I feel like I am my mom's mom, not daughter
This will be long.
My mom and I (43F) have always had a good relationship. We never argue or really even disagree about things. And I've realized this is an anomaly considering literally everyone I know has a difficult relationship with their mom.
My mom married my stepdad when I was 6. I was close to him too and they had a good marriage. He died 16 years ago of cancer. After he died, she went into a deep depression. Told me things I shouldn't know as a daughter (how when he was diagnosed she asked him if he wanted her to drive off a bridge together so they could die together). This has been stuck in my brain since. She drank a lot for awhile. Would drive drunk occasionally. No legal trouble. After he died multiple family members died within the span of a few years. Lots of tragedy in the family. And somehow the roles reversed. She kept using me as a therapist. Telling me things I don't need to know. Coming to me for all of her problems. I have clinical depression, anxiety and also really had health anxiety. She calls me a lot about her ailments. Her illnesses. Even something as simple as lab work. And every time, it triggers me in a major way. She had a GI procedure done a few weeks ago and before she went in she told me she hoped she'd wake up from the anesthesia. Instant anxiety until she came out.
It all came to a head yesterday. She had something weird happen with her vision. She was driving home. Called my sister. Then called me "I just talked to your sister and I told her I was calling you immediately." I'm not a doctor or nurse. What can I do? Immediately my body goes into fight or flight. I have no idea what to do. I tell her to come to my house and I start to drive her to the ER. Then she tells me its not as bad. And for the first time in oh, 40+ years. I lost it. I didnt yell. I didnt scream. But I told her until she knows shes actually having a medical emergency, I dont want to hear it. She got angry. I told her sometimes I feel like her mom and she's my daughter. Well that set her off. Told me to take her back to her car. I told her this is why I don't tell people how I feel because it ends up with me having to make sure they are okay and basically f*ck my feelings. When I got back to the house she wouldn't even hug me. Told me "you said some hurtful things" and left.
My mom can hold a grudge. I love her. But I don't want to apologize. Because what I said was the truth. Family members see it, my partner sees it, friends see it. They've all said she treats me as a therapist or even a friend. But she's my mom. I want the mother/daughter relationship. But I think this has forever changed our relationship. She was supposed to come here Monday before leaving to go to Europe and tonight she texted she's coming Tuesday. I don't know how to navigate this. I dont want to get into another argument. I wish I didnt lose my temper. But I also wish that I am, once again, not having to be the adult. My fear is that she'll say something like "never mind, I'll just see you when I get back" (in 2 months) and if I respond "okay" she'll then accuse me of not caring. I don't want her coming here Tuesday and acting weird. I've told her multiple times she should see a therapist. I see one and it's done wonders but the one constant trigger is my mom. What I said needed to be said. But I have no idea how to navigate this going forward because I'm almost positive she's going to turn this into a guilt trip. I'm not used to arguing with anyone, but especially my mom. My life is very quiet and calm and this has really thrown me the last 24 hours.