u/Adventurous-Code-461

We've been married for 12 years. My husband is in his own world most of the time. He has a good paying job that he hates and untreated sleep apnea that we are begging him to treat, to no avail. He is easily "triggered" by our kids and has a very aggressive/intimidating tone. He spends hours focused only on his phone/fan fiction. He isn't emotionally supportive, does very little household tasks without having to be begged, plans nothing for the kids and has no desire to really know them. I'm so lonely, I'm overwhelmed and falling apart physically. This year, after years of his behavior getting worse, he didn't do anything for my birthday. He falls asleep with our 4 month old while I am not at home/or asleep, risking her life, and then claims he isn't asleep despite me seeing him. In heated moments this man has told me to kill myself, that I don't deserve to be a mom, that he would take them from me on holidays, and that I am worthless. The other 95% of the time he is nonresponsive and clearly uninterested in us-his family. There is no biblical grounds for divorce, so how do I continue on in this marriage? I want to be loved by someone, not just an annoyance, I'm so hurt by it all that the thought of life staying like this is unbearable. I really need advice.

Everything is falling apart. My marriage, which has been suffering for years, is the worst it's ever been. My husband wanted to do counseling, so we are, but he won't do anything the counselor says. Im shocked that despite claiming to want change, he is still doggedly defending shitty/irresponsible/unkind behavior. Last year my grandma and uncle died while I was pregnant with baby #5 and my mom has just been on a tear. She got a lot of money from my grandma's will, paid off her new house, now wants to sell the house because it's too big. She retired, sold my childhood home and land my grandma willed to her too. She wants nothing to do with my grandma's anything and is making dumb financial decisions. She also just dumped every family photo she had on me because she, "doesn't care about material things." I can't grieve my family that I lost because she had a bad relationship with her family. It was the same as when my dad died. I have to pretend I don't care that half my family is dead now because I still have her. In top of it all, I will come on reddit for advice because I live a very isolated life. Instead of support I am torn apart for having 5 kids, having 5 c sections, and loving my husband even though his behavior sucks. I find it crazy that experiencing normal parenting struggles means I'm unworthy to be a mother or that my kids shouldn't exist. How dare I? It's all just so disheartening and cruel but I'm not even allowed to be upset. I don't know how I can keep going .