u/Afraid_Honeydew_6808

Can thus be forgiven?

I neve think about it much, I've always distracted myself, but it's getting more at me, I don't know if I love my parents, I don't know if I've even see them as parents ever since I've turned 14,ive used to cry and write it on a paper that I didn't have parents to make it hurt less, my father used to beat me at 7-9,i had a toddler sister, I'd hug her tight so I'd take the bigger slaps and hair grabs and I'd hold cries because ik it's make him get angrier, he'd yell at me and blame me if my mom defended me against the yellings, he has done it only a few times but I remeber it , I used to cry for a while every night secretly wanting another dad, I still remember the time we went out as family with my uncle, his daughter was my age and they were holding hands, I kept looking at my dad's hand, I cried that night,

And then I grew up, at 8(my body was like a child no grownup) I was made fun of for my neck being tender and pretty they'd say my future husband would be lucky bc he could suck, I was once vaccuming house and they were looking at ne and said, my father mentioned marriage in Afghanistan as if girls were ready for that, he wouldn't have made me marry for sure but he meant girls get ready naturally sooner, is this normal joking?

And at 13 family issues were extreme, my mom started to take her anger out on me while I was perfect in every way, cleaning house washing dishes doing these All, and when id clean house I'd go to a room to be alone she would peek inside to catch me doing something wrong, she'd take her anger out she wouldn't hit ne only grabbed the tip of my hair lightly once but with so much hatred in her eyes that I cried secretly, she'd blame me for my little sister going out why I didn't keep eye on her, she'd apologise, yeah but I don't know why when I talk about this I keep crying, and I still loved her even when she'd take he ranger out ion me, it was the first time I started doing se1lfharm and cutting my skin, it's still a habit only when things get very very bad, I may do it like once a few months, I used to do it back then with tears, and now when I see the blood on my hand it calms me down immediately, the pain feels good now, is this bad?

Also at 13 during thee family issues he'd vent to me say never turn like your siblings and just sit and take the hearings and stay and nod, they had a big fight once he cursed my mom(I used to wake up everyday with him yelling at mom and being weird I'd catch her crying I was the only one who was at home mostly) it was a fight so I ended up getting angry and braking a glass and he left the house for a month I felt so guilty,

Now I'm 16, I've changed alot, less resentment my relationship isn't as bad as it used to be with my mom, yet sge keeps letting others say don't send her to dorms don't let her do this or that, I just wanna know, if u can ever find it in me to forgive my father, at middle school I got isolated bc I was scared to even say hi, because I was scared of everything, I've changed alot, he has been good ever since I hit puberty 10, been giving me money Abd stuff he has policed over my clothes yeah he'd tell me if I wear this he wouldn't come anywhere with me, he wouldn't let me some type of clothes, butvhes been acting nice altho all the niceness is just money mostly and him saying hi in ridiculous teenage ways

would it be forcing myself to try to forguve him while I haven't confronted these to him? Do yall think it's possible?I sometimes feel guilty for not liking him because of the way he eats or just not liking him in general, currently I don't feel guilty,

I'm 16F, I've left last year, and I've been wearing hijab pressured to wear it since 11, and I'm still wearing it, what I wanted to say is it right time to tell them I'm ex Muslim or do I start first by pushing boundaries? I'm gonna be honest I'm a little scared, I've got older siblings who are religious so are my parents, to the point my brother has once threatened to tell my dad that I'm not wearing hijab correctly because I show hair and I do it loosely, I'm still doing it loosely and all, my dad once lectured me thru some public space kept saying fix your hiajb and had once told my mom if he sees my hijab like that again he will pull me out of school because I've kept ignoring his words even tho he was gentle, what I'm not sure about my dad is angry oerosj he could say some BS,

I've wanted to wear pants but I've never pushed it because I've known how they react, Im surrounded by a religious bloodline and a majority Muslim country but there are Christians too in my city they have a whole few Christian streets, but there's also something I think of constantly, eif they ever find out will they slime me? Because k1lling in my country over as such girl talking to boy over chat is normalized in some families not mine tho, mine are very good they give freedom to go outside but they limit it at clothing dresses appearance and all that,

So, I've thiight about becoming Christian too, tbh not for their religious books or rules bc this Jesus guy seems nice and chill I could take him as some example,

What I'm asking is do I become friends with chritains in my city visit churches often to find people that'll support me become Christian for a while and then try to push boundaries more to make my mom let me wear pants? I can force myself to cry for it but it just seems embarrassing lol, I haven't wore pants in god knows how many years, 6 or more, it feels awkward a little, can someone advice me what to do? Also I've got a brother that makes things ahard for me, he's straight up been telling my mom to not let me get in dorms ever since I was grade 9, and this year I'm turning drade 12, he tells me not to wear perfume to do my hijab like that he's gone as far as saying he won't get out with me if I don't wear the hijab correctly, he's religious person,

How do I just escape? How do I defend that dorm thing without looking extra bow do I answer them I've never pushed back I've just stayed silent, that religious brother himself isn't bad to me he pays me monthly he isn't rude but I don't like him honestly, it may sound ridiculous but I also don't like him for his behavior and for the way he eats with loud chewing, sloppy noises,

Where do I start?

I've been changing everyday, but just recently it's going more bad, I used to be a ppl pleaser at middle school. remembering childhood, my whole childhood is just mostly traumas, I was scared to even say hi it was so bad I thought if I said hi someone would be rude, so I got isolated in middle school.

I'm grade 11now, I tried to make connections alot this year kept talking kept making moves including myself and it worked mostly, I had bff but now I got another too made a few other ppl lowkey friends .now just as school is ending on these finals, I'm just turning worse on choice,

I'm being quiet, suddenly I don't wanna talk I don't say anything first I want to sit alone while all connections I made this year have just gotten good, and am I doing bad? I go home early just to not see anyone or talk with anyone,

there's just 3-4 days left, do I try to stay and talk to the friends I've made? Or do I keep doing this?if I stay in a good mood ik how to talk, if I stay in bad mood which my bad mood is just being quiet, how do I act happy?

Is this also a bad thing I never tell anyone about my problems? The only thing I'm posting on reddit is just to know what to do with my life and learn. Llveing upset out of nowhere just wanting to retreate into myself is it because my distractions wore off? Ive distracted myself greatly scrolling wasting time doing unproductive things,

It's wrote alot so I just need to know do I keep doing what I feel like not talk to anybody or fake it? How do I fake it?im cinfident just when I'm not in the mood I can't form any sentences,

Hi I'm 16F, so I come from a religious family, any other ex Muslims have thoight of revealing the fact? How do you guys reveal it if you're in a Muslim majority country, my country it's mostly Muslims but it also there's a town populated by Christians too only Christians live there, Christians also have a village there too in, sometimes I'm thinking if I get Christian friends become close to them pretend I'm learning their religion tell them I wanna become Christian and then so I won't be compeltly support less, I'm sure there'd be religious Christians right who'd do it in the name of serving jesus and take me in? , then I stay at their house as a Christian or become a nun for a few years then leave Christianity too(because Christians are surely not gonna think of sliming me up) is this ridiculous? I'm being fr lol

Edit:I only corrected Grammer