u/Aggravating-Wish-525

i used to do sh when i was 16-18 then i stopped doing it and became a little bit better at 19 till now (i’m turning 21) when i met my bf. i’ve always thought that the pandemic really changed what i’ve become and that’s what i always regret, if i had my own support system back then would everything remain the same? during the pandemic in the midst of lockdown, my world revolves around online games. i rarely talked to my friends, always locked up in my room, i barely showered, i resent everything and everyone; i became depressed which leads to me sh. after i met my bf i’m starting to regret it, for me it showed that i’m vulnerable… i didn’t want to look vulnerable to others, that i didn’t fight what was going through my head during those tough times. i’m tired of feeling ashamed of my scars, the thought of people looking at me with scars on both of my arms with such pity in their eyes. i want to accept that my scars is the result of me overcoming the challenges of wanting to kms but whenever i look at my scars i wish i hadn’t done it, i felt really ugly with my scars, i feel terrible with it. i feel so bad bc i know it’s my battle scares but i can’t help but feel like this. whenever i see beautiful people, i became insecure and would look at my scars. when i’m with my boyfriends house i would always cover my scars bc i’m afraid of their judgement (but ik his parents aren’t like that). although i said that i became a little bit better but i can tell that i’m still depressed and would occasionally think of kms whenever unfortunate events keeps happening in my life. i really can’t help to feel this way, are my feelings valid? am i wrong to feel this way?

edit: i want to add something also. i hadn’t gone to a therapist, i’ve always thought that my sadness was caused by my cycle (i’m a girl) but would sadness a symptom of cycle really it if i keep feeling like i want to die? mane idk anymore.

Problem/Goal: are my feelings valid for having a little bit of resentment towards my bf?

Context: nagka parvo yung 5 kong pusa and si bf ang nag bayad ng vet bills, i feel really bad kasi allowance niya yun but since he’s kinda rich binalewala niya lang and so ever since they got positive with 3 viruses ako ang nag alaga. puyat, tulala, hindi na ako masyadong kumakain dahil tinatrack ko yung medications and water intake nila. the way i said na may onting resentment akong nararamdaman sa bf ko is because one time, i was histerically crying kasi na switch ko yung dose ng older cat ko sa younger, i called him and sabi niya “kalma, wala namang magagawa ang iyak ko sa situation” gets ko naman kasi nagawan nga. next, im always crying dahil sa cats ko wondering if i can take care of them alone, he couldn’t comfort me. ako kasi kahit emotional support okay na sa akin but whenever he comes over nag ccp lang siya and i would just stare at him wondering may onting concern kaya siya sa cats o sa akin? and then ngayon, he came over and told him bumili ng wet food for the cats kasi need nila ng food sabi niya he cant kasi pupunta siya ng malayo para maki fiesta sa kaibigan kaya ako nalang ang bibili hahahaha friends over me i guess?

Previous Attempts: haven’t talked about this sa kaniya pero alam ko naman na sasabihin niya siya nag bayad ng bills. okay gets ko naman. sa pakiki fiesta niya, sasabihin niya na minsan lang naman sila magkasama… medyo di ko gets. during this times need ko ng emotional support kahit pag help sa errands need ko kasi hindi ko maiwanan mga pusa ko, luntay luntay na ako pero i’m trying my best to take care of our cats bc it’s a dangerous virus hindi ba? valid ba tong nararamdaman ko? iniintindi ko naman siya pero once na may masabi ako mag dadabog siya.

Edit: will delete this later bc i know im asking for advice kasi super burn out ako from all the puyat and pagod ive been going through