u/Agile_Ad5736

My (26M) sister (30F) destroyed our family. Her symptoms started to show up in early teens. it started with just mood swings and occasionally ditching class. Eventually, it escalated: suicide attempts, self-harm, drug & alcohol abuse, drunk driving, rage, physical and verbal abuse, and the list goes on.

My parents were divorced when we were much younger. My dad took the role as the primary support provider, and my mom couldn't handle my sister emotionally, so she did the best she could by supporting from afar. I watched as my dad tried relentlessly to "save" her, giving emotional comfort, financial support, and attempted solutions well into her 20s. The constant effort with no "results" broke him. I can't remember the last time I saw him smile, and he's a shell of who he used to be.

I have dealt with my own mental health struggles, so a part of me is sympathetic to her situation. Another part of me, the part that was neglected during formative years because my parents were occupied with my sister, is furious that I was robbed of a healthy, stable childhood. It's difficult to reconcile the two feelings. Many (most, probably) of my friends have families that are still intact, and often I feel like I cannot relate to the lightness that they approach life with.

For context, I am a few weeks into re-entering a relationship with my sister after nearly two years of no contact.

Sister (call her Mary) recently lost her job and does not handle crisis well - historically, she's lashed out at family members, fallen into a depression, and burnt the bridges with the employers. She also suffers from bipolar, which certainly complicates things.

As I begin to engage with Mary again, things have been low-drama, which I appreciate. However, my mom recently shared that in trying to communicate with Mary about job, Mary replied with "you need to shut the fuck up". This is not unusual behavior for her, unfortunately, and also part of a series of verbal abuse that caused my going no contact with her.

I reached out to my mom and told her that I wanted to talk to Mary about this abuse because I am not comfortable with it, and knowing that Mary has done nothing to change her behavior makes me not want to engage with her. My mom then claimed that I should "not judge someone by their points of weakness" (for context, she has been trying to get me to re-connect with Mary for a long time). I told her that that was fair given that Mary had just lost her job but that I was upset because Mary did not take accountability for the things that she said after the "weakness" had subsided. Mom replied that "she hasn't taken accountability yet". My mom then told me that I need to figure out for myself what my relationship with my sister looks like and what accountability in that relationship looks like. So, here I am (My mom has never given me advice about any kind of relationship, so I probably shouldn't have expected much else.)

Anyway, I'm looking for advice on how to approach this. I would like to have some kind of a relationship with sister, but she's been verbally abusive to many members of my family (including myself), so hearing that she still does this makes me want to put walls up again and disengage.