u/Aguy12131415

Recently I have been ruminating about basically my entire life and the more I remember and think deeper about the more I regret. I've managed to be a loud and annoying problem child, a smartass asshole teenager, and young adult who would listen to absolutely nobody and make consistently awful life choices. My whole life I've spent playing video games and sitting inside.

Everything has been against me. When I did open up everything found a way to put me down somehow. I tried Christianity, and asshole "Christians" I considered friends put me down, and now they all have girlfriends while I'm stuck making a reddit post to people who'll forget all about this in an hour, rotting. And to think, they'll all go to the golden paradise of heaven while I'm stuck burning in HELL. God is an asshole, and so is everyone else here that's a Christian, you all suck.

Another example is school. I made decent grades, but I couldn't make any friends. I had one good friend, but he ditched me for the popular kids in high school and laughed at me when I asked why. Everyone has memories of being a teenager in high school, hanging out with friends at football games, being a part of something, going to parties, doing stuff you're not supposed to do. And then there's me, with nothing to remember.

I just fell like I've failed, I've wasted too much time and I'm not even 19 yet, I turn 19 next week. And yet I wish I could just reset everything, rebirth with all my prior knowledge, and now here I am, coming apart in my bedroom at 4 in the morning. My life is in shambles. I don’t think I can hide the crazy anymore. Eventually everyone abandons you anyway, or you force them to. I don’t want help anymore. I feel like I'm beyond that now.

I would've ended it by now, but it's just the sheer fear. What if Christianity is actually real, and people actually go to hell when they die. What if the gut wrenching horrible things people say happen are actually real. It's getting rough, Idk what to do anymore.

My mother was an manipulative, narcissistic, and uncomforting. My father was ambitious about his own work and was emotionally absent. I had a good relationship with my siblings, but now they're all out of the house and none of them really talk to me anymore. I'm the only one who still lives with my family. As a kid/teen, I never quite had luck with girls, and I didn't really have many friends, probably because I was a weird kid who eventually turned into the weird coworker a few years ago.

I cant hold a conversation with someone to save my life. Ever since I can remember I've been the weird silent guy that sucks at everything. I'm like a secondary character in life. No one ever actually listens and yet some unstoppable force keeps me from dying. I don't want to put effort into things anymore, because even if I make it past 25 then what? I just kill myself because I don't have the energy to keep fucking doing this shit?

But I just don't give a fuck anymore. It's all meaningless. Life is ruled by satanic billionaires who like to prey on innocent people, and pump poison into the food we eat. And don't forget the flock cameras. The wealthy big wigs solidifying their control through tech and AI. And that's only the top of the rabbit hole.

We're all parasitic leeches who've destroyed our world. We're killing each other for nothing. 62 million men, tyrants bombing schools, poisoning our earth, excusing violence using status, raising fascism, hate crimes, trafficking, erased history, death camps, genocides, we are all complicit in our indifference, numbness, and desensitization. If there is a God our punishment is coming. Our karma. Our comeuppance for our centuries of crimes.

Michael Townley Aka De Santa (GTA V)

It’s exhausting. I’m tired of the loneliness, the hurt, the despair, the pain, the pressure. I’ll never amount to anything it feels like. I’m an ugly man. I’m a worthless man. I’m a pathetic man. I’m an over-sensitive man. I’m an annoying man. I’m a failure of a man.

The only thing I’m good for is helping people, and I can’t seem to overcome my demons to do that. I’ll die like this. The once bright future laid out in front of me is now just a walkway to the noose. Nobody gives a shit. Nobody can save me. Nobody understands. Nobody wants me. Nobody will love me. Nobody will free me.

I spend my days alone. No friends to do anything with no one to talk to, not even online. I can’t seem to make friends either. The only hobby I truly have is the gym, and A basic human existence feels impossible and out of reach. I can’t sleep and I cry during nights because the feeling is absolutely soul crushing and dehumanizing.

Yet at the same time, I enjoy this. I've grown so accustomed to this prison, this chamber of agony that I don't feel like leaving. For years this is the only thing I've ever known, but I like it like this.

Battle Takes Place On Planet Viltrum.

Round 1: Post-Scourge Empire

Round 2: Pre-Scourge Empire

I'm a useless chud to put it simply.

I’ve worked twice as hard as my peers to try and get ahead, but I barely make the mark and struggle at everything I do. Everyone always looks at me like I’m an idiot. Doesn’t really help when you’re ugly either. Must be nice to be beautiful, smart, and successful. Must be nice to be wanted or needed by others. I, on the other hand, get called an idiot by my coworkers and get ignored by the opposite sex.

I just stay inside and think about how subhuman I am all day, wow what a life. The truth is, your life is determined by your looks. If you are born with shit looks, then your life will be shit. You can be dumb and braindead because other people will ALWAYS be there to support you JUST because you're attractive. Oh, but god FORBID you don't fit that description; if you don't, you're practically fucked.

People who say they "don't have friends" mean they don't consider anyone their friend, BUT they talk to people. I don't. I'm lonely. I'm actually lonely. I've always said I like being lonely; and I do! But I hate feeling lonely. I don't have anyone to vent to. I don't have anyone to rant about today's inflation. I don't have anyone to ask if my hair looks good or if I smell bad. Man, I don't have someone to talk to. I'd forget what my voice sounds like if I didn't talk to myself.

It's been like this for almost 5 years atp, and since then, I've become an awkward person. I can't keep a conversation, because I can't really empathize with other people. I don't mean it in an edgy way, like, I deadass can't understand people. Whenever I try to, they call me insensitive or sarcastic (???). Maybe I'm too logical. Or maybe I'm too dumb to understand what emotions are. I don't know. I'll never know.

I'm convinced it's my appearance that isn't appealing to other people. I'm funny. I'm decently intelligent (at least I'm good with numbers), I can do pretty much everything, except cooking. I can't cook for the life of me.

I just feel like I'd have more friends and maybe even a girlfriend if I didn't look the way I did. I just wish I looked better.

(I'm just posting here because I wanna get this off my chest and vent my problems to random strangers who don't care about me, read if you want.)

Everyday is the fucking same. Wake up while wishing I hadn't, eat, work at a shit job with even shitter people, scroll Reddit, Tiktok or Youtube, go outside, eat dinner, play the Playstation, and go to bed all while feeling depressed, stressed, angry, and annoyed. I don’t even leave the house anymore unless I go to work or when I have to buy my own basic needs. That's my life. That's been my life for years atp.

My own family has left me. I have no friends. I have no interests and my life has no worth. Every new bruise, lump or dry patch of skin, I wish for it to be more, I wish for it to be untreatable cancer or some undiagnosed blood clot.

I hear in the news of some unexpected death or someone that has had an accident, and I immediately think why not me? Why have they unfortunately perished whilst I get to sit here longing for that relief? Living is not for me, I will never be what I want to be.

Please, let tonight be the night that I’m finally released.