u/AiSucksANDEATSWATER

(Post is all over the place so here are the main questions at the top: 1. Am i wrong for trying to make my family see me as a man 2. Am i sending people to hell by being a man? 3. Should i accept how they think and not force them? 4. Am i being abusive by being adamant about this?)

In my inner circle ive been trying to cut down on those who call me woman or she because its just not accurate and i want to feel like those i cherish see me for myself

For my mom i want her to see me as her son but she just thinks im her "daughter thats influenced by the devil"

Shes genuinely scared of calling me he or a man, she thinks she will go to hell.. She says she will go to hell because its lying, she as a christian cant lie.

This hurts me a lot.

Its not just her who thinks this. A really close realative refuses to describe me to her kids as anything but "a woman who looks like a man" because she thinks its gonna "confuse them" and send them to hell.

It just fucking pisses me off.

It makes me feel guilty for even identifying this way, its not even a choice for me to have these emotions yet im blaming myself for naming the emotions and trying to heal from them.

I feel like if shes right then im sending anyone who loves me enough to respect my identity to hell. I dont want to cause suffering but i feel like i am. Makes me feel like i should be the one to leave.

I even tried to ask if i went back to trying to be a girl and if i failed would she then see me as a man? If i read the entire bible and reconsidered every aspect of myself and still arrived at this conclusion would that convince her?

She says "i dont know"

Am i wrong for pushing this? I am a man and i just want to be viewed that way, i just want to be normal and feel normal and thats why im asking those close to me to try to view me this way..

Its not like im bullying people but i am fighting for this because i desperately want these people in my life, and i also want acceptance.

Am i being abusive by trying to change their minds?

Ranting a bit more:

I deserve to be seen as myself.. its just so weird to me because ive never been a girl, yeah maybe people thought i was but i clearly never acted like my sisters nor did i ever self identify with women in any way, i never called myself a girl, it just felt gross and wrong because IM NOT A GIRL.

I know i was born female, im not delusional, obviously i was born female but just because i was born as a female doesnt mean im suddenly a woman when ive never been one before.

They dont realize how genuinely alienating it is to be called a sin because i feel this way.

Like fuck, if god made me feel this way just to make me go to hell maybe thats where im supposed to be. Maybe i dont wanna waste my ONE LIFE pretending to be a woman.

Ill admit, everytime my identity comes up it turns into a fight because i cant stand and will not accept that my closest family members insist im a woman.

They think im trans because my dad is a ped. They say im "broken by him" and when i explain that it has nothing to do with him they dont believe me.

They think its unreasonable for me to insist on them not calling me a woman.

Maybe the extremeness of my reaction is an issue, maybe i should just... accept that they wont change.

Maybe im being closed minded, maybe im being selfish, maybe..

I want to cut out anyone in my life who insists im a woman... but i dont want to cut out these specific family members because i love them.

Part of me is saying this is just a matter of opinion and i need to be open to the fact that others will disagree, even people close to me will and that im being an asshole. Another part of me is saying that this is useless and i should just cut them off if i cant accept this and that THEY SHOULD accept my identity.

I feel like its their issue, i am a man and they are in denial because their religious beliefs.

I need some positive vibes and i need support.

Ive been trying to heal for 2 years and lately i think im getting worse.

Ive come so far already, i used to never leave the house and barely eat at home, i would pop 8 zofrans if i felt sick (not an over exaggeration) i would smell harsh chemicals to mask my other senses, i had a lot if bad coping mechanisms..

I can go places, stay all night at places, eat at other places, i try to practice a better mindset when sick, i dont smell harsh chemicals anymore, ive gotten so much better but lately things have been harder.

Whenever i get nauseas i try to practice a good mindset of "if i vomit, ill be okay" and sometimes it works in the moment, but the issue comes when i feel better. Even if i felt not very scared, the moment my stomach settles im in "what if it comes back, what if i randomly throw up" panic mode.

I cant really sleep, i cant eat, im struggling a lot. I often think about ending things when im scared, i feel like i cant heal.

I know i can and i know i will because the genuine alternative is death.

I think this might be ptsd related because as a kid i got severely sick and almost died, im just scared.

Everyone i talk to says they never really fear vomiting or getting sick. They just go woth the flow, even if they arent happy to be sick.

Some of this is venting, some of this is an ask for advice, how do i stop thinking about this all the time? How do i deal with the flare ups after feeling sick? How do i feel safe sleeping or eating?

Im scared if i sleep ill wake up vomiting or needing to vomit. If i eat im scared itll cause me to feel sick and vomit later. Im just... struggling. Send positive stories or advice.