u/Aggressive_Craft_981

Very lost at the moment and dealing with almost constant suicidal ideation. I'm 47 now and have been struggling with depression and ideation since 1st grade which I have been told is unusual. I have had several extreme ups and downs in my life and I am currently in a down. I have been looking for work for almost two years with no success and it is draining my ability to cope. Honestly if I didn't have a dog that I am solely responsible for, I don't think I would be here. I made one attempt in 2003 and ended up hospitalized for several months. I am not sure if I regret the attempt or surviving. I have been through several therapists and shrinks and have been on varying types of meds. Nothing seems to work. My mind spirals and gets darker and darker. I have friends and family but they don't get it and I wouldn't burden them with the really dark shit. Not sure if I am just venting or looking for advice. My brain tells me I don't want help. Thanks.