with my nos. I do tell her to leave me alone and I did try to put space. The whole nine yard but I still feel like it was my fault and the fawn response is just me saying it. Idk does anyone else get this feeling? Like it was your fault and this “natural body response” thing is just a big rug to hide under.

Im apart of another group but there’s something I’d really like advice on if anyone has any. I’ll give a previous post for context and then the part I’d like advice on.

Post: I’ll keep this short. I’m 26 and I worked at this dealership for awhile. (Ofc no name) me and my wife needed to make quick cash because we’re leaving the states but we needed quick money and I’ve worked at this dealership before and I had a good relationship with them and i like selling cars. Theres was a salesperson there who will call E. She was older than me. Now at the dealership I’ll say I’m a bit flirty but it’s with everyone male or female more work office playing. E took that as an invitation. Here’s where my brain keeps saying because she would continue to make advances on me. And I told her no and I was married and pretty much everything. One day she kissed me. And I stressed to her how I didn’t like that. Here’s where my brain says “I did it to myself” she said if I don’t like it I can tell a manager. I really liked working there the goal was to work there 6 months. (Prior information I worked there from 20-24 previously) this place is like a second home to me. An ik how SA gets handled here. It causes alot of attention. It spreads through the dealership like wild fire and makes the whole environment not great. It affects people’s sales. I felt like if I told her I’d ruin it for everyone. And when I went home my wife was so relieved we were making money and a lot of it. So much money to travel (I won’t say where but it’s been a big dream from her and she loves the idea as do I) so I ik if I quit money could get tight again. So I just delt with it. I told myself it’s only for 6 months. Me not telling I guess she read as a green light to do more because she did. She got my number from the receptionist and would call me all the time. She would throw herself at me and if I yelled at her or treated her coldly or anything like that she would cry or talk about her dead fiancé and how no one would like her. If she needed help she would tell the managers to ask me to help her specifically. Once she came at me and I grabbed her by both arms and told her to stop and she cried and was upset and everyone kept asking her what was wrong and asking if I did anything to her. And that I should apologize. I ended up just letting her have her way some days cause I found she’d leave me a loner sooner if I did. I was getting home from work and just crying in my office when my wife fell asleep. What was supposed to be 6 moths was only a month. I ended up quitting at the end of the month. Im not looking. For sympathy or justification. Honestly I’m not even sure what I’m hoping to get out of putting this. But ig I just need anted to talk about it.

The advice part is Sometimes I find myself slipping into this sea of thoughts that it’s all in my head. Idk if it’s the male upbringing in me but I keep telling myself how hard it is for a man to be assaulted. And I think maybe you just feel guilty because it wasn’t with your partner. I remind myself that I told the person I didn’t want to do stuff and at one point asked to in the relationship and before any of it had a 1 he phone call pleading to not take this further and to leave it alone. Which was not respected. The no’s I openly said. One time I grabbed her by both arms when she tried to kiss me and asked her to stop. She didn’t ofc followed it up the next day with t long everyone I’m rude and mean and making everyone think I was beginning appropriate so I caved and just gave her what she wanted. Idk does anyone else here sometimes speak their truth out loud and get hounded by this internal thought that maybe “you’re the liar” or it’s all in “your head” but not the reality. It’s like this weird grey between guilt or helplessness and not being able to circle one sometimes. This has been keeping me up at night. I’ve told my wife everything already and I feel bad she wants me to do Therapy she says there’s days I look like a shell of myself and I hate that I’m adding pressure to her life as well. Does therapy really help?Thanks for any advice or feedback.(sorry for the long post)

(Continuation from my last post) Sometimes I find myself slipping into this sea of thoughts that it’s all in my head. Idk if it’s the male upbringing in me but I keep telling myself how hard it is for a man to be assaulted. And I think maybe you just feel guilty because it wasn’t with your partner. I remind myself that I told the person I didn’t want to do stuff and at one point asked to in the relationship and before any of it had a 1 he phone call pleading to not take this further and to leave it alone. Which was not respected. The no’s I openly said. One time I grabbed her by both arms when she tried to kiss me and asked her to stop. She didn’t ofc followed it up the next day with t long everyone I’m rude and mean and making everyone think I was beginning appropriate so I caved and just gave her what she wanted. Idk does anyone else here sometimes speak their truth out loud and get hounded by this internal thought that maybe “you’re the liar” or it’s all in “your head” but not the reality. It’s like this weird grey between guilt or helplessness and not being able to circle one sometimes. This has been keeping me up at night. Thanks for any advice or feedback.

I’ll keep this short. I’m 26 and I worked at this dealership for awhile. (Ofc no name) me and my wife needed to make quick cash because we’re leaving the states but we needed quick money and I’ve worked at this dealership before and I had a good relationship with them and i like selling cars. Theres was a salesperson there who will call E. She was older than me. Now at the dealership I’ll say I’m a bit flirty but it’s with everyone male or female more work office playing. E took that as an invitation. Here’s where my brain keeps saying because she would continue to make advances on me. And I told her no and I was married and pretty much everything. One day she kissed me. And I stressed to her how I didn’t like that. Here’s where my brain says “I did it to myself” she said if I don’t like it I can tell a manager. I really liked working there the goal was to work there 6 months. (Prior information I worked there from 20-24 previously) this place is like a second home to me. An ik how SA gets handled here. It causes alot of attention. It spreads through the dealership like wild fire and makes the whole environment not great. It affects people’s sales. I felt like if I told her I’d ruin it for everyone. And when I went home my wife was so relieved we were making. So much money to travel (I won’t say where but it’s been a big dream from her and she loves the idea as do I) so I ik if I quit money could get tight again. So I just delt with it. I told myself it’s only for 6 months. Me not telling I guess she read as a green light to do more because she did. She got my number from the receptionist and would call me all the time. She would throw herself at me and if I yelled at her or treated her coldly or anything like that she would cry or talk about her dead fiancé and how no one would like her. If she needed help she would tell the managers to ask me to help her specifically. Once she came at me and I grabbed her by both arms and told her to stop and she cried and was upset and everyone kept asking her what was wrong and asking if I did anything to her. And that I should apologize. I ended up just letting her have her way some days cause I found she’d leave me a loner sooner if I did. I was getting home from work and just crying in my office when my wife fell asleep. What was supposed to be 6 moths was only a month. I ended up quitting at the end of the month. Im not looking. For sympathy or justification. Honestly I’m not even sure what I’m hoping to get out of putting this. But ig I just need anted to talk about it.