u/Administrative-Tip92

My bf (28M) is fairly unhealthy unless I cook for him but he also takes his supplements I buy for him on his own. He vapes nicotine heavily day and night, and in turn sleeps terribly. He’s also fairly inactive and unmotivated lately. However, he is in recovery from opiates and doing great on that front, which I’m very proud about.

We’ve been dating for a year, he’s three months into recovery and on Sublocade and an SNRI. He’s fairly inactive and seemingly unmotivated and lazy (which I can’t tell if this is the real him or if it’s the two meds he’s on affecting him, or if it’s post-opiate withdrawal symptoms). He sleeps a lot during the day as he sleeps poorly at night and he watches a lot of youtube. He also reads and has part-time work that he does great at and gives his all. He is a supportive partner and loving but I find myself wanting more out of him and love when we do things together, but also understanding that recovery is a process and hoping this is a phase caused by his meds and poor sleep. I love to see him motivated and excited about life but a decent amount of the times, he’s just tired and a bit flat.

BTW I am in process of seeing a therapist for all of this.

I (33F) value health (physical and mental) so this disconnect has been something hard for me to deal with with him, as I want him to sleep deeply, have adequate nutrition, etc. so that he can have a better functioning life and a real chance to stay off opiates for good. I know it’s maybe unfair for me to overwhelm him with my concerns during this fragile point in his life, but it’s really hard not to ask I am fully aware of how everything we consume or not, has a direct impact on health (I.e. vaping causes poor sleep quality, dopamine dis regulation, affects the gut, adrenaline, ADHD, testosterone, etc etc.)

I usually present these facts by sending him screenshots, or bringing up in person gently, or at times not so gently. His response is sometimes receptive, sometimes defensive, sometimes, dismissive, sometimes quiet and pensive. But he likes to remind me that he’s still fresh in recovery.

I give him supplements to hopefully offset some of the effects (mitigate risk) of vaping and for overall health. Who knows if this does anything. But I feel a bit better thinking it can, but ultimately want him to want to quit or cut back on his own one day. But honestly it sometimes feels like that day can’t come quick enough. Esp as I’m older and looking towards the future with him and weighing pros and cons, essentially.

But then I feel guilty or crazy once I talk to other people about my concerns and they respond with \~”give him grace right now as he’s still so fresh in recovery and be patient.” Or “vaping should be the least of your concerns right now. Him staying off of opiates should be paramount.” I understand this theoretically but usually land back in the same place of worry about his general health and how it’s all connected and him having a chance at recovery would entail him cutting out things especially like vaping that really rewire his dopamine circuits and all that kind of thinking.

My question is: what the hell do I do or don’t do to A. Maintain inner peace while also B. help him make the changes in a way where he wants to (extrinsic motivation turned intrinsic)? I feel like this occupies so much of my days—worrying about his health and what kind of future we’d have together if things don’t change, and wanting him to want to do these things on his own (essentially, wanting him to be a different person concerning health, mental and physical), and worrying about his sleep, his organs, his libido, his nutrient absorption, all of it!

TLDR: my (33F) bf (28M) is unhealthy but also in opiate recovery and doing great on that front yet I’m still concerned about his general health as I know it is all connected and connected to the chances he has on staying off opiates for good. These concerns about his health (esp his chronic and heavy nicotine vape addiction), consumes far too much of my mental space so what can I do to protect my inner peace while also helping him help himself?

So my bf and I have gotten into some arguments about his porn use in relation to our sex life, the concerns I have around it, my boundaries, and generally into larger discussion about porn. My intention is never an argument but he can get defensive and is tired that I’ve brought it up 3 separate occasions. Anyway, he is in recovery and is on two temporary meds that affect his libido and give him occasional ED. He has mentioned to me when we were friends that he was watching everyday at one particular point in his single and post-drug-addiction life. It generally bothers me that he watches porn and can usually climax with it, but not always with me. Even though he says his climaxes are weak with it compared to the real thing. Oh also, he does not subscribe to an OF, and he would consider that cheating. Anyway, I selfishly want his limited sexual energy for myself. But also understand that it can be easier to come with that stimuli compared to the pressure or dynamic irl loving can have. That thought makes me sad tho. And I also don’t want him getting at worst desensitized to the real thing and rewiring his brain to easily light up and fire for some random girls/strangers on a screen while he at times has a hard time with me. In some ways he prob already has become desensitized b/c he started porn young, idk. Also, we live separately and he only uses it when alone. BUT he tells me that it’s entirely different for him and his solo-time is “piddly” when compared to climaxing with me and that they’re completely different things to him, and he will always prioritize being better and prioritize our relationship and that he uses it as a tool or means to an end and doesn’t want another addiction and doesn’t want it to affect our relationship and if it actually was (in his eyes it’s not now), then he’d make changes.

When we talk about it and I ask questions he has given me honest answers (I believe him for most part), and will say things like “look where my honesty has gotten me”, and “I’ve never had to talk about this this amount with anyone and guarantee you your old partners were lying to you about their usage” and “I’m scared of what’s gonna happen when my libido comes back” (I think meaning, he’s afraid of how I’ll respond when he proportionality watches more porn and how our relationship may be affected). He frames this as “my issue” that i have to get over. Which, maybe I do b/c right now, his usage is not a problem and I’m living in the past and worrying about a future that hasn’t happened. However, I wanted to let him know my boundaries (I have many times, which I know he gets annoyed with having to explain himself it feels like I’m making an issue out of nothing.)

I really just wish he wouldn’t get so angry and defensive and that we could talk normally about it and unemotionally if possible, from a place of curiosity. Which, no doubt we have had these moments, but idk, I want more of them. I wish he’d want to understand me more and be more curious and steadily compassionate.

He has answered all my questions but not always in the most constructive and best way. He has gotten defensive to me asking questions in a loving and gentle tone. But also, I’ve given him more or less ultimatums if my boundaries on this issue are crossed (when his libido is back, if he say watches porn every day, I’d leave him as I’m not attracted to a guy who watches prob everyday). And if gets anywhere close to watching more porn than he is loving up on and with me, then I’d be so hurt and don’t know if I’d be able to heal from it. I gave ultimatums (I know they’re unhealthy), and also stated how if certain things were to happen, would make me feel.

BTW I watch some porn too (once or twice a month if that), but mainly just use my imagination and picture him and I in scenarios when I’m solo-satisfying. And also, my sex drive is greater than his atm. And my view on porn in general is that some of it is okay if all participants are actually into it and everyone is getting off. But also am very aware of the negatives of the industry (sex trafficking, abuse, minors, the effect it has on young brains who grow up with it, being not 100% sure that what you’re watching is actually consensual etc.) It really makes me sick to think about these terrible aspects of it too much. That’s where I stand with it fyi, for background.