u/Agitated_Sherbet4228

I recently discovered my husband relapsed 1.5 years ago and has been holding it from me. He looks at porn on his work computer at work. Jeopardizing everything we’ve built together, by risking his job and his marriage. I had to catch him, he did not confess and didn’t have plans to stop.

He has significant medical trauma and has had to have a lot of surgeries and there have been major complications. He will still need more down the road.

He decided he wants to start therapy. But not for the porn problem - but for his trauma. He says he wants to keep the work for each one separate. He feels that if he works on the trauma, a lot of other things will fall. I’m not sure because the medical trauma start ed in his youth, but this addiction didn’t start till mid 30s.

He plans to go to SA meetings online and work the 12 step program on his own for the most part.

I brought up I was hurt that he didn’t want to address us and the porn problem first in therapy. He got angry with me and said I didn’t care. He said he has this trauma and the thought of another surgery makes him suicidal and all I care about is him going to therapy for us/porn.

I’m hurt he got angry. I’m hurt he didn’t respect me enough to at least have a conversation with me about it. To share our sides before he got angry.

Am I over reacting? Should I back off and just let him do therapy his way, not forcing on this problem? Please help me, I feel so hurt and confused right now.

I recently discovered my husband relapsed 1.5 years ago and has been holding it from me. He looks at porn on his work computer at work. Jeopardizing everything we’ve built together, by risking his job and his marriage. I had to catch him, he did not confess and didn’t have plans to stop.

He has significant medical trauma and has had to have a lot of surgeries and there have been major complications. He will still need more down the road.

He decided he wants to start therapy. But not for the porn problem - but for his trauma. He says he wants to keep the work for each one separate. He feels that if he works on the trauma, a lot of other things will fall. I’m not sure because the medical trauma start ed in his youth, but this addiction didn’t start till mid 30s.

He plans to go to SA meetings online and work the 12 step program on his own for the most part.

I brought up I was hurt that he didn’t want to address us and the porn problem first in therapy. He got angry with me and said I didn’t care. He said he has this trauma and the thought of another surgery makes him suicidal and all I care about is him going to therapy for us/porn.

I’m hurt he got angry. I’m hurt he didn’t respect me enough to at least have a conversation with me about it. To share our sides before he got angry.

Am I over reacting? Should I back off and just let him do therapy his way, not forcing on this problem? Please help me, I feel so hurt and confused right now.

Not sure if I really belong here. Or if my situation counts as porn addiction.

My first husband and I were together for 20 years. He had a porn addiction that he lied and hid for the entirety of our marriage. In the end I discovered years of affairs.

I later met another man who I thought was the most genuine person. I was wrong. A month after we got married I discovered that he regularly (daily) looks at bikini models on instagram. Typically 15-20 years younger than us. Usually while at work and sometimes at home. He would use his phone. He also friended throat traps and random local women on Facebook.

The huge hit was he had messaged his ex f-buddy a couple times., who was now married. Once after a disagreement between us he asked if she was in town (she was not) and a month before we got married he sent her a message saying he missed their good times and great sex. I found this a month after we got married. It was such a hard hit.

He agreed he had a problem, did some SA meetings and read a lot of articles and watched videos and said he hated the person he was and he never wanted to the that person again.

Fast forward 7 years and I still struggle with what he had done. It still makes me sad. Four weeks ago I discovered for the last 1.5 years he’s been looking at images of naked women, at work, on his work computer. At least once he connected to his hotspot so he could view hardcore porn - at work. It feels creepy and slimy and gross. The women are now 20-25 years younger the us.

He once again says he hates himself and says he doesn’t want to be that person. I found out on a Thursday. On Monday he went to work and I later discovered that he was on his hotspot that day. He lied and lied like he always does, until I have the proof. He finally admitted using his hotspot, but he says it was to look for apartments because he was thinking of leaving and didn’t want me to know he was looking. He has a laptop he brings home and he says was afraid I would see it.

So after me discovering the 1.5 years of this, he promises to stop lying and then uses his hotspot and lies about it and then tells me it was for apartments. Not so sure that is believable?

I don’t know. He wants me to lock down all our devices. He turned his desk around at work, so his monitors face the door of his office. He shares an office too and the door is never closed.

He says he did because he was bored and stress relief. He had just gotten a promotion and wasn’t really dedicating himself to this opportunity.

The last 7 years have been far from perfect. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here.