u/Affectionate_Cut3291

TW: self-harm ideation.

(28M) Really difficult to say this, but I think I am mourning the life I had planned. Grew up Evangelical Christian in Mexico. Not too religious family, but still very involved in the church I used to attend. This church is a semi-cult, and I was completely aware of that and stopped meeting when I was in college, but after the pandemic and all the social influence I ended up meeting again there and eventually attending the church's seminary (I graduated in December 2025). The issue is that this was the peak of myself trying to belong to somewhere I simply don't belong, and right now I feel like crap with all the ongoing situation and my friends moving on.

For context, when I realized I was gay in college, I simply started dating guys and didn't care at all about religious things. I started exploring other beliefs and seldom going to church. But when I finished college in 2020, I decided to leave "the gay world behind" and I cut off al contact with a guy I was hooking up with. I prayed to God that I didn't want to live that life anymore, but then eventually everything hit. I started having a very obscure episode of paranoia. I was thinking about harming myself all the time and eventually I ended up taking Aripipazole (an antipsychotic) and going to therapy for three years. Somehow I managed to continue my life for a few years.

In 2023, I dated a guy from another country. The pastors from my church told me around those days to stop dating men, but I continued talking to him for a few months. It didn't end up well and I was very disappointed with myself for all the internal homophobia that over the years I have been cultivating. I was depressive for several months, until I decided to join the seminary, because I thought that was going to pray the gay away. Of course it didn't work like that.

In 2025, I became friends with a guy from the seminary. A friend of mine (Female) told me this guy sent her messages a few years ago, so I didn't suspect anything from this person. He was very homophobic but our friendship was slowly turning "strange". He would say often that he wanted to get married after graduating, but he would lift up my pants when we were studying, hugging me, touching my belly from time to time. I ended up falling in love, again, with this person, a man. I was terribly sad and disappointed because I thought that in seminary I would finally become straight. After graduating he started dating a girl, I ended up coming out to him (I didn't tell him I was in love with him) and he stopped talking to me after that. Anyway I feel much better of not talking to him, because I think there were mixed signals during our friendship(?).

I have been in therapy for a few months. I think I have an obsession to become validated with the church I grew up in. That is all my social circle and, as a semi-cult, is hard to move on from there. I still live in Mexico, but I am thinking about moving somewhere else. I have told myself many many times that I will become more transparent with myself and more authentic. I had the opportunity of working in the church, but I declined since it was for me a way to continue with the mask. I'm open to my secular friends and parents, but I still think very often that this is a lie. I haven't cheated on anyone of course, but I think I no longer fit. The church was all my identity, so I feel very hollow right now. I'm still processing all that I have lived these years, and progressively accepting myself and grieving for the life I had planned as a Christian. Any advice?

TW: Self-harm ideation. Long post

I (28M) have been struggling with daydreaming/rumination/limerence since January 2021. I am gay, with a significant degree of internalized homophobia (mostly towards myself, not against others, but still struggling) which I think it has been a great contribution to feeling like this. Grew up Evangelical Christian in Mexico. Very committed, at a certain point, to religion.

It all started during the pandemic. I had a date with a guy (lets call him F) I was hooking up on and off for a few years. We cuddled and had some sort of intimacy, but it gave me a lot of anxiety. I blocked him (yeah, I know I was a terrible person, we still talk and haven't blocked him in a while hehe) and prayed to God saying I didn't want to like men anymore (I was finishing college in a very demanding university, so I think not keeping my mind busy contributed to the coming things). After that decision, I had the worst anxiety crisis I ever had in life and thought about self-harming myself all the time. I went to a psychiatrist and he prescribed me Aripiprazole, I was in therapy for 3 years and I've been 3 months in therapy again after a 2 year break. The ideation was not voluntary, I was just thinking about the worst scenarios one person could ever imagine. I came out progressively to some of my friends.

With the medication the ideation went away, but I started to develop a limerence on F. From the first second I woke up to the last thought before going to bed, I thought about this person. I think I wasn't in love, but anyway I was super obsessed.

I met a guy (let's call him M) that was living in another country in 2024, and the limerence was transferred to M. I fell very hard for him, but the long distance wasn't helping to have more clarity about the relationship. It didn't end up well.

I was felling like crap because of the decisions that led me to break up with M. I was overthinking all the time and the limerence wasn't going away, so I decided to join the seminary of the church I was attending. It made me feel very connected to myself, but the inner conflict was still going on. I started to have a friendship with one if my classmates (let's call him P). He was much more religious than I and he was also some sort of designed prefect (he was appointed to wrote the "inappropiate" things we did and gave it to the principals). He was very homophobic, and I was closeted, but anyway the friendship started to become more strange. He was lifting up my pants with his feet, hugging me from time to time, etc. I fell in love with P, but still a very complicated situation since he was flirting with girls and often mentioned that he wanted to marry a girl.

After finishing the two years in this program we continued to talk from time to time, and I finally decided to tell him I was gay (I didn't mention I was attracted to him). After that, he stopped talking to me. Now I have a secular job and try to keep myself busy with other stuff, but the limerence, although less intense, is still frequent, all the time I have an image of this person, although I am not romanticizing him anymore.

I have blocked this person from instagram and have no contact and I am hoping that it remains so. Still, I overthink all the time. I am open to both of my parents, my sister, close friends and workmates but I am still in the closet to a large part of my social circle since they are mostly religious persons. I am not planning to remain in that circle, but somehow the contact is there.

I am grieving the life I had planned as a Christian, but this is killing me. I think the limerence sh*t is telling me all the time to be true to myself, even when everything else is falling apart. I think I am living a double, hidden, life and I am tired of it. Any advice?