I just got engaged - and my mum is making me feel so guilty already
My mum - who I love and is nooo where as bad as what some people share about on here but most absolutely has some classic narcissistic tendancies - has made the last few weeks of my engagement frankly awful at times. For context, her highschool friend took her own life recently shortly before my engagement, and my mum is taking that really hard (understandably), and there's now a coroners enquiry. My partner was going to postpone the proposal until they recommended a better time, but her and my dad told my now fiancee to go ahead with the proposal despite the circumstances and that 'joy was needed in this time', but then one of the first things she said when I facetimed her after the proposal was that 'the only person she wants to call is dead'. I just didn't know what to do with that I felt so upset - I didn't know the proposal was going to happen i just wanted to share something exciting.
She's since proceeded to get upset she's not included in organising (nothing is organised it's been 3 weeks lol), she's asked if her and my dad will be invited to my engagement when I called to ask her thoughts on it, has gotten upset when I haven't consulted her (when I called to consult her) and every time I try to include her on any fkn discussion she interrupts me to talk about how hard the coroner enquiry is. Literally we are mid conversation about what to wear for an engagement and she flat out cuts me off to talk about the drama of a coroners enquiry and how it's impacting her. I feel like such a dick because someone has died and I'm not trying to diminish this at all, but it's just never ever ever my turn for people to just enjoy and be happy for me/us. There's just no getting it right, I can't stand speaking to them at the moment because I'm desperately trying ot enjoy this exciting period, but I once again am competing with something that impacts her when I know I should be focussing on my fiancee's and my time - and also I want to be a supportive daughter whilst she's grieving because this is objectively an awful time.
It just sucks, I want to be excited and I want my mum to feel a part of that but every time I get off the phone I'm in tears because I feel I'm letting them down and making something about me when it shouldn't and I shouldn't take up any space. Even writing this I feel so selfish and guilty. I don't know how to handle this situation. I want to be selfish and set boundaries but I feel ill at the thought - because how will she react? How will it make things worse?? Idk if anyone has any advice I would really welcome it.
She's started going to therapy recently and she's become way less agressive and cruel over the years and has genuinely taken some really positive steps to be a better mum - and she really has we are in a much better place - so I'm not in a 'cut off' space at all, I just have never been in a position where I am supposed to be the centre of attention. Idk it just fucking sucks I'm feeling really upset over it and I selfishly want to just pretend that this awful thing hasn't happened as well and focus on me and my fiance - which also feels wrong.
Anyway. Advice really really welcome. Thank you