u/Admirable-Inside-167

Hello there! I speak both dutch and english but feel better expressing myself in english.

This past 5 years have been really hard, Ive been struggling both physical and mental health. I dropped out of college and little by little lost all my friends as things became harder. I isolated myself completly and just this past year I realized how lonely I actually feel.

I used to be an active online gamer, used to constantly go to conventions, play D&D and hangout all the time... I cant believe this was still me 3 years ago. Nowdays I barely do anything other than watch youtube or play on my phone.

As my physical health has improve a lot this past year, I feel more incline to "go outside and connect to people". Tho, I realized I have no means to do this. So I though I would give this a try!

Im looking for people around my age with similar interests that live close by (traveling is extremely hard for me).

I like to hangout, play games and make weekends plans to binge watch a serie, movie marathon or just go out for a walk in the park!

Also, Comic Con is in October 👀 I havent go in 2 years as going alone doesnt seem fun for me... Sooooo.... I hope to find some people here to go with!

Hey everyone, before we start let me give you some info about our system's functioning:

We became aware of being a system a year and a half ago during a traumatic experience that lead to the previous host "dissolving" and since then the system hasnt been able to form a stable one. This past year the forming of a host has been a constant failure that falls apart and causes turmoil... It is not the same as going dormant, we are a highly trigger-adaptive polyfragmented system, so Alters are made up of other Alters and this "configuration" shifts and adapt all the time (e.g. Alter A consist of Alter 1 and 2, but Alter 2 can also be part of Alter B with Alter 3) so when an alter with a stable form "dissolves" this parts just dont joint together again in the same format thus not forming the previois Alter again...

We constantly "assemble"and "disassemble" during the day depending on the needs, tasks or triggers. We also have different subsystems that may have other forms of dissociative disorder (e.g. one of our subsystem is literally an Alter with what seems OSDD 1a). I thought its important to say this as we are very new learning about the disorder but we understood that our cause might not be a typical DID case.

So our system consist of Id say 70% of very polyfragmented parts. And the rest of the "Alters" have a more stable consistence form, some have their own names, gender and identities, depending on what we call ranks.

Up to the questie...

A couple of weeks ago was our birthday. As the whole month is a very triggering anniversary event we made preparation because our wishes for this year was to have it "quiet and uneventful". So we literally spent the whole month home doing absolute minimun.

On the D-day we went to our mother's and ordered food and watched a movie (as the relationship with our mother has improved the last couple of years).

When the day was over and we head home, I though it went ok. It was quiet and uneventful just like we wanted... Comes the night right before falling asleep and a middle rank Alter, Lilly (a child) comes bursting into the front crying about how "It's our birthday again but I'm still 7 and a half!". She always entonates that "and a half!" It has always been her thing and until now we thought it was a typical cute kid-phrase. Turns out her age is "her main Thingy".

Lily is a child Alter, but despise this she has a very critical and high position in the system, she is the speaker for non-verbal parts, its the head of the "Monitoring Department" that alert us of systems shifts and vocalizes inner needs.

So she is a child, acts like a child but has a mature highly dependable role within the system. We do not condensate our child parts as we were never treated as children in our past either (Family and people feedbacks was always: she is so mature and self-reliable, what a little woman... No, just neglected...) and they can take it as an offense and get triggered if you treat them too much "like a child".

The current problem is, since then "I" have been front stuck and communication with the rest of the system was cutoff....

We are currently not under specific treatment. We havent been able to find a professional that fits our treatment needs, until then we have a neigbourhood mental health facility that we contact if we need help. They refuse to give us typical trauma therapy as they say our disorder makes it more complex and risky and nobody feels confident in treaating us further that lending an ear, providing meds for when needed and further looking for a place to get help catared to our needs. It's been half a year and we still havent found a place with space in their waiting list... It's very frustrating how everything is "on hold". We have been in this inertia "standby" for the past year.

So we think what happenned with Lilly put the system in a Lockdown, it happens sometimes but this is my first time getting front stuck all by myself.. I can't perform complex tasks, Im usually the "in-between" person, the one that takes the walk to shift from one task to the other, but I found myself initiating something and then... Just waiting, I cannot play games, or read a book, or continue our current AuDHD research fixation of ancient egypt... Not even watch a show or anything...

Im the one that gets you to the starting line and then take over at the end of that line to get another to another starting line... I dunno if Im able to explain my role in the system. But that's mostly it.

This morning I finally got in touch with an executive Alter and this is why we are able to write this post.

I really dont know what to do. This past weeks I just sit down on the couch and stare at a wall... I put some YT vids in the background and play some mini games on my phone... I cannot do anything more elaborate.. I feel so useless, alone and stagnant.

I havent heard from Lilly nor the others since then and the Alter that is right now here with me helping me write is also "not all there" either. It's like they are sleep-walking honestly...

I am just so confused and need some ideas on how to tackle this knot... I feel I just need to "unclog" something for it to "flow" again, but have no idea what could help...