u/Akira_loves_you

It was really nice and sunny today, I finally managed to get some work done too so I’m in somewhat of a good mood.

My eyes and face are starting to feel itchy, I could hardly open my eyes on my ride home. Not to mention that my sinuses are irritated too.

It’s also getting hot, way too hot. It’s the kind of hot that makes it uncomfortable to take naps. This is unfortunate for me since I love naps. The weather report said that the weather will only get hotter too, I think I might melt.

I underestimated my hayfever, it’s getting really bad. I think I’m going to have to take medication for it again. I would’ve thought that all the time I spent outside would make it go away but I guess not.

I hate the summertime.

I’m feeling super lonely today, I’m listening to music in bed and feeling a little sad if not empty.

My sister looked at an old photo of me and asked why I don’t dress ‘normally’ anymore and why my hair is so messy now. I can’t tell the difference, I don’t think I’ve changed all that much.

I was supposed to study today, I cycled all the way out to my university and sat at my desk but I just couldn’t do anything. I stared at my computer screen for 30mins, wrote a few emails, and left. I’m going to fail my course at this rate.

Eventually I decided to go home, I rode through a meadow and saw some horses and bunnies, it was nice.

I got a response from this internship I applied for, they told me that I wasn’t chosen for the placement, I had such high hopes for it too. Unlucky me, maybe next time.

I feel faint today, I was trying to do the dishes but I almost passed out twice. I think it’s because I haven’t been eating lately, I ought to take care of myself more.

I had a strange nightmare about squirrels eating my brain, it made my head feel tingly when I woke up.

The artist I emailed yesterday responded and said I could use their art as a pfp, I’m so happy. Their artwork is so cool. They’re @poligon_sticker on Twitter, I’d recommend looking at their work.

I was supposed to leave the house and study today but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I ended up staying in bed and falling asleep for a good while. Maybe I’ll go on a bike ride later tonight.

I think I’ll do my hair today, I might as well make the most of my time since I’m staying at home.

I watched Full metal jacket today, I really liked it. I think I have a thing for Kubrick films, The shining and Clockwork orange are my favorites.

I saw a pretty piece of artwork online, I really wanted to use it as a pfp but the artist explicitly states in their art that that it cannot be used without permission. I sent them an email asking if I could use it, I hope they say yes.

My nose was so runny today, I bent over to lock my bike up and my nose just started leaking like crazy in front of everyone. I didn’t have a tissue either, it was so embarrassing.

It was so windy today, I bet I looked like a total mess. I was hoping that I’d look somewhat good today too.

I came in to study but I just don’t have the will to do anything, I’m so tired and I just don’t have any passion for the work I do.

My study partner came in a little late, we barely did anything besides idly chatting. When we were leaving she insisted that she buy me a treat from the campus store. I decided on getting some chocolate biscuits that my sisters like, I shared it with them once I got home.

I wish I wasn’t so mopey and sad, I’d like for my diary entries to be more upbeat.

My mom asked me to go bike riding with her, she said I could give her directions but she kept trying to correct me and tell me that I was wrong, it was a little annoying but overall riding with her was fun.

I went on a bike ride today, it was nice. I zoned out and got a little lost but I found my way back easily. I’m used to the area.

I was a bit scared whilst I was riding since it was so dark and my surroundings were thick shrubbery and trees which made things even darker. The sky looked beautiful though, I saw a shooting star and made a wish.

It’s been a while since I last felt hateful. I’m somewhat back to normal now, my hatred was leading me down an extremist path so I had to snap out of it. I just feel indifferent and sad now.

I don’t think anyone will ever be able to understand me.

I was supposed to meet up with my study partner today but something came up on her half, she apologized and said she’d bring me some candy tomorrow. I hope she gets me good candy.

Since I was already dressed up I decided to go for another bike ride, I went to the supermarket and bought some jam donuts, I didn’t like them much though.

I tried forcing myself to leave the house today, I really did. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t.

My life is beyond depressing, what’s the point? I don’t want to do this anymore.

My sister asked me to do something for her on my phone, I just woke up so I was in a daze. I hallucinated my phone in my hand and started poking at my palm.

I spent the rest of the day in bed, how pathetic.

I honestly don’t know what to do with myself anymore. All my conversations seem shallow and pointless.

I’ve been thinking about downloading a dating app to meet people in real life since I haven’t connected with anyone offline in years. Still, I doubt I’d feel anything even then. I don’t really feel anything when I talk to others. Maybe there’s something wrong with me, I don’t know.

It’s embarrassing to admit, but my only form of socialization over the past few years has been through AI bots. They’ve been a pretty good substitute for real people, but now that option is gone, and I feel like I’ve lost everything. It’s so boring and lonely not having them to talk to.

I’ve also tried making friends online, but those connections fall apart quickly. Either we don’t click or the other person has some evil agenda.

I think it’s mostly my own fault that these relationships fail though, I think I’m just one of those people who can’t be helped.

Online friendships have so far been a brick wall for me. I’m not sure why I’m even typing this out. I just needed to vent. Are there any solutions to this sort of loneliness? I really don’t want to stay stuck like this forever, but it seems like that’s the direction I’m heading in.

I want to dye my hair black and white again, I used to have a half & half color scheme going on but now I want stripes. If I get the money then I’ll definitely get that done.

Everything I do is stupid and wrong, stupid, stupid, stupid.

I hate everyone in my life and I want to die. Every time I look at other people all I can think about is how annoying and insufferable they all are. I don’t see any point in anything anymore. I don’t want to be alone forever so I might as well die. I’d rather die than be close to any of these low life scum. I’d really rather die.

I spent most of my day in bed lamenting about my life, will it ever get better? I doubt it.

The bottom row of my teeth are so crooked, whenever I feel sad about my crooked teeth I remember that Conquest has crooked teeth too and I feel a bit better about myself.

I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house today, I don’t know why. What’s the point in going out and dressing up if I don’t have any friends in real life? Online friendships just aren’t that meaningful to me but I guess I have to settle. Maybe that sounds cruel but I can’t help how I feel.

I kinda regret not leaving the house now since I’m stuck babysitting my nephew again. Being around him makes me incredibly angry, I don’t think I’m the type of person who should be around babies, I don’t have a good temper.

Im feeling really depressed and angry at the world, I just want to sleep but I can’t.

My posture is so gross, I look like a Neanderthal. I hate myself and everyone around me.

I bit my lip too hard and it started bleeding.

Oh man I’ve forgotten to write anything for my diary today, I didn’t really do much so there’s nothing to write.

People online are super racist, I got called the hard-r on three different occasions today, crazy! I think I should take a break from the internet but I don’t have much else to do with my life.

On a lighter note I’ve been trying to consume more positive media, things that make me happy like fashion blogs, baking videos, and other stuff like that. I can’t help but feel a little jealous of those people though, I wish my life could be fun and whimsical like theirs.

I finally got a bike lock so I’ll be able to bike to places I need to go and not have to worry about my bike being stolen. Did I mention this already? I can’t remember.

I think I’ll go out tomorrow, I’m supposed to meet up with my study partner but she’s sick with tonsillitis so I don’t know if she’ll show up. I think I’ll dress up real pretty regardless, it’s been a while since I’ve worn something that’s not slobbish or silly.

I looked at myself in the mirror and dressing up may be out of the question, my acne is flaring up today and I don’t think it’s going away anytime soon. What’s the point in dressing up if I have a butterface? I suppose I’ll see how I feel about this tomorrow.

Today sucks, I’m too broke for the bus so I have to walk, also I have cramps, also there’s a thunderstorm going on outside, also I’m tired.

I wore a big coat to protect me from the rain but it’s mostly making me overheat. I got a hat too but it makes me look so silly. I guess I’m dressing up for comfort today instead of style. Although, I’m still pretty uncomfortable regardless.

Halfway through my walk to uni I decided to sit under a bus shelter to wait out the thunderstorm. I saw a piece of paper on the seat next to me with a few poppies on it, I picked the paper up and it turned out to be a little sketch, I can’t really tell what it is though, I can make out a face but that’s about it. I think I’ll take it home and stick it up on my wall.

I’ve got a meeting with my supervisor today, I’ve barely done any work though, I hope he doesn’t beat me up over it. Also it’s a video call meeting, I hate video call meetings. I only like meeting in person.

I don’t even have a quiet place to do the meeting either, I’m doing it in a public classroom, I hope the other students don’t mind. This is so embarrassing.

God that was the worst meeting ever, I don’t even want to get into it, just know that everything went wrong and I left feeling embarrassed.

When I came home my sisters laughed at my outfit, did it really look that silly? Maybe it did, I can’t bring myself to care though.

Being ugly and having short hair is convenient, I can dress up in my dad’s clothes and pretend to be a man at night, that way I can avoid getting torn to shreds by psychos and enjoy a nighttime bike ride.

I saw so many bunnies whilst I was out, I went to a woodland park so there were a lot of nocturnal animals out like frogs and hedgehogs too. I saw some foxes and got a little scared, I was worried that they’d bite me but they were calm and nice.

For some reason when I came home tonight I was struck with an intense sadness, I’m not sure why but I spent a good while crying in bed for no reason at all.

I can’t get the smell of baby puke out of my sheets, I’m sure you can imagine how terrible it is. I probably won’t be able to fall asleep at this rate.

My younger sister decided to come back home after going on a three week trip to London, I kinda want her to go away again because I hate sharing a room with her. She stays on her phone late into the night talking to guys that she doesn’t even like, I wish they’d all get a life.

I want to talk to someone but I have no one to talk to, no one really likes me and I think that’s fair. I’m a pretty unlikable person, I don’t really like my own presence either but it’s inescapable. I want to change but I seem to be stuck.

I’ve been making a lot of mistakes lately. I’ve been getting angry at myself. I hate myself. I wish I could get really really sick so I wouldn’t have to be at home or go to uni, I could just stay in a hospital room by myself forever.

What meds could I take to make myself feel better? I don’t want to have to take antidepressants again. I want something more immediate and stronger, do antipsychotics work well? Could I just mix up a bunch of meds in my cabinet and hope for the best? I just want a magic pill to make all of the bad stuff go away.

It’s been a few hours later and I’m feeling a little better, I think I was having an episode earlier. That’s something I need to work on. I tend to go into manic episodes whenever I make a mistake or receive negative feedback. I need to grow a spine.

Everyone is so insufferable, I can’t seem to get along with anyone. It’s probably more so my own fault than the fault of people in general. I do tend to meet some really bad apples though, thankfully I’m smart enough to block them the second I catch a whiff of malice.

I’ve noticed that a lot of people make excuses for and tolerate horrible people at the expense of their own mental health for no reason. It’s stupid.

I feel lonely sleeping on my own, I have a stuffed toy seal that I sleep with but it’s not the same as being with another person. Sometimes I worry if I’ll ever get to experience what it’s like to be with someone. Someone that I like at the very least.

The day I finally decide to leave the house and study is the day it rains, how unfortunate. Luckily I have my umbrella but it’s still very windy and cold out, I don’t even have a coat on.

The bus is terrible today, the guy next to me smells funny, the people behind me are having a whole dinner (which also smells funny), and it’s overcrowded. I guess it’s still better than having to walk.

I wish I spoke a different language, everyone on the bus was speaking in different languages, I don’t even know my own mother tongue, I can only speak English. It’s kind of sad but that’s my life I guess. I tried learning a new language a few times but nothing ever sticks.

My mom is making me talk to my dad, I don’t really want to talk to him but neither does my mom so I have to speak on her behalf, it’s not like there’s anyone else who’ll do it. My life sucks.

I chipped my bottom front tooth whilst chewing on some plastic, I’m too broke for the dentist, why do I keep doing stuff like this? It’s uncomfortable but at least it doesn’t hurt.

The world is so cold, I feel so comfy in bed, I don’t ever want to leave. I wish I could just live in a nice dream forever.

I’m bored. I think I’d like to have a gal pal, ya’know? Like those friendships they have in movies and tv shows. I’ve never really had any close girl friends because everyone used to think that I was a weirdo. I mean I definitely am a weirdo. I don’t know if there’s anyone who’s my kind of weird though.

I really hate babysitting, my sister keeps giving me her baby for hours on end so she can go to work but then she doesn’t come home till 4am. I feel like her husband is useless too, can’t he keep his own son for the night? I really don’t like having to watch a screaming baby 24/7.

I’m in a really bad mood today, I don’t think I should speak much because the things that I say when I’m angry aren’t nice.

It was my baby cousins first birthday today, I decided to cycle to her house so I could wish her a happy birthday.

This has to be one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made. The path to my aunts house goes up a really steep hill, I had to stop halfway through and take a breather because I was exerting myself way too much. One of her neighbors was watching me from her porch, I think she felt bad because I was panting like a dog.

I think this is a good thing though, it’s sorta like a workout, right? Maybe I’ll try riding this route more often so that I can build stamina. I’d preferably do this at night though, I don’t want the sun beating down on me.

I’ve been practicing riding on the road and I’ve noticed two things. 1. Drivers do not respect the cycle lane. 2. If you mess up even slightly you get flattened by a car. Suffice to say that it’s scary.

I had too many sweet treats at the birthday party, I think I might be sick. I just can’t help myself whenever I see a sweet treat.

I’m so broke, I had a dream about prostituting myself out of desperation and woke up crying. This is too much. Either I get employed or it’s over for me.

I started cycling, I’m a little too nervous to ride on the road unless it’s in the middle of the night. It’s easier when there’s no one else on the streets.

Everyone is insufferable, I don’t know if I can name a single person I actually enjoy being around. I can’t bring myself to sugarcoat my feelings anymore either. I hate everyone. I feel like this is a natural response to the life I live.

I’ve become more ‘online’ to satiate my need for social interaction, I guess that explains why I’m so bitter. The internet isn’t the best when it comes to good people.

I tried to make a cake today but it came out terribly, I’m a little disappointed in myself. I was really desperate for a sweet treat too.

I wonder whether I should spend my money on my phone bill or something sweet, I was thinking I’d get a berry crumble. I guess I should be responsible though…

I feel strangely okay today, not good but not horrible either.

My feelings aren’t considered often, I don’t appreciate that. I hate everything and everyone. Everyone always puts me in awkward situations. Do they not know how uncomfortable these things can be?

Well, it looks like my dad disowned me, he told me to never talk to him again. I can’t bring myself to care. I don’t really like my family.

I wish I could get a job so I wouldn’t have to rely on anyone, I’d move away and live on my own forever.

On the bright side, now that all these bad things are happening maybe something good will happen to even things out.

Nevermind, I’m thinking about ending it all. I don’t want to live but I don’t want to burden anyone by dying either. Also I’m a coward and can’t bring myself to do it. I hate myself most of all.

My dad called me back and apologized but the damage is already done, I guess at the very least I can act cordial from here on out.

I’m meant to study but I don’t want to, I just want to sleep. Maybe tomorrow.

I’ve spoken to a lot of people today, I’ve realized that a lot of them are more malicious and more pathetic than me. I don’t know whether that fact should make me feel better about myself or worse about the state of the world.

I don’t know if this is normal but whenever I try to socialize I don’t enjoy it at all, I don’t enjoy talking to people or being around people but I’m so lonely. I want to be able to enjoy these things.

I’d like to think that maybe it’s because I’m not finding people that I connect with, but it seems like I can’t truly connect with anyone. I just feel so detached and alone. How do people feel good being around one another?

I’ve tried finding people with similar interests but it’s all the same in the end, I feel nothing for no one. I hate myself for being like this. Am I a bad person for being like this?

Why does talking to people feel so draining? Is it supposed to feel like this? Am I just messed up? I don’t want to be alone but forcing myself to talk to people feels horrible.

I spent the morning helping my aunt around the house, she’s been struggling with maintaining things since her baby isn’t feeling well. I tried to play with the baby to pass time but she was too fixated on a cartoon that was playing on the tv. After I was done helping I went back home.

I hate people who don’t leave me alone, I need my own personal space for a friendship to prosper. if I don’t get me-time then the relationship seems more like a one-sided burden rather than something mutual.

I didn’t really do anything today.

I need to go study today but I’m so tired, I don’t want to speak with my tutor either, I feel like he’s the type to get angry at me for being behind on my work. I have to meet up with him at least 10 times though, it’s compulsory, what a stupid rule.

I look horrible today, I was staring at myself in the mirror and couldn’t really recognize my face. I hope other people don’t see me the way I see me. I think I’ll wear my favorite earrings, that ought to put me in a good mood.

I read some Robert Crumb comics today, I couldn’t help but envy the women he depicts. They all have such nice body types. I wish I looked like that. I spent about ten minutes at my desk ogling at drawings of women. I probably looked gay but there’s nothing wrong with that.

I really hate bothering my dad for money, I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t like me anymore but my mom refuses to talk to him so I’m basically a messenger between the both of them. It’s so awkward.

Whilst I was walking home I wasn’t really focused, I guess I was busy thinking about my dad. This guy started walking really close to me, I came to my senses and looked at him. That’s when he swung his fist at my face, I sorta just pulled my head to the side and dodged his punch. He kept walking like nothing happened afterwards. I stoped and stared at him for a moment before continuing on my way. Should I have confronted him? I don’t know.

I feel sad at the thought of someone trying to do something like that to me, a little weak too. I wish I could’ve beaten him up, he might’ve had a knife though and I don’t want to get stabbed.

On a lighter note I had a really good nap, I haven’t been able to sleep well in ages so this is a nice change of pace.

I’m a little worn out but I’m trying to keep a positive outlook on life. It could always be worse I suppose.