u/AggressiveShip9514

I guess the title says it all. My AM is so freaking oblivious and cannot fathom that anyone would think in a different way than her.

I had a total of three photographs from my bio family. They were cut up so that I was the only one in the photo. I was told it was to protect confidentiality. BUT NO. Today she let it slip that *she* was the one to cut them up and she cut the originals. That she couldn’t help that I was given to the “wrong family” with the “wrong name” and “God gave me your name the moment I saw you”.

THE AUDACITY. And I mentioned that I was planning on finding a therapist that specializes in adoption to work on my feelings and she told me that if I did, I’d end up paying money to have a mental breakdown because she “can hear it in [my] voice that [I’m] depressed“ since communicating with my bio family for the first time in almost 30 years. Also I’m “too mentally fragile“ to handle it and still be a good mom to my three kids.

I am 30. I spent a lot of time wondering who I looked like and who I came from. I felt abandoned (they voluntarily gave up rights at 11 months) and damaged. She did literally NOTHING recommended at the time for older infant adoptions (cocooning, small changes, giving time and grace). No. She showed me off at her church, to her sisters, to the store (that ones not too bad, but still). She immediately changed my name- like never called me by my bio name, she sat there and basically forced me to cuddle with her to try to “bond” even when I would fight to get away (and uses that against me when I reject a hug). I am so angry. I’m hurt. I’m so confused because I love my AM and I know she loves me in her own way. But she cut the photos of my bio parents because she didn’t want me to “get confused” of who my “real family” was.

Sorry. I needed to get that off my chest. I’ve been finding out so many things and my foundations are shaking. Everything that I knew from her about my past is being questioned and I just don’t know where to go (until I find a therapist).

History:

I recently reconnected with my bio mom (a walking red flag) and some members of my bio dad's family. I have no further business with my bio mom so I'm not contacting her anymore, but have been speaking with my bio dad's sibling who lived at home while I lived with them. They are a prominent member of society in their town and is a successful business owner known for trustworthiness.

I was always told that I was severely neglected and social services suspected abuse and had me checked out for shaken baby syndrome and other abuse-related disorders when they did the intake medical exam (I was dropped off and my bio parents relinquished rights on the spot). Nothing ever came back positive. It was a horrible situation and I was "rescued" in my bio parents finally giving me up. I did see a social services report that showed lack of supplies at an address, and my bio mom snuck in nasty comments about my bio dad.

Bio mom's story has holes, but she said that she was all alone and had no support so she made the decision to let me go (literal lies in the story that I can't share).

Bio dad's story (according to the sibling) is that he was in a very inappropriate relationship with a woman in her twenties while he was in high school (I knew the age gap was predatory and gross). She got pregnant and they ended up marrying. Bio mom was wild, partied every night since she was over 21, and wouldn't help raise me so they separated shortly after marriage. Bio dad tried his best to keep me, but coparenting was not working and bio mom used me as a weapon. The courts wouldn't give him sole custody so he chose to give me up instead of risking my safety with her.

The facts:

Medically, I was taken care of very well (at least as far as documented immunizations and attendance of visits go)

I was a healthy weight, if not large for my age

There is a social services report from an investigation at my bio mom's place that ended up with her being cited for lack of support of a minor. The zip code of the address wasn't blotted out and it was different that the address that my bio dad's family and I lived in. He never lived there.

Bio dad's sibling has sent me dozens and dozens of pictures of me with members of the family at their house. I looked very happy and the family members did as well. I had different outfits in each picture (other than ones taken back to back) so I most likely had access to adequate clothing. There were also high chairs, car seats, play mats, toys, etc. visible in many of the pictures. Bio mom was never pictured holding me, any photos with us in the same picture had anyone other than her holding me.

My AM is well known for exaggerating things and getting things mixed up that paint her in the best light possible (ex. I had trauma from being taken away from my family and I withdrew. My AM got me diagnosed with autism and then worked with me to "cure my autism" since she's super mom.) She also has significant delusions that I won't share publicly.

Bio dad may not even be bio dad, so we're waiting on a test to be resulted.

My conclusion:

I was in a rough situation between the whole stat r**e and young primary caregivers. When the marriage fell apart, I stayed with my bio dad so bio mom didn't feel the need to keep stocked on baby items and was caught with that. The relationship was so toxic between them that bio dad felt that I was better off having a chance at parents who tolerated each other than being used as a pawn for whatever purpose (bio mom did offer to go away for a price). The intake social worker saw the previous report and just assumed that both parents were at the address and made comments based on that and my AM snowballed them to be bigger than they were.

Am I off base with that conclusion? Like that seems like the most likely based on piecing together the three different accounts. I love in a very tightly closed state, so there is no way to get the records without having a judge unseal them with bio parents' approval- I already tried. AM keep telling me how they neglected me based on my personality when she got me, but refuses to read or believe my paraphrase of the peer reviewed study about the effects of trauma in infants and toddlers. That I had deep injuries that she had to heal. I'm just so conflicted with all this new information.

I'm trying not to annoy the crap out of the sibling messaging them all the time until the DNA comes back as a match- it would be a waste of time to spend half an hour asking/answering questions if they are irrelevant medically. I'm sure it's an adjustment to finally have contact after almost 30 years as well, so I'm trying to be conscientious of that. If I'm not bio dad's child, I will just have one final conversation asking about my life before adoption since I haven't gotten there yet with questions. Bio dad isn't convinced that I'm not bio mom's pawn to get back in his life, but that's on him.

Sorry, that is a lot. It's been a crazy month or two with all of this unfolding and my head is spinning.

Two or three months ago, I sent letters to both of my bio parents asking for medical history. I knew their names and ages but found their addresses on a background search service. I never heard back, but I told my adoptive mom about it because she’s always been super insecure about my bio family. She wasn’t thrilled but she was the one who found their names and didn’t cover it up. I figured I’d save myself some grief and be as transparent as possible to avoid the drama later.

Anyways, my child started having some issues and his cardiologist told me that I needed to find medical history. So, I found one of my bio grandparents on Facebook and messaged them. I also messaged the one parent I could find (thankfully on different sides). THE SECOND I told my adoptive mom she let loose on me telling me that these people were going to come after me or my children, they were terrible people that neglected and abused me, they left “gashes” on my body, how could i do this to my kids and her, my oldest is going to have the foundations of his identity rocked… all of that. I just rolled my eyes and ended the discussion.

Well, now I have pictures that one side kept and a semi-relationship with them (just messaging, no plans on meeting yet) and she asked to see them. Literally every comment was a dig at them. “Why are they holding my baby”, “That woman has CLAWS“ (long fingernails), “How could [person] wear THAT outfit”, “[bio mom right out of labor still wearing the hospital gown] She looks so horrible and old”(she was 21)… Like her nastiness has really put me off from her lately.

These pictures mean everything to me right now. I was right at a year old when they gave up rights and placed me in the system. I’ve lived 29 years without seeing a photograph of me before a year old. But it feels like she’s trying to color my opinion of them because they gave me a different view of why I was placed, and it paints them in a much better light. I already am taking everything with a grain of salt- 30 years is a long time to distort a memory or create a fake story. But I feel like I should be able to find joy/closure through this and not be made to feel like I’m cheating on my adoptive parents or being told that I’m fooled by these “horrible people”. They don’t seem horrible, it was just a terribly unfortunate situation and placing me for adoption was most likely the absolute best for everyone involved.

Y'all are probably so sick of hearing from me, but it's a weird time for me and my adopted self haha.

Anyways, my ENTIRE life, my adopted mom has told me that I came from this horrible, abusive, neglectful situation and that my bio parents were incapable of taking care of me and dropped me of at social services. I always felt like a stray dog that was dropped off at the pound by the "white trash" people. I know she didn't mean it that way and maybe she just embellished what she heard from the social worker, but that's all speculation. My parents love me and feel like we were just always meant to be together as family, I just had to go through the tough time for whatever reason.

I spoke with different people from both sides of my biological family and that is only true of the bio parent that I didn't even live with. Like I saw that parent maybe once every month, but spoke to them twice and only plan to speak again to get an in-depth medical history form filled out. The other side seems absolutely lovely and are doing really well for themselves. Like, I could 100% see myself wanting to be friends with them if I had just met them off the street (and I'm super picky about my friends lol). They kept baby pictures in case I ever found them and made efforts to "expose" themselves (DNA databases and profiles on adoption websites). I'm having a hard time seeing them ever being intentionally neglectful or even accidentally abusive-let alone intentionally abusive. That side of the family was EXTREMELY young and it seems like they did their best and gave me up because they knew it was better for me to be with a family that could care for me better. Maybe they're sugar coating it, maybe they're trying to say whatever they can in order for me to be willing to have a relationship with them, idk. I just feel very trusting of them for some reason.

But I think I'm just really hurt that my mom would keep up with the whole "Your bio parents are horrible people and you shouldn't ever try to find them." mess. Maybe it was an insecurity, maybe she actually believes that in her soul- her social worker apparently fed the whole "vilifying the bio parents in order to not lose your child" narrative. I feel like they could have at least just left it at "They were young and felt like you deserved to have parents that could provide for you better than they could." Now that I've spoken with these people, it's hard to reconcile what I've been told my entire life and what I'm experiencing right now and I feel ashamed about that. I don't even want to bring that up with them because it feels wrong.

Am I the only one that experienced this?