I’ve watched the explanations and shit along with questions, I’m not getting them wrong all the time it’s just I’m taking a long time and my brain isn’t jumping out thinking “OMG THERE IT IS I SEE YOU” I’m just reading the question based off what makes sense, the diagramming shit just doesn’t work for me, or atleast seeing it most of the time in the videos.
I can’t do it, too much, brain hurt.
If you have them blocked at any point. Keep them blocked, you blocked them for a reason, don’t go back because you’re “missing” or “regretful” or “feel bad” or whatever the case is. If you’ve blocked them, you are forcefully pushing them out of your life like if it were throwing trash out. Don’t dig through trash.
Bcuz it’s trash.
It’s a breakup but we might come back together but idk this is a compilation from my notes app of what I said, what I didn’t say, what I feel, and what I understand.
I want you because we are compatible and we have good times
But I can’t be with you because of the relationship instability
I love you, and I care about you so deeply. Whether we’re together right now or not, that doesn’t change what you mean to me. You’ve been on my mind constantly, not just because I miss you, but because I know there are things in me that I need to face and fix.
I hate that I hurt you. I hate that I let parts of myself come out in ways that made you feel unsafe or unsure. That is something I’m taking seriously, because I never want to be someone who brings pain to the person I love.
I know we agreed on a break, and I’m going to respect that. But I also want you to know that this isn’t something small to me. You are worth the work. You are worth the patience. You are worth me becoming better, not just for the chance of us, but because I should have been better already.
I’m not asking you to make a decision tonight or give me reassurance. I just needed to be honest about my heart. I love you, I miss you, and if there is ever a chance for us again, I want to meet you as someone who has actually changed, not someone who only said he would.
I want you because I love you, and because when we’re good, we’re really good.
But love and compatibility aren’t enough if the relationship feels unstable.
I want us, but only if it can be healthier, safer, and different than before.
Distance will allow for healing, I love you, I care abt you, I want to text you, I want to see you. But I gotta allow healing to happen before I jump into anything rash. Because that’s what’s important for me and you.
I hate this feeling.
It’s hard to love and have to let go.
Don’t go back to her it’s not worth it she feels numb
Bottling her emotions
Just for what, for it to come back when you get back together
Pushing your emotions down so that you feel nothing to protect yourself from feeling upset is textbook definition of bottling. Something I’m very familiar with. Not expressing yourself is holding that seal tight, and you will bear those feelings in another way. Each day I feel something different, whether it’s longing or sadness or confusion or understanding, or whatever it is and those feelings grow and change the more I think abt them and write them down. But to me feeling numb is probably just me denying myself the chance to grow and understand how I truly feel. But if that’s how u feel that’s how u feel. Period. nothing is going to change that, thanks for telling me.
I miss her and love her and I care deeply
Idk if I want it back
as much as I’m confused and unsure about everything, I still deep down want this to work.
I understand.
She is hurt and what matters more than my pride for how I feel, I must respect how she feels.
There were holes in our relationship, boundaries crossed, feelings unheard, and it could be from how we rushed it, it could be from how we’re not compatible, but what matters more is that we change. Because from an outside eye, neither of us are whole. We are broken.
You aren’t ready for a relationship or someone else. I don’t think she is either. That’s ok. No need to pressure the situation because you miss her, at the end of the day you are still broken and hurt, the healing isn’t over. It won’t be over for a while. You may never be whole, but your boundaries are important, and so are hers. She may still love care and miss you. That’s ok. Those feelings are mutual. But respect that the job isn’t finished.
I love you, with your flaws because I have flaws too. But together the pressure of our flaws are a lot to manage, even together.
I want you because I love you, and because when we’re good, we’re really good.
But love and compatibility aren’t enough if the relationship feels unstable.
I want us, but only if it can be healthier, safer, and different than before.
This was written in my notes but I want her back so bad I think abt her a lot like obsessively. But I need her. I miss her in every second dude.
Seeking Advice
I am not a good partner. And Im not looking for an excuse or looking for sympathy. I've been in several relationships and time and time again I've proven to be the problem. 3 partners ago | left her because I felt I could do better, my next partner I crashed out at her over the phone because she wasn't ready to take the next step forward and she was afraid of how I would respond to her in person. My recent partner, I crashed out at her and told her I'd leaver her stranded and I hurt her physically (unintentionally I tossed her a soda can when I was angry and i tossed it too hard, my hands didn’t touch her, doesn’t excuse it, it wasn’t to hurt her, but I was angry and it happened), emotionally, and verbally. I made her feel fear, and that's something no one deserves from someone they love and someone who tells them that they love them. I truly feel deeply ashamed, afraid, and guilty of my actions. I bottle up emotions and explode. The same way my father did. My father growing up was all those things and done those things to me and my mom and I witnessed it. Bruises, choking, beating, degrading, manipulating, gaslighting. Sometimes for power, sometimes for ego, sometimes just to prove a point, many times I couldn’t even begin to explain him. I feel afraid in the sense that I am just like him. I feel ashamed in the sense that I promised myself I wouldn't be like that and I act out the same way. And I feel guilt because I know the type of fear she felt because I felt it, and I put that on her. I've been trying to think abt this on my own but | just run my mind in circles. When I was a kid, might've been 12 my father told me that he repeated the cycle of his father and his father’s father, the abuse and that he married his mother in the sense that my mom acts just the way my grandma does same with my grandfather. His final words were it's up to me to be better than him, and break the cycle. I'm very young, just scratched the surface of being an adult. But my actions can not be justified. I recognise this. I want to do better for my ex girlfriend. And if not her, I want to be better for my partners in the future. I don't want to be my father and my father's father, and his father. Please understand and point me in the right direction, so that I can be better. And I say for her but it might be for me too, she really is my gaze and my drive and I would do anything just to see her smile and feel her warmth again.
I started working on my first diagnostic test today, I didn’t really get much sleep at all before so I stopped half way through, and I was looking through what I got wrong and I believe I would land around 120 as of now with poor sleep. Most of the questions I got wrong were only level 1-2 based on lsachub. If I were to guess I’d say my problem is my annotation and reading the question, does anyone have any tips on how to speed up/through all the bs of the texts or annotating out the question? I don’t wanna say that im fried and I should give up but I do believe that because It takes me so damn long to process what I’m being asked, I’m running out of time to think about my choice. Also if you have gotten a 120, how did you improve, and what was your final score?
Anyways fmcl, where do I sign up for the army.
I started working on my first diagnostic test today, I didn’t really get much sleep at all before so I stopped half way through, and I was looking through what I got wrong and I believe I would land around 120 as of now with poor sleep. Most of the questions I got wrong were only level 1-2 based on lsachub. If I were to guess I’d say my problem is my annotation and reading the question, does anyone have any tips on how to speed up/through all the bs of the texts or annotating out the question? I don’t wanna say that im fried and I should give up but I do believe that because It takes me so damn long to process what I’m being asked, I’m running out of time to think about my choice. Also if you have gotten a 120, how did you improve, and what was your final score?
Anyways fmcl, where do I sign up for the army.