Unrequited first love
TL;DR : I got emotionally invested in a 3 year unrequited first love and now I doesn't see any meaning in my life.
I'm M18, at 14-15 I started liking a guy at my school. I quickly became friend with him and a group of friend. After a year he started getting physical and that's when it got from just a crush to love.
Then for 1 year we became almost best friend, we're always together, he continue to get closer to me.
At 17, I needed to confess to him even if I knew I would get rejected. I confess he told me that he couldn't be with me because of his religion. Then few weeks later we saw each other and got really close. At this point I knew he wasn't straight then few weeks later he told me that he prayed and his feelings disappeared. From now he started to act like nothing ever happens, avoid the subject etc...
It's been 2 years since and the obsession stop. I don't think about him everyday. Just sometimes and it sucks. It sucks because it was my first true love and it was strong asf. I know deep down inside me that I will probably never forget him. But ts is draining me and it's been 2 year.
I'm still part of my friends group and if I want to cut everything with him I would loose almost all my friends.
I'm scared of letting go. Because I know it was true love, I'm scared of never finding it again. And even if I find it, it wouldn't be him.
I know that I'm stuck in a shitty situation where I should just cut everything and maybe in 1 year it will be gone. But I feel like it would cut a part of me, I don't want to never see him again.
Right now my life is miserable, I started drinking again to relieve stress and forget my problems, I don't know what I want to do next in my profesional carrer, I'm stuck in the past, I feel no true connection with my friend... I also don't have true passion / dream to invest emotionally in.
My 20s are getting closer and I'm scared of it, I feel like it will be as worse as my teenage if not worse.