u/Adorable-Sort-5213

I (22F) lost my Mom unexpectedly in December. I'm an only child and she was my best friend my entire life. Saying that her loss has devasted me is an understatement.

But the worst part is how rarely I can cry about it.

My mom and I both have (or had I guess) chronic migraines. I have at least a low level headache every single day and usually by the end of a day at work I am in near debilitating pain. I have never been as bad as my Mom, but she was always so good at helping me through it and giving me support and comfort.

Now, the very illness that I got from her is keeping me from mourning her death. When I cry, my migraines explode. After just a few short minutes my entire face, crown and neck is in screaming pain. The mere act of scrunching up my face when the tears start to form hurts. I want to sob. I want to scream and never stop. But at most, I get about 5 minutes before the pain is so unbearable that I have to stop.

It's such a dumb thing, but it makes her loss so much harder. I'm not even allowed to cry about her. I just have to miss her silently.

Put a finger down if you've ever been doordashing and are in the middle of a low paying offer, already frustrated, when you start to cry about your dead mom, absent dad who might be adopting a mentally disabled 12 year old, and increasingly emotionally absent partner. Through all of the salty tears, you start to taste copper. One quick glance in the rear view mirror confirms what you already know: you have cried so hard, you gave yourself a bloody nose. Stuck at a red light, you continue to drip onto your favorite pair of jeans, white and black of course, and try to staunch the bleeding with the inside of your jacket. Upon pulling over, you realize that there is not a single napkin, tissue, or receipt to be found. Cursing your cleanliness, you grab the only thing in your car, a newspaper, and start shoving sharp and scratchy pieces of paper up your nose. In your haste to find paper, you dropped your blood covered jacket out of your hand, which has since transferred spots of blood onto your second favorite shirt. You pour water on your shirt and pants to try to prevent staining, and now mainly just like you've pissed yourself. You finish the delivery and have to hand it to a high school student, in your physical and mental state of disarray, which only leads to further moral injury, only to realize that you only got paid $4.60 for this 30 minute labor. You now drive home, in school bus filled traffic, head hanging low.

TL;DR Got a bloody nose in the car and only had newspapers to clean it up

Update: upon arriving home and looking in the mirror, you realize that ink transfers off of newspapers when wet and will now have a black smudged nose for the rest of the day