u/AgainstSpace

“Would you like some assistance?”

“Ah! Yes, thank you. I'm interested in this jacket. About 44 regular, I think.”

“Very good selection, sir. I have a 44 regular right here. Let me help you try that on.”

“Thank you.”

“There you are, sir. Very good. Well, yes, that's an excellent jacket, sir. Right this way we have mirrors you can see yourself in ...”

“Thank you … What is that odd weight I'm feeling?”

“Sir? Right this way. There you go. That pattern suits you perfectly, sir. Are you thinking of having it tailored? We can get that started whenever you like.”

“Why does it feel so heavy?”

“I'm not sure what you mean, sir? Is it a warmer fabric than you expected? I believe it's alpaca ...”

“No, I mean this odd weight right about … Excuse me, what are these buttons made of?”

“The buttons? Please allow me to just check the label if you'll kindly excuse me … Lead.”

“Lead?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Like elemental lead?”

“Apparently, sir. It says they're made from recycled car batteries.”

“That's horrible!”

“Recycling, sir?”

“No, the lead. Isn't lead toxic?”

“Sir, we like to believe, and I speak on behalf of the establishment, that our clientele are in no danger of eating the buttons off the jackets and coats.”

“I mean just to handle.”

“I don't know, sir. Maybe don't handle them too much?”

“Why did they use lead for the buttons?”

“Oh, you know. These creative types – they all want to be 'individuals', or something. If everyone is an individual, then no one is individual, that's what I've always said, and what my father also always said. Oh look, there's actually more explanation on the tag. Says the more battery lead he uses to make buttons, the less lead there is to make shotgun ammunition. Well, I can't argue with that.”

“You can't? I certainly can. That's ridiculous! He can't possibly think he's actually impeding the production of shotgun ammunition by making a few buttons. And why buttons?”

“Well, he's a clothier, sir, and the button is the most solid part of the jacket, so it would follow logically ...”

“No, it wouldn't. There's no logic present in this idea, and nobody wants jackets with buttons made of lead! That is insane! Here, you can rehang this. Thank you.”

“I'm sorry you're displeased, sir. We have similar items that I'm sure will meet your personal standards.”

“I suppose.”

“Here we are, sir. This is a used firefighter turnout coat. It weighs twenty-eight pounds, it's pretty much fireproof, and it smells like an exploding oil refinery.”

“Oh my … Well, this is perfect! How much?”

“Sir, that item is four thousand dollars.”

“Fantastic! I'll wear it out.”

Mine is Phildickian which describes things related to to work of sci fi author Philip K Dick. For example, fearing that you might actually be a bio-synthetic android with uploaded memories would be a Phildickian delusion; or let's say we finally colonize Mars, but it's so boring and horrible that people have to be forced to go there, and most colonists become addicted to exotic hallucinogens - that would be Phildickian, and also probably ironic in some way.

I also like Kafkaesque and Draconian.

Let me tell you about how it was living by the ocean when I was in grade school in November when the big storms would come in. Mid morning and it's still not daylight, then the big clouds come in and just hang there like iron cliffs draining rain all over the coast. Rain so hard you step outside and you're soaking wet already. You are not in the water, yet you are in water. That's when they'd come up out of the sea. They would come up out of the ocean and walk on the land. Creatures you'd never see otherwise climbing up over the rocks, then on up over the highway so the traffic would have to stop. Only a few would show up at first, then more, and small ones at first, then they got bigger. Sometimes the first one would get run over since they were so hard to see in the rain, and nobody's expecting anything like that if they're just passing through, you know? But then they would start getting seen, and the cars and trucks would stop. Traffic would back up for miles as they came, and soon so many they were crawling over the vehicles, and they would be everywhere in the town. They came into the playground, and they played on the swings. We watched them from the classroom windows while the teacher pointed out the various species, and taught us about taxonomy among the marine life. I saw one play on the monkey bars, and I saw it fall. The teacher explained that they don't understand gravity. I remember so many out there, everywhere, holding the town hostage until the storm let up. One year my father had to drag one off our lawn using a tractor because it had died there somehow. He dragged it to the beach and burned it.