u/Agreeable_Mango6497

Long-time lurker, first time poster. Me (38F) and my husband (50M) have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We have two young kids, 1 & 4.

Husband is a loving, capable, educated and very sociable man, good dad, but over our 5 year marriage has been unemployed and living off his savings. I have a big job that supports myself, my retirement savings, pays for childcare and the kids and their college funds, but it doesn’t make enough for us to buy a nice house or have the kind of lifestyle I want.

When we got together, we agreed on a vision of both working really hard to build great careers and make lots of money, we’re both entrepreneurs which can be a bit feast or famine, but frankly he hasn’t hustled or really tried to make things happen over the last 5 years, except he’s tried harder this past year but still isn’t making real money.

Throughout this unemployed era I’ve cried, pleaded with him, we’ve gone to therapy, I’ve honestly shared with him that the lack of career/job is causing me to fall out of love with him and feel like he’s not a real partner to me. He is a good dad, but he isn’t a stay at home dad or anything — we have full time childcare/school for the kids that I pay for.

My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD, which has reframed some things for me — but hasn't made the accumulated resentment disappear. To add to things, we had a wedding planned during Covid that we had to cancel, so we just got legally married, but he knew it was super important to me to plan a wedding. Now five years have gone by, and we’ve set multiple dates to get married on but he’s never really engaged in planning or helping at all, plus at this point it would just be me bankrolling and planning it which doesn’t feel very good. This is a broader theme (not sure if it’s ADHD or not) of it being very hard to make plans with him, or he just doesn’t make plans, and certainly nothing special like vacations, weekends away, etc — that all falls to me to plan.

I hate to think about divorce, but I feel like life with my husband is not moving at the pace or direction I envisioned for my life. My family and friends all know I’m unhappy. He has been trying to buy a business for the last year, and recently got some traction on that front but I’m worried it’s too late. At this point, he’s 50 and the window is closing on him being able to truly provide for our family. On the other hand I’m 12 years younger, and feel like there’s a lot of life out there for me. I am starting to think I would rather be alone and have freedom to make plans and actually make them happen instead of being in this infernal holding pattern. At the same time, I am scared of starting over and dread the impact of divorce on my kids. I think he is starting to understand how badly he messed up, but again — I’m not sure it’s salvageable.

At this point, I’m so deep in my own echo chamber that I’d love outside perspectives especially from folks who’ve lived through this kind of thing. Thank you!

TLDR: chronically unemployed husband, should I leave?

Long-time lurker, first time poster. Me (38F) and my husband (50M) have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We have two young kids, 1 & 4.

Husband is a loving, capable, educated and very sociable man, good dad, but over our 5 year marriage has been unemployed and living off his savings. I have a big job that supports myself, my retirement savings, pays for childcare and the kids and their college funds, but it doesn’t make enough for us to buy a nice house or have the kind of lifestyle I want.

When we got together, we agreed on a vision of both working really hard to build great careers and make lots of money, we’re both entrepreneurs which can be a bit feast or famine, but frankly he hasn’t hustled or really tried to make things happen over the last 5 years, except he’s tried harder this past year but still isn’t making real money.

Throughout this unemployed era I’ve cried, pleaded with him, we’ve gone to therapy, I’ve honestly shared with him that the lack of career/job is causing me to fall out of love with him and feel like he’s not a real partner to me. He is a good dad, but he isn’t a stay at home dad or anything — we have full time childcare/school for the kids that I pay for.

My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD, which has reframed some things for me — but hasn't made the accumulated resentment disappear. To add to things, we had a wedding planned during Covid that we had to cancel, so we just got legally married, but he knew it was super important to me to plan a wedding. Now five years have gone by, and we’ve set multiple dates to get married on but he’s never really engaged in planning or helping at all, plus at this point it would just be me bankrolling and planning it which doesn’t feel very good. This is a broader theme (not sure if it’s ADHD or not) of it being very hard to make plans with him, or he just doesn’t make plans, and certainly nothing special like vacations, weekends away, etc — that all falls to me to plan.

I hate to think about divorce, but I feel like life with my husband is not moving at the pace or direction I envisioned for my life. My family and friends all know I’m unhappy. He has been trying to buy a business for the last year, and recently got some traction on that front but I’m worried it’s too late. At this point, he’s 50 and the window is closing on him being able to truly provide for our family. On the other hand I’m 12 years younger, and feel like there’s a lot of life out there for me. I am starting to think I would rather be alone and have freedom to make plans and actually make them happen instead of being in this infernal holding pattern. At the same time, I am scared of starting over and dread the impact of divorce on my kids. I think he is starting to understand how badly he messed up, but again — I’m not sure it’s salvageable.

At this point, I’m so deep in my own echo chamber that I’d love outside perspectives especially from folks who’ve lived through this kind of thing. Thank you!