u/After_Snow_184

hey i dont remember my exact age nor can i remember how often it happened but i know i was under the age of 12, and it happened at least a few times.

there would be times when i was younger that the house would just be 'too quiet' (at the time i was in a small townhouse with my two younger siblings, my parents, and my older sister sometimes around). the moment i realized it was quiet, id then come to the only realization that made sense, which was of course that my parents had brutally murdered my siblings and they were just waiting for a sign that i knew to get me last. i remember hiding under the bed and genuinely considering calling the police, but i instead just waited until i heard someone and i think i slowly calmed down.

i ask because i definitely deal with a lot of paranoia now, and looking back other things i remember definitely seem to have been very paranoid of me, such as believing my family hated me, including my then 1 year old brother, and thinking he had dirt on me that he would tell everyone whenever i left the room

i have NO idea where any of this came from, i was never abused (to my knowledge), tho i did grow up watching horror media, so maybe that. i dunno, im mostly just writing this to get some input, because i dont see my therapist for a few weeks until im home from college

thanks!!!

hii im kinda little rn so i dunno how to tag this lolll but like when i feel little i feel like my movements r like laggy??? like sometimes when i move im like sinkin but im also like my movements are behind my body? anypony whos been high on weed before it feels like movin high... and idk how to describe it otherwise i was just wonderin if anyone else feels like thay!!!!!

I started a new therapist right before I went to college, and only got to see her for like a month because I was out of state and there were issues with licensing or something. I haven't talked to her since September but I have certain issues that are getting worse. I think the heaviest thing I may have told her was my history with self harm, and even then I don't think I went into detail.

But I think I'm a paraphile (or something adjacent idrk)(I'm not gonna hurt anyone or anything, they'd all be directed towards myself) and it's kind of been causing me a lot of feelings of disgust and such. The thing is I'm so hesitant to bring it up to her because how do I just out of nowhere go ' hey I want [awful traumatic event] to happen to me ' or ' i genuinely wish i had been a victim of [other traumatic event] '? I'd feel really bad because out of nowhere I'm talking about extremely sexual and potentially triggering topics, and also because I hardly know her!! My last therapist I talked to for two years before she moved to private practice and we had to stop, and I never considered telling her!

It's getting to the point that it's affecting me, and also it's just the kind of thing I want to address with a professional, but I'm terrified to go about it.

(I also considered possibly switching to someone more well-versed in the subject but I'm only 19 and my parents still pay for my therapy so I don't want to have to go over why I'm switching if that makes sense.)

Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I'm also stressed from school lol