This week I have really struggled to get blocks is it just me? or is it a quiet week?
I can usually get blocks all week with ease at the usual drop times but I have only seen the odd 3.5hr (which I refuse to do that’s another story!)
I’m seeing blocks for other depots so I’m not hour capped. Can anyone shed some light?
I’ve been lurking here for months and finally feel ready to share my story.
I’m 31m and I’ve just ended a relationship with my girlfriend pwBPD 28 after around a year together. She has diagnosed BPD alongside ADHD.
I want to make it clear from the start that I don’t hate her. I still love her. I don’t think she ever deliberately set out to hurt me. I genuinely think she has demons that she battles every day. But loving someone doesn’t mean the relationship is sustainable.
I think that’s the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn.
The beginning
The relationship started incredibly intensely.
When things were good, they were amazing. She could be caring, affectionate, funny and made me feel like I’d found my person.
I fell completely.
Like many people here, I started imagining marriage, children, a future together. I overlooked things because I genuinely believed that if I loved her enough and understood her mental health enough, we’d eventually become a stable couple.
Instead, I slowly became someone who was constantly trying to regulate another person’s emotions.
Breaking up… then getting back together
We’d have periods where I’d reach breaking point.
I’d end things.
Then the guilt would hit me.
I’d think:
“What if she’s right?”
“What if she’s just struggling?”
“What if I haven’t been patient enough?”
So we’d get back together.
Every time I hoped things would be different.
Every time I believed we’d turned a corner.
Looking back now, I wasn’t falling in love with who the relationship actually was.
I was in love with what I believed it could become.
I gave everything
This isn’t me saying I was perfect.
I wasn’t.
But I genuinely gave this relationship everything I had.
I worked Amazon Flex after my full-time work to earn extra money so we could make memories together.
I paid for holidays.
Planned dates.
Bought flowers.
Bought gifts.
Spent countless hours trying to understand BPD so I could communicate better.
When she split on me, I tried to stay calm.
When she was struggling mentally, I stayed.
I kept thinking that eventually she’d feel safe enough for us to become a proper partnership.
Instead, I slowly realised I was pouring from a cup that was never being refilled.
I didn’t feel appreciated.
I didn’t feel emotionally safe.
I didn’t feel like we were carrying the relationship equally.
The holiday that changed everything
We’d been planning Ibiza for months.
I worked extra jobs to afford it.
It was also her birthday while we were away.
I genuinely wanted it to be special.
Instead, it became the moment everything finally clicked.
Throughout the holiday there were constant complaints.
Complaints about walking.
Complaints about restaurants.
Complaints about timings.
Complaints about being tired.
Complaints about being ill.
Nothing ever seemed quite right.
Then came one incident that completely broke me.
She booked a poolside massage.
I’d already told her the guy made me uncomfortable because I’d watched him all day approaching women around the pool, asking them why they weren’t giving him attention and generally coming across as sleazy.
She still had the massage.
Afterwards she told me he’d massaged around her glutes, near her vagina, around her breasts and coccyx.
I know some people will disagree, but I felt humiliated.
It wasn’t jealousy as much as feeling completely ignored after I’d already explained why I was uncomfortable.
When I tried explaining how it made me feel, I somehow became the bad guy.
That’s how so many disagreements went.
My feelings became evidence that I was controlling, manipulative or unreasonable.
By the end of the holiday I felt emotionally exhausted.
The woman I’d spent months trying to make happy seemed unhappy regardless of what I did.
The breakup
When we got home I finally accepted what I’d been avoiding for months.
I still loved her.
But I wasn’t happy.
The relationship wasn’t meeting my emotional needs.
I didn’t end it because I stopped loving her.
I ended it because I realised love wasn’t fixing the relationship.
That was probably the hardest decision I’ve ever made.
Three days later
This is the part that’s hurting today.
Within three days she’d updated all of her profile pictures across social media using photos from our holiday.
Posted her first Instagram post since 2020.
Changed all her bios.
Maybe it means nothing.
Maybe it’s just how she copes.
I’m not claiming to know her motives.
But I’ll be honest…
While I’ve spent the last three days crying, reflecting, talking with close friends and trying to process the loss of someone I genuinely thought I’d spend my life with, seeing all of that has hurt.
It feels like she’s moved into presenting a new version of herself online while I’m still trying to understand how I got here.
Again, maybe that’s unfair.
Maybe she’s grieving privately too.
I don’t know.
What I’ve realised
The biggest thing I’ve realised is this.
I wasn’t scared of losing her.
I was scared of losing the future I’d imagined with her.
Those aren’t the same thing.
I kept staying because I believed the relationship would eventually become what I’d always hoped it could be.
It never did.
Today I’m heartbroken.
Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced heartbreak like this.
But despite all of that…
I don’t want the relationship back.
I know ending it was the right decision.
I just wish my heart would catch up with what my head already knows.
If anyone has made it this far, thank you for reading
This is becoming ridiculous now.
3 times on an evening block I have been sent to a business or a school that is of course closed.
And of course I get 3 dings in a row.
I know they don’t mean much but they add up and can ultimately get you deactivated.
I enjoy this gig it’s been a great way to top up my salary and pay for holidays ect.
This stuff just really gets to me. Having to then email support to remove these dings when the parcel should never have been given to me on the first place!