Help, I just changed my cushions for the first time, and I think they are too loose. What do I do? I watched a video on my exact pair of skates, but I'm afraid i did something very wrong. I'm working on jumps and spins on an indoor rink, and I'm 5'6 and around 116 lbs for reference.
TW: ED
I went to treatment for an anorexia at 12 years old and now I'm weight restored and mostly recovered (4 years later 🥲) I am beyond proud of myself for how far I've come, but something won't go away and I'm embarrassed to tell anyone about it. I didn't really understand what purging meant when I was first diagnosed, as I had no social media (I just watched doll videos on YouTube ) but when I was hospitalized I was told it was making yourself Throw up. I said I did this, but I didn't realize others actually did something physical to throw up. I've been able to throw up on command no matter how long it was since I last ate. I unfortunately still can, and it has hurt parts of my recovery because of it. it also makes me very self conscious, and I always keep gum with me for after I eat to avoid doing it. The only way I can describe it is like muscle memory or something. I'm just able to do it. It doesn't hurt, but often my lymph nodes get swollen if I happen to do it too much. what do I do?
Before you judge too hard, here's a bit of context: I have OCD, and I tend to get consumed by colors, and how colors look, and how they appear on me and around me. Because of this, I obsess over meeting a certain "aesthetic" if I receive a gift from someone and the color was different from my very limited palate I was allowing myself to have, I go crazy, and I have to change my entire "aesthetic." this happens multiple times weekly, and I use chat gpt to validate the feelings of colors matching and "suiting me" I often send the Ai a picture of my face and a picture of my bedroom or closet and ask if the look of the room or items matches the look of my face. I can't go a day without doing it. I don't know how to stop, and I hate it because I just want to develop my own personal style and likings. It'a gotten to the point where I ask it what animal and color it thinks I would like, so I make that my favorite color. I have no idea who I am and what I even like regarding my clothing and design. it's a minuscule issue, but very frustrating.